One giant leap forward! - Part 8

[T1000]

Woke this morning to find this from W at 01:20 a.m.

W: Seeing how the kids have been, has really affected me. Its gave me a different perspective on our situation. It's got me really worried and before anything goes further in both our lives I need to know where we stand and what we 100% agree to do.

Not sure how to respond to this.

[Fartiltre]

W: Seeing how the kids have been, has really affected me. Its gave me a different perspective on our situation. It's got me really worried and before anything goes further in both our lives I need to know where we stand and what we 100% agree to do.

IF I ever get anything like this from my WAW:
Mainly this text would pi$$ me off to some degree. The “What we 100% agree to do” is simply over the top! As I have read your thread she has done pretty much what she liked for a long time and now she is trying to guilt you with the children and making you responsible with this “agree to do”

That said I have no idea how you should respond!
I guess the question that pops is what do you want? IMO she is reaching out and yesterday you wrote that she would have to work for it – then make her do this!

So T, what do you want?
Do you want to work the possible R?


I would thread very careful if I were you! It seems like every time you pull back she comes at you with blazing guns at first, then guilt and kids. Then when you offer something she simply just goes opposite (I could use some quite harsh words here – but I wont).
If you still have any interest in working the M I would properly ask her a question and help her a little in finding the path she needs to walk if she is ever to find her way back to you and the family! She needs help!

Simply ask her – in calm and pleasant wording - to clarify WTF she is up to now. Make her think!

And then just continue living your own life!
How was the date yesterday?

F


P.S. I would also wait for the VETs before acting on this one

[T1000]

Thanks F

I aleardy told her that I am open to discussion. She asked when we could have such a discussion, I said I can drop the kids off a little early. She said we could do without the stress of the kids being there.
I left it, she came back after a while with dropping the kids off early at her parents and meeting in the park.
Normally I would have used my Sunday evening to accomodate this but I let her sort it out. That is how I see me doing anything in the near future, she will have to make an effort for anything.

Not counting the kids I'm the happiest I have been in a long time. I like my life, I look back with WAS eyes at our relationship and we all know how hard that wall is to break.
She will need to do some convincing.

[Fartiltre]

So you are meeting her later today?
I am not sure how to read this?

I totally agree on letting her do the work and I am so happy for you feeling that good! I want to go there!

[labug]

Slow and steady, I'll have to think about that and I can't make any decisions today are good phrases to remember and use.

[T1000]

Hit some traffic so it was too late to drop kids off with her parents. I took them to hers. We spoke on the kitchen for 30 mins.

Main points:
- She feels at a cross roads where she could either get on with her life and start again or rebuild ours.
- Feels that the last 12 months or so she has blocked out me and the end of the marriage and not dealt with it and only now she really feels it.
- Having the kids on weekends and on vacation it has hit her how much I am missing out of the kids lives and how much she wants to share them times with me and as a family.
- Misses me.
- The marriage councillor told her what she needed to hear at the time (she was right to leave) and felt vindicated.
- Says that this time it's different. I said whats different now than August, May, February and last October. All them other times she didn't want it like she wants it now. She never had it in her to follow through like she does now.
- I said that after OM1 even though it was very difficult for me to get past I managed to get through it and i was willing to put up with whatever trouble that may give me. This time we were working our M and you spat me into the dirt and stamped on me by not communicating any of our issues, getting with OM2 and did it very publicly on FB for any friends and family to see it. Some friends and family that knew we were working on M and seeing MC. She apologised very convincingly and said she is really sorry for hurting me.
- She thought about not telling me and just trying to move on with her own life. She was expecting me to tell her where to go when she sent the text on Friday.
- I don't trust her.
-She said she knows she has a long way to go and a lot to prove to make it up to me.
- She says that the not knowing and the situation is making her ill, I can believe that, she does tend to get rundown when stressed. I said I know this sounds a bit harsh but you being ill isn't going to change anything right now. She said she understands, it plays on her mind all the time and has done for weeks. i said that's because you're in limbo and there nothing you can do about it. I've been there and it's not a nice place.
- I said I don't have an answer that she is looking for. She wants to know either way whether it's a never or a maybe. I said it's not never but I don't know if it's something I can do now. I will think about it. She said OK.
- At one point she was saying about how much she loves her life right now. When she paused (thought she had finished) I said that I really like my life right now too, I'm the happiest I have been in a long time. She then said she is happy except for me not being with them.


10 mins after I left she sent me this:

W: I'm so scared to put you in the situation again. I'm actually terrified because I really don't want to hurt you. After you telling me how happy you now are I don't know if the honest thing is for me not to be a selfish bitch and let you move on. I am so afraid of hurting you if it doesn't work out.

A few hours later i sent:
Me: I prefer that the option was offered to me, like you have done. Either way, the decision for myself is still mine and one I have to live with.

No doubt there is plenty I have missed. I forget how hard these things are to write out hours later.


So there we go, just another bi-monthly Sunday head f*^k with a sprinkle of hope and a dash of can I be bothered to ride this storm again.

[T1000]

A couple of things this I remember this morning.

I asked her if it's so importatnt I see the kids more why does stop me from Skyping them sometimes and make it awkward. She said it's because she is hurting.

I told her it would have been a long road for us in August, it will be a bloody mountain climb now.


It's messing with my head this new information about her wanting back in. I feel for the first time I was actually getting somewhere and now this.
I don't know how long I take to decide on this. What is long enough and what is ridiculous?

[Fartiltre]

WOW, T – she is truly pulling you through it all!
Once again you did extremely well, IMHO!

I don't know how long I take to decide on this.

Then don’t set a deadline. Just live your life and see what comes.

As you wrote to HWA:

It is what it is until it's something else.

In my opinion you are doing so well in the interactions with her at the moment!
Do not shut the door entirely if you can help it, but keep on living your own life as you do right now – stay happy and see what the future holds when it arrives.
I still say guide her a little – just a little!


F

[T1000]

Thanks F,

I have no idea how I could guide her.

I think one sticking point is I think she needs to do a lot of work on herself but she thinks she is fine.

[Fartiltre]

I think one sticking point is I think she needs to do a lot of work on herself but she thinks she is fine.

She does! I have read so many times in here that a major issue in piecing is that the LBS have done the work when it start and the WAS has to start doing the work.
Your W has pulled this so many times now! Distancer/pursuer – keep your distance for now!

I have no idea how I could guide her.

I do not know if this is against DBing – properly is so remember that I am still a newbie.

Instead of just telling her that it will be a mountain to climb try asking her a question.

Says that this time it's different. I said what’s different now than August, May, February and last October. All them other times she didn't want it like she wants it now. She never had it in her to follow through like she does now.

Did she clarify on this one?
Could you get her to do that – not necessarily in front of you, but in her mind?
Ask her to be specific about what will be different this time? Not feelings – but actions.

Tell her that:
talk is cheap!
you don’t trust her words but that actions might change that in time
she needs to look at herself

…she how she responds.


You told me to give my WAW a crumb now and then – I suggest you do the same now! Not by giving her family time but by giving her a little knowledge, by making her curious to WTF happened to her late husband – how did he transform, why and how. As I recall you have had this convo with her approx. the same time you faced your fear about roller-coaster (IRL) You told her about IC and so on.
Could you at some point refer to that convo and simply tell her that you have continued working you and that you haven’t seen any change in her – that she is going in circles.

I know you are not supposed to argue with a WAW but this is not supposed to be an argument – just you stating your honest opinion.

Just thinking out loud – I don’t know if this makes any sense – hopefully Sandi will look by and advice!

Oh, and I still think you should keep on living your life: GAL, date – it all!


F