DARK - how do you do it right? I need help BADLY

[labug]

Regarding your comment on my W working, I perceived it as quite rude.

It wasn't meant to be rude, just seeking out the facts. You said she didn't work, I was investigating that. Many people say their W doesn't work even when the W is the fulltime at home parent. I was guessing she did work, just not for a paycheck.

[MrCAS]

Rude? Really? I didn't think it was rude at all. It was an honest question.

From what i read, you are accepting any responsibility for the problems here. It all about you, you, you.

"I don't get sex. I want companionship. I do. I did. I want this. I want that." Buddy, think about someone other than yourself at this point. Your selfishness seems apparent to me.

Just for a moment... Look at what you have said... You moved for YOUR job. It was all about YOU.

Your wife left her successful business. She left her friends. She left her family. She left her life behind. To stay with you.

I know how that felt to me. I did that for my W. If you want to know more about that, read my threads. I am not going to hijack your thread.

You asked a lot of her. Take this into consideration.

[DTM]

Actually, moving To FL Was Her Idea, It Took Me Three Years To Make It happen...Busting My Butt Stressed Out And Unhappy With My Job Because They Were Holding Me From TRansferring. The Business In Her Own Words Was Something She Was Always Willing To Give Up And Move....The PrOblem Was While I Was WOrking 80+ Hrs A Week She Replaced Me. Everything I've Ever Done Was For Her Or My Family..I'm Last On The Iist...Always, So Speak For Yourself "Buddy". Not All Men Are Created Equal...I've Always Loved My Wife, I Can't Control Her Feelings For Another Woman, All I Can Do Is Be The Best Husband And Father I CaN...My New Position Gives Me ThIs Opportunity...Time To Be Around For A Change.
Thanks For Your Insight And No Worries On The Perception Of The Comment Being Rude...I've Always Appreciated ThE Hard Work My Wife Did...Pay Or No PAy.
Sorry For The Spelling...Its The Phone!

[2ndtimearoundCA]

DTM. Everyone on here that posts on your thread is trying to help you. Some may come across as harsh and others will not, but everyone is trying to help YOU.

We may make observations about you from your posts that are off base because we don't know all the details. Other times however, the observations will be right on target and it will take you some time to realize how true the observations are.

We all have difficulty seeing our own flaws. You don't want to pick fights with people who are trying to help you. Instead be patient and courteous and you may learn something about yourself.

[MrCAS]

I apologize for not seeing that you did everything perfect. You were the best. Yup. That is why your w left you. She couldn't take perfection anymore, I guess.

Nothing I can add to help you out, buddy. You're just beyond reproach and it is all your W's fault.

LOL!

[Mach1]

DTM,

This is probably gonna anger you, and the words are gonna sting a bit for you. They are intended to help, rather than to hurt.

What I have found, is that the words that sting are the ones we really need to look at within ourselves. What stings us the most, stings because they are usually too close to home for us. And, well...the truth hurts sometimes. Especially when it comes from such an unlikely source.

Actually, moving To FL Was Her Idea, It Took Me Three Years To Make It happen...Busting My Butt Stressed Out And Unhappy With My Job Because They Were Holding Me From TRansferring. The Business In Her Own Words Was Something She Was Always Willing To Give Up And Move....The PrOblem Was While I Was WOrking 80+ Hrs A Week She Replaced Me. Everything I've Ever Done Was For Her Or My Family..I'm Last On The Iist...

You have done well with this. My only problem is....

That YOU have done this, wanted this, made this happen FOR HER...

You have allowed this, you were cheated out of that, they made YOU wait. Didn't they know who you were ? Making you wait ???

Do you realize how totally arrogant that sounds?

I'm not sure that is how you want to come across here, or if this is how you come across to your wife. I can tell you however, that is not the least bit attractive to a Woman.

Now, you can take a look into your words, or you can ride your high horse all the way to the courthouse. Your choice....

After leaving her "alone" for 80 hours a week, I am not surprised that she sought to have her emotional needs met elsewhere after time.

What were you like when you WERE there ??

I would also say, that while YOU may see things different (and you can say all you want about bringing home the paycheck, blah,blah,blah ), that you left this marriage way before she did.

Me thinks, that you understand very little about the inner workings of a Woman....

So Speak For Yourself "Buddy". Not All Men Are Created Equal...

You are correct, they are not created equally. And given the choice between a person that CHOOSES to listen more than he speaks, listens without defending, and speaking without offending, and a Man that resembles that of a pompous asshat ??

I'm pretty sure which one I would choose.

I've Always Loved My Wife, I Can't Control Her Feelings For Another Woman, All I Can Do Is Be The Best Husband And Father I CaN..

You are correct, you cannot control her feelings.

Yet once again, you are still trying to. Even in the above statement you are still trying to control her.

She has stated that she doesn't want you as her husband right now. Yet you are still trying to fulfill that role.

How about trying to be the best Father you can be, and being the best friend for her ?? You can love her from a distance for now.

