I don't know Mr J, but I'd think trying something different right now would be a mistake. Better to just stay the course for now... you're so early into this.
You want W to see you as steady... a rock of stability at a time when she is confused and floundering.
Decide who you want to be and don't wavier from working towards that goal.
As for "Being cordial and not pursuing has given her the space to continue her EA with OM."
Remember, you have no control over her A. What she does is up to her. Stand back, be the best you.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY. Tough day. Last thing I wanted to do today was be around her after last night. Wound up spending all morning with her at a 5k race and then lunch afterwards. Would have been lots easier to not have to interact with her today. I need 24 hours or so to decompress after the tornado that happened. I'll be back on my feet and back on course this evening hopefully.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Weirdest thing. All afternoon W has been cleaning house and singing to herself. I've been short with all conversation, but not ugly. I just don't feel like talking to her. Just a moment ago she was showing off the bathroom that she hadn't cleaned in 6 months that is now sparkling. She cheered out loud.
W went on to say, "it actually feels good to get up and do something. I feel more like myself today." Big smiles. Weird.
The title of my thread is very appropriate over the last 24 hours. I'm living with an alien.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Can't stand to be around her tonight. I need my own space after last nights re opening of wounds. I'll spend my 2nd night on the couch. I just don't want to talk to her, be near her, or even think about touching her right now. All the good I've done for myself and my kids was thrown into my face and I'm disgusted by her right now.
I must own these emotions right at the moment so that I can put them away. Tomorrow will be a better day...
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Man, tough situation for you right now. I would be the exact same way as you right now. That was a hard blow you took, just try to stay positive and know that it will pass. Its still amazing to me how quick the MLCer changes the way that act and think towards us. Makes things even harder on our end. Like others have said she has noticed your changes and is just taking out her pain and confusion on you. Look on the bright side, atleast we know what we want in the end.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
There has been much said already that is spot on. I can't begin to tell you how similar to your situation mine was. You brought back a memory with the cleaning and singing to herself. It's difficult to watch, I know. But I agree you should consider staying your course. Your changes were for you and about you. Keep them. It truly is up to her to figure out if she can be part of the family or is going to leave. But if you change your routine/self, she'll get confused and say how you're a liar and inconsistent etc. She, you, and your kids need to see you being consistently and authentically you. Not somebody who is contorted to "manipulate" your W. Don't twist yourself until you don't know you any longer. Nobody would like you, especially you
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I wonder if it would be easier for her if I wasn't here. I refuse to give her a blank check to ruin our family. I have told myself that I wouldn't leave my kids and I would stand and fight. I will not leave my family, no matter how painful it is to be here.
Yes, it would be. For now. But I don't recommend it. I recommend you being the man of the house in a firm but gentle way. If she wants to leave, you can't stop her. If she wants to leave, disrespect, etc, then that's her choice. She needs to live with it, and the consequences. That's not yours to own.
Quote:
The hill that I am willing to die on is my belief in the sanctity of marriage and the importance of having a mother and father for children. I see teenage kids every day with broken families and I cannot stand it. Our children get the idea that relationships are disposable. It makes me sick.
Quote:
As far as DBing, if W is no better than she was 6 months ago, should I shift gears and try another tactic? She is noticing my changes, but I certainly am not getting the desired reaction from her. MWD suggests trying something different.
Try to remember these things. This is not about you. This is about her, and only her (mostly). She needs to work it out, else there is nothing for the two of you. You have done a tremendous amount so far, but it's early yet. This didn't start overnight and it won't end overnight. No matter what she says or does, it'll take a long time. And I doubt seriously she understands why or what - she can't fix it or explain it no matter how much you want that, until she knows why she is doing it. Blaming you is the easy way out for her. It helps her to explain things in a worldly way. The world will tell you that it's because the parents can't get along or "I just didn't want to be married any more. I needed to find myself" or similar stuff. That's a fool's errand, but she needs to figure that out. You are the very last person who can explain anything to her right now. Try to keep that in mind.
By being you, and giving her time and space, you are the best friend she's got right now. You are not encouraging her behavior, but you are not judging either. At the same time, you need to have your own life. If talking to her doesn't work for you, then don't. If you feel you need to tell her it doesn't work for you, then tell her.
I do not advise leaving the house. For me,I didn't leave the bedroom either. That was a boundary for me. I still have the house and will until my youngest is finished with HS. I won't lie, it was difficult. My ex, even though she immediately remarried, has tried for a very long time to blame, accuse, and so on. The usual for this board. She even went so far as to try and get her BF's to get in a fight with me. She is and was still angry toward me as much as she can. It didn't start that way. It started with her telling me she ILYBINILWY, then it was about her childhood, then it was she was angry at me. Angry at me for not leaving, for keeping the house, etc. She spent a long time finding a reason to blame me. She hasn't found the peace and truth in her actions she went looking for. She has told me repeatedly she 'deserved happiness'. For years now she tells me she is soooooo happy now and how pathetic everything was. Along the way she lied, made up stuff, etc. All par for the course.
My point is that it gets worse before it gets better. If you don't detach, it'll tear you up. If you instead focus on you and being you, you'll see this differently. And you'll be much better able to handle it.
She'll do what she is going to do regardless of your words, actions, etc. By being you, you stand the best chance of saving yourself and your family.
Think about it.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Wow AJM, what a spectacular post. It's so great to hear from you... you really "get" this stuff. Thanks so much for helping all of us.
"But if you change your routine/self, she'll get confused and say how you're a liar and inconsistent etc. She, you, and your kids need to see you being consistently and authentically you. Not somebody who is contorted to "manipulate" your W. Don't twist yourself until you don't know you any longer. Nobody would like you, especially you "
True dat!
Mr J, my W often sings around the house. To me it seems a sign she is at least somewhat content, maybe even working out her issues in her own way. I like it.
What new things do you have going on, just for you?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Changes for me today. Got up for an early morning run and it was a great way to start the day. 35 degrees will wake you up!
Got my kids out of bed and dressed for church. We haven't been to our church in 2 or 3 years. S10 has been asking about going for a while now. I told W in the middle if our blowup R talk Friday night that I was going and inviting the children, knowing S10 would be excited. I invited her to go if she wanted to, but made sure she understood I was going with or without her. She threw that up in my face 30 minutes later saying that I had never thought it was important before. It's amazing! I sincerely try to make changes to make my life better and somehow it's a bad thing. Craziness.
AJM-before I stopped looking at her FB, W was posting quotes and pictures daily about "happiness" and "deserving happiness," and "peace." Remarkably similar to yours. Thanks for sharing. I don't like knowing that this is gonna get worse before it gets better. That's a scary thought.
Thanks to everyone here. Friday was a setback for me. Back on the horse today. Being the best me I can be for me and my wonderful boys. S10 is do fired up about going out the door with me in a minute it has made my day already.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Good to see you are back on track. As mentioned above, you control your actions not hers. I know realizing that has helped me alot in this crazy ride. Keep up the good work, I wish you the best.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
