Wow ... it is so tough to not reach out and try to ease the way for someone you love versus the tough love that make them realize that these are the consequences of the path they have chosen.
I just don't want him to come down on me for telling the bank manager why I needed to move money or listening to what the employees have said about him, etc.
Such a fine line to walk with a spouse in MCL.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I only recognize it because I've done it soooooo many times myself!!!!!
I know how badly you want him to come home and try. I get it. I truly do. And, it hurts.
I'm not sure, however, you doing or not doing something right now will make much of a difference.
To borrow a phrase from Al-Anon and page 78 of Coda No More by Melody Beattie:
Quote:
You didn't cause it (MLC); you can't control it; and you can't cure it.
So stop trying! We become utterly frustrated when we try to do the impossible. And we usually prevent the possible from happening. I believe that clutching tightly to a person or thing or forcing my will on any given situation eliminates the possibility of my Higher Power doing anything constructive about that situation, the person or me. My controlling blocks God's power. It blocks other people's ability to grow. It stops events from happening naturally. It prevents me from enjoying people or events.
I'm not sure that even he knows why he says the things he does.
Instead of thinking about why he is doing or saying something, think about why it's so hard for you to let him handle this situation himself. Controlling him is an illusion right now (according to Beattie). You can't control him no matter how wonderful you manage the employees.
In fact, chances are that he will find a way to blame NO MATTER what you do, think, say or feel. He may even use your very best self as a terrible excuse for his poor self.
Yesterday, I was thinking about my worst fear...losing my H forever. Then, I asked why is that my worst fear? What does that mean to me?
What will happen if he decides he doesn't want to return. What does that mean to you?
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I very much appreciate your comments, Lois B, but I am not trying to control him. I have made it very clear that he has free reign to take whatever path he feels he needs to take for his happiness. And he knows I will accept his decision.
But, he made it very clear when he was here that he considers me, if nothing more, his best friend. I see a friend in pain and while I agree that I should not and cannot (at this point in time) enable his behavior, I think it would do a lot more harm than good, as far as our R goes, to just let him drown.
Just as I laid down my boundaries, he laid down his. One of his boundaries was to stop his employees from making wild speculations about his behavior and to stop talking to them about our issues (which has happened). And some of the garbage I heard was absolutely absurd. They talked about him like he was the most vile letch that ever walked the earth. If I was married to the man they described, there is no way I would not have suspected. (He had an EA before ... I know what to look for.) I know he is no angel, but he is certainly not what they portrayed to me. He has every right to be furious with them.
On the path to repairing our relationship, why should I expect him to respect my boundaries if I don't show any effort to respect his or to try to fulfill his needs?
The man who came home this time was more of the man I married than the alien. I saw the pain in his eyes and I saw his effort to reach out for help. I told him that he has to find his own path and I cannot participate in that journey. But, he knows that I am here to help him find his way.
Isn't that what we want to do?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I just feel like we are on the cusp of his finding his way back and I want to do whatever is possible to make that transition easier for him. He actually spoke about "his journey" which I found to be interesting.
I think we are past the stage of going dark and being mysterious. He seems to be doing a serous evaluation of where he has been and where he wants to go. I want to make sure that the "where I want to go" is back here with me. I feel fairly certain that it is not over there and not with her. He made it pretty clear that he is not happy over there or with her. So, how do I make him feel like he can be happy here with me and his company?
I'm just not sure what I need to do to make that journey back to "us" one that he is wants to take.
I don't want to screw it up and send him back into the tunnel.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
But, he made it very clear when he was here that he considers me, if nothing more, his best friend. I see a friend in pain and while I agree that I should not and cannot (at this point in time) enable his behavior, I think it would do a lot more harm than good, as far as our R goes, to just let him drown.
Quote:
On the path to repairing our relationship, why should I expect him to respect my boundaries if I don't show any effort to respect his or to try to fulfill his needs?
I think you are very wise
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I'm not really sure where H is at this point. It is obvious that he is really depressed. He says he had chosen a direction to stay overseas and try to build a R with OW because he felt there was nothing left here. He told me that now that he sees the door is still open, that he is very confused.
He says I am the only thing here in the US that makes him want to come back. He says "the whole world" knows what he has done and he realizes it is his own fault, but he doesn't see how he can ever face his employees, his friends and his family again.
He said he thought about getting on a train and going to the Himalayas to find a monastery where he could spend about a month figuring what direction he wants to take in his life. Or go visit his best buddy for a while to just get away. I just asked that if he decided to take a trip somewhere, please let me know he was going so I wouldn't worry that something awful had happened to him.
He says he is not happy here in US and is not happy over there and he needs to find some happiness in his life. He said he had made commitments over there (business) and didn't know how to deal with that if he came home.
He asked for time to work things out in his mind, which I readily agreed to give him. He then said he felt guilty for asking me to wait.
I can see the pain in his eyes. It is obvious that he is very depressed and it's so difficult to know that there is nothing I can do to help him .... that he has to work through it on his own.
As for reconnecting with family and friends, he has opened up some to his brother. But, my MIL keeps sending messages to him pestering him with questions about us and he said he just does not want to deal with his parents. He says he has no friends left here - a couple of our very close friends know about some of our sitch and he doesn't want to contact them (although he expressed disappointment that they have not contacted him to offer support).
It looks as though his self-esteem is very low.
We have been best friends for many years and until the past couple of years, he has always turned to me when he needed help of any sort. I think he is doing that now. The problem now is that I don't feel like I can give him advice and I've told him that .... that I cannot be objective about some of the issues he faces. He said he understood and realized that there were issues he would have to work out.
He gave me several hugs while he was here and they were so long and so tight, I felt like he was trying to tap into my strength or was afraid to let go.
As far as the OW is concerned, I am positive that won't last long. He hates drama, arguing, etc. and apparently, she dishes out a lot of that. It will end quickly.
He told me numerous times over the past few days that he couldn't imagine a life without me in it. I just don't know if he means as a business partner, a best friend or a wife. I'm not sure he knows either.
A couple of interesting things he has done since leaving. He texted me from his lay-over in Europe at 3am ... he's never done that. And he changed his picture (from a "brooding and thoughtful" one to a "happy" one) on his international texting app and changed his tag line from something about the measure of a man is what he does for those who can do nothing for him to "Patience ... it will get better."
Sorry this was so long.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I've re-read the stages of MLC (for about the 100th time), and I think H is somewhere in the Depression/Withdrawal phase. He is definitely depressed, but I feel like he is beginning to survey the landscape and seeing all the damage that has been done.
He apologized to me repeatedly while he was here for hurting me and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. He has thanked me over and over for talking to him and expressed how glad he is that we have the friendship back.
He doesn't think he can face the people who know about some or all of this, but he readily admits that it his own fault. He expressed regret for sharing with an employee (who talked to others) his R with OW. He said that it was an extremely hurtful and disrespectful thing to do to me.
He said he wanted to tell me about her when he was home last time, but just couldn't do it ... he said he knew I would be devastated. He believes that he wanted to "get caught" because he didn't try very hard to hide things. Maybe that was a test to see how I would react??
For years he has turned to me when he was in pain and I am glad that he feels like he can still come to me for comfort. It broke my heart to see the state he is in.
I am trying so hard not to be hopeful and not read into his actions things that aren't really there. You know, believe none of what he says, etc.???
I think it might be a good sign that he cancelled his appointments with the two attorneys. At least he isn't ready to go down that road.
I am trying very hard to keep my eye on me and remind myself that I really can move on without him if that is where life takes me. The head knows that ... it's the heart that is causing me problems.
Patience, patience, patience. Stay strong, girl!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