What are her wants, needs, desires for the future ?

What does retirement look like for HER ??

How does she like her eggs cooked ? Toast ? Steak ???

What does her perfect day look like ???

What brand purse does she desire ???

My New Position Gives Me ThIs Opportunity...Time To Be Around For A Change.

As long as you can do this, without the expectation that anything will change because of that.

Being 'around' means more than just physical proximity.

You have been MIA for quite some time now. So ask yourself "why now?" And be totally honest with your answers....

Is it really the quest to be around because you want to ?

Is it guilt ?

Is it fear ???

Why NOW ??

Thanks For Your Insight And No Worries On The Perception Of The Comment Being Rude...I've Always Appreciated ThE Hard Work My Wife Did...Pay Or No PAy.

Before the bomb, when was the last time you thanked her for her hard work, without bringing up the fact that you worked harder, or made more money, or had longer hours, or didn't get enough attention ??? Just made it about HER hard work ???

Sorry For The Spelling...Its The Phone!

It's not the spelling, it's the words.


DTM,
I suspect that you will either not reply to this, or just not post anymore here, or you will fire back with excuses and anger about how I know nothing about you or your marriage, and I am a total idiot. I'm okay with that BTW.

I will however, ask you to please take a look at the things that sting a bit, and ask yourself why they sting. Are you angry with the posters here ? Or more at yourself ?

It takes a lot of work, to be self reflective, and self aware enough to accept the things that other people notice about you. The way that you come across here, is that of a defensive, self-absorbed Man.

A Man that keeps score at every possibility. Who did what to whom, and who is more deserving of love.

Is that the way that you want to portray yourself ?

[DTM]

I appreciate the replies and honest feedback, It doesn't scare me away. I can see how trying to help someone and not knowing the entire story is difficult.

It's not all about me, believe it or not. I am and have been giving my W space, as stated in earlier posts, few to no text messages, no calls (except to call the kids), no gifts, etc..I am trying to be the friend she needs and the current husband she doesn't want.
She brought up a R / D conversation last night to which I was very attentive and I listened to what she had to say. Without going through the whole thing she said she feels guilty, isn't happy and will give it until December to see if she gets any feelings back. I offered to move back to NC, among other things...I've done what I can. She is in control and all I can do is show her the new person I am working hard to become...the one that spends all his time with the kids and gives presence to his wife. I do love her dearly and it's more than just a word.

[labug]

The rest of the story really doesn't matter. Unless there's abuse, addiction or mental illness involved, all the situations have the nearly same components: Spouse1 at some point checks out of the marriage, can be for a variety of reasons, Spouse2 carries on for a while then finally is emotionally done, Spouse1 immediately wants to fix "it", Spouse2 says, No, it's too late, you won't change, I'm done.

The mistake most of us make early on is not realizing there is no fixing "it", there is only fixing you. Continuing to want to fix "it" gives the impression that you don't understand what your wife is saying.

She's done, you need to let her be done. Your last 2 sentences above are getting closer to a starting point.

Just a tip, spend time with your kids, but do it because that's what you want to do and because you know that it's important for them. Don't do it to score points with W. She's probably going to think "Oh, so now he has time to spend with the kids, where's he been for the last x number of years?" especially if you go to spending "all" of your time with the kids.

Good luck.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I can see how trying to help someone and not knowing the entire story is difficult.

It's not all about me, believe it or not.

You responded exactly as predicted. People's personalities shine through a little in how they write and respond to others in their posts. If you interact with your w the same way you interact with the people posting on your thread, then THAT aspect of your personality is something you need to work on.

Your w is the half of the equation that isn't here on this board. We cannot help your w; we can only help you.

So it IS all about YOU

she feels guilty, isn't happy and will give it until December to see if she gets any feelings back.

So what are you doing to become an irresistible badass h in the next 6 weeks? I guarantee she will not get her feelings back if you keep doing what you are doing now. You need to change your thinking right away.

[JuneReN]

DTM, sit down.

I've been here for a year. Recently I've gotten advice that made me think and rethink what I thought I knew. The people on this board have the most amazing abilities to make you mad- it's when that happens that you have to think that there is a reason why.

That the anger is misplaced and a closer look is warranted. What is it really? Fear? Frustration?

The dating thing- I did about seven months in, but cancelled that first one. I wasn't ready and it was H pushing me ( a guilt alleviator for him) because he had someone. As a matter of fact, he started up with her a couple weeks after we separated. I actually told my H that if he wasn't happy, he had

I dated twice agin a, the last time as recent as August. H admitted he was jealous and had just began a new relationship with someone else. I still wasn't ready to date so I broke off seeing the guy.

Boils down to that I was still in love. It was a great ego boost, but certainly wasn't fair to the guy I was dating. If your gut says this is a WAW way of letting herself feel better, it probably is

At some point, this becomes about you and the spouse drops out of first place. There is always time to put the pieces back together and put the marriage first afterwards, but you have to have done the work on you first.