Based on the info you provided in answer to my questions, it appears that H is tentative in jumping back in the M relationship. In a strange way, he's guarding his own heart against potential rejection by you. In my view, he needs tons of reassurances from you that rejection will never happen nor take place before he's fully settled in. The other thing that I am thinking as a former MLCer is the BIG concern over any perceived scorekeeping on mistakes made during fog.
This is not to say that we all get a free pass on some of the awful stuff we did to the WAS and families. Internally, we do KNOW that we have made our share of mistakes and feel remorseful for these incidents. This ONLY APPLIES to kitty kitten MLCers. Not applicable to those with Jekyll/Hyde actions/behaviors! Based on my own experience, although I was pretty much numb throughout the crisis, the caring part of me lay deeply buried inside me. Time and space have allowed me to view my misdeeds, when I am able to recall them, and I do feel regret. I'd hate for Ms. Wonka or others to dredge those perceived slights, hurts, pain ad nauseum because IT now hurts me to see that you hurt too.
If Ms. Wonka had been of of you awesome standers, what would have helped me gain confidence and feel assured that I am "welcome" back in the fold is some non-sexual touches. Raine, I am thinking it would be good for you to initiate them so your H feels that his affections are reciprocated. Perhaps be a bit more playful in the beginning such as reaching out for his head as you walk by and rub his hair.
Another thing I would suggest is to schedule family-only activities 1x a week or every two weeks to encourage bonding for all of you. Chuck-E-Cheese, playing a fun board game. Or even arrange some 1:1 activity for H with kids. To this day, I have very, very fond memories of doing fingerpainting sessions with my father or playing Diddly Twinkles. You get the idea of what I am driving at here, Raine.
It speaks volumes when H wants the babysitter to come in so you guys can go out for dinner. This indicates to me that H is feeling okay about being in close proximity to you without any external distractions. I'd be very interested in hearing about what H does and says during those nights out. That will give you a clue as to his thought process and current state of mind in respect to his place in the family and as your H.
I'd hold off on the wedding ring thing for a while. A part of me thinks you putting on yours on New Year's Day as a "new beginning" and it will be a show of acceptance to your H in a nonverbal way. That'd be big to me if Ms. Wonka had done that. Funny, we MLCers, do watch and see what happens after the fog lifts from our heads. Your H is looking to you for cues which is why I stress the importance of acting as mentors to the MLCer who is slowly finding his/her way back to the M and family unit.
