My Wife is an Alien and its killing me...

[AJM]

There has been much said already that is spot on. I can't begin to tell you how similar to your situation mine was. You brought back a memory with the cleaning and singing to herself. It's difficult to watch, I know. But I agree you should consider staying your course. Your changes were for you and about you. Keep them. It truly is up to her to figure out if she can be part of the family or is going to leave. But if you change your routine/self, she'll get confused and say how you're a liar and inconsistent etc. She, you, and your kids need to see you being consistently and authentically you. Not somebody who is contorted to "manipulate" your W. Don't twist yourself until you don't know you any longer. Nobody would like you, especially you

I wonder if it would be easier for her if I wasn't here. I refuse to give her a blank check to ruin our family. I have told myself that I wouldn't leave my kids and I would stand and fight. I will not leave my family, no matter how painful it is to be here.

Yes, it would be. For now. But I don't recommend it. I recommend you being the man of the house in a firm but gentle way. If she wants to leave, you can't stop her. If she wants to leave, disrespect, etc, then that's her choice. She needs to live with it, and the consequences. That's not yours to own.

The hill that I am willing to die on is my belief in the sanctity of marriage and the importance of having a mother and father for children. I see teenage kids every day with broken families and I cannot stand it. Our children get the idea that relationships are disposable. It makes me sick.

As far as DBing, if W is no better than she was 6 months ago, should I shift gears and try another tactic? She is noticing my changes, but I certainly am not getting the desired reaction from her. MWD suggests trying something different.

Try to remember these things. This is not about you. This is about her, and only her (mostly). She needs to work it out, else there is nothing for the two of you. You have done a tremendous amount so far, but it's early yet. This didn't start overnight and it won't end overnight. No matter what she says or does, it'll take a long time. And I doubt seriously she understands why or what - she can't fix it or explain it no matter how much you want that, until she knows why she is doing it. Blaming you is the easy way out for her. It helps her to explain things in a worldly way. The world will tell you that it's because the parents can't get along or "I just didn't want to be married any more. I needed to find myself" or similar stuff. That's a fool's errand, but she needs to figure that out. You are the very last person who can explain anything to her right now. Try to keep that in mind.

By being you, and giving her time and space, you are the best friend she's got right now. You are not encouraging her behavior, but you are not judging either. At the same time, you need to have your own life. If talking to her doesn't work for you, then don't. If you feel you need to tell her it doesn't work for you, then tell her.

I do not advise leaving the house. For me,I didn't leave the bedroom either. That was a boundary for me. I still have the house and will until my youngest is finished with HS. I won't lie, it was difficult. My ex, even though she immediately remarried, has tried for a very long time to blame, accuse, and so on. The usual for this board. She even went so far as to try and get her BF's to get in a fight with me. She is and was still angry toward me as much as she can. It didn't start that way. It started with her telling me she ILYBINILWY, then it was about her childhood, then it was she was angry at me. Angry at me for not leaving, for keeping the house, etc. She spent a long time finding a reason to blame me. She hasn't found the peace and truth in her actions she went looking for. She has told me repeatedly she 'deserved happiness'. For years now she tells me she is soooooo happy now and how pathetic everything was. Along the way she lied, made up stuff, etc. All par for the course.

My point is that it gets worse before it gets better. If you don't detach, it'll tear you up. If you instead focus on you and being you, you'll see this differently. And you'll be much better able to handle it.

She'll do what she is going to do regardless of your words, actions, etc. By being you, you stand the best chance of saving yourself and your family.

Think about it.

Peace,
AJ