For instance... would you ever let your D starve to death? No? Why? Can you guarantee that? Yes? Why?
Because you commit to letting nothing that horrendous happen to your D. You make a commitment. That is what your H is asking you for. A commitment. He's not asking you to guarantee that you will never be tempted. But he's asking you to come to him and have a conversation or put the brakes on or whatever it takes not to take him and your entire family on this hellacious journey again...
Why would you not want to commit to that?
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
And RIGHT there is the reason, your H has no interest in coming back. Because "guarantees are like commitments and vows, you have to have the stamina to honor them, EVEN when it's NOT convienent and to your H, I'd guess that it doesn't sound/look to him, like commitment is your strong suit. T2
we both agreed that it will be a hard road. I think he wants to get back because he feels strongly about the family unit and that his daughter needs both parents. Like he said before, if d was 18 it would be a different story. right now for three years, he bascially had her on Fri night and sometimes on Sat night, he has physical custody and tells me I can see her anytime I want. He told me if he wanted to date, he couldn't because he is always so busy. I am going to make a suggestion that we do like most divorced couoples and he gets her one weekend meaning Fri night, all day sat, and bring her home on Sunday sometime and next week my turn. Now I feel that yeah, it would be very easy to get back together; we know eachothers families, know what eachother likes; have a daughter, heck we know our form of birth control and we have seen eachother naked. If he has weekends to himself maybe he will date, or find that yeah, I want to repair this marriage not for my daughter but for me because I still love this woman. He wants me to say that we will never go through what we went through again. I told the truth and I lost my family, I am now a little standoffish about the truth, so I can't guarantee anything, I don't think anyone can.
right now elwood, I am very amazed and proud of myself. I love my apartment and I am paying all my bills, I am enjoying myself. I am leaning too going to counseling, I agree both ex and I need it, but I am not not expecting anything, I think its time for me.
my d staving to death, of course I would help her, she is my d and she is only 12 yrs old. So I don't understand that, but can you or anyone say, yes, I will be a good person and behave myself and I will now be the perfect wife, I will try, but there are no guarantees for anything in life. If he wants it so that I say yes, we will go to counseling and rebuild are marriage and we will never hurt eachother again, I don't think anyone can promise that, I can promise that I will try, but I don't know what else to say.
you got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything.
What is it that you stand for? What do you believe is the right thing to do in an r? What is your job descripton as a girlfriend as a wife?
i think your xh is wanting to know if you've learned that commitment is just that and not feelings.
My mc said: Love is a verb (your actions communicate love), Love is an attitude (you do the right thing despite how you feel (such as the temptation to have an a...this is a feeling but the right thing to do is to be committed to the one you are married to) and Love is a promise to your spouse that you can either keep or break.
H wants to know that you see commitment to him as through better or worse, in sickness and in health....not something to be thrown to the wind when someone else takes your fancy.
That is the CHANGE in you he is seeking....a woman that will stand firmly by vows cause it is the right thing to do.
We all as spouses mess up, do dumb things, but the commitment to the r should go on despite arguments or whatever. That is what db'ing is all about...d is not an option.
Quote: My mc said: Love is a verb (your actions communicate love), Love is an attitude (you do the right thing despite how you feel (such as the temptation to have an a...this is a feeling but the right thing to do is to be committed to the one you are married to) and Love is a promise to your spouse that you can either keep or break.
Wow, that was great insight/advice. Both of us should have thought that d was not an option, oh well, learned that lesson the hard way. The right thing do to is to work it out, she is the father of my child and I did vow to love him before God. I guess I will have to see if he has changed as well. If two people do not make eachother happy then even if there is a child involved that should not get back together. Love is a verb: I got my own apartment, took care of him when he broke his heel, made medical appts for him , love is an attitude; sending cards, doing little things, believe me having an affair is so not worth it. Love is a promise for richer, poorer, etc. I was up front and honest for years, never hid anythng, even though it hurt him, it should have been a wake up call instead of get out. If you love a person, when they tell the truth weather it hurts or not, you should try and work it out.
I had to leave his house to pick up my prescription and he was like oh, your blood pressure meds, thats all your on. I just said I had to p.u. my meds and left. When married he hated tht I was on Paxil. I didn't dare tell him that I am on Wellbutrin--that's what I had to p.u., I will wait until we see the MC. Then he made a joke about credit cards, I forgot exactly how we were talking about it, he wanted to know how my credit cards were. well I said fine, once when I asked him to take me back he said he wouldn't because then he would inherit my cc debt. I fell as though he wants to make sure all the stuff that he didn't like before in now all taken care of. this is going to be a very, very long journey and how knows maybe in the end we will both end up with other people.
well, this was the first V-day that I didn't give the ex a card. I thought he would at least say happy valentines day since he started the counseling talk first. Reading elwood's post made me realized, I know I hurt my ex and I don't want to do it again, he deserves to be happy and maybe I missed my family life so much that I want to recapture it, but I don't think that is possible. I was thinking about when he came back from Poland last summer and I ran to him and kissed him, I didn't feel anything, I felt like I has kissed my uncle or something. I really regret this whole divorce thing. I should have kept my big mouth shut and rolled with the punches and I would still be married and I wound't have to deal with this whole mess. On v day OM came over with 2 cards he used to always to do a funny one and a serious one. flowers, candy, lottery tickets and yeah I went out to dinner with him and had a great time. We did all this on Friday because the OM said the didn't want to mess up Saturday for me in case I had plans.
