yeah- it's hard. your comment about the coffee- i feel like my brain is wrapped up in bubble wrap most of the time and i'm finding it one bit harder to concentrate- stick with the conversation- tak in the information, etc.
some days i wonder if i'm getiting loopie like mom - eeeeeek!!!!
i feel badly to here myself say ratty stuff and be soooo negative about my family. idk- maybe just saying it out loud helps me gear back a bit. something about this last big "to do" mom being accusatory & demanding- sister and h chopping my head off- it changed me. idk if it's temp or permanent- just some big shift in my level of caring.
might be good- how long can you give a darn in the face of negativism?
youre sounding good - i was tryin hard and like your little bit about being at the end when we arrive = rather than getting to the end because we get there (or somewhere).
it's tangled- but i kind of "get it". the changes - they come and you made me realize i'm drinking less coffee- it might be good, i am totally running at top speed in mornings after about 8 cups of coffee. (it sounds like alot- just two giant mugs- ) but lately i'm drinking less and maybe i'm a bit more foggy - but less totally freaking too.
did that make ssnes? maybe it's the caffeen.
i'm truly tryin to get going more even with the positive thoughts and actions. i'm feeling mighty unwilling about visiting my mom - since she's got helpers there allll day- i'm letting myself slack the heck off and stay away. i'm sorry if she notices it and doesn't like it- she can't change herself. went over other day- she'was scrappy and critical.
just can't stop herself i guess- i can't "do" her just yet. same with sister & h - just cannot force self to deal with them.
i am letting myself off that hook- i hope i'll never regret it- but i just need some distance and detachment from them. it isn't normal
anyway - i'm tryin and i'm workin on it. thanks for the note- i guess i do keep busy as a means of not thinking or laying about. i'm getting tired tho- i'm no spring chicken anymore- tho took a picture of self other nite and it is surprisingly decent- i was amazed.
i am a total pollyanna - can't fight it. 62 years of optimism has taken it's tole - i don't think i can get allll totally down and negative any more if i wanted to. it feels too bad - and i'm too tired of feeling bad.
i'm goinna go crawl in bed and get cozy (keep heat low - so it's chillie in here0 good sleeping tho- i sure hate being hot after allll those years of cooking alive in FLA. eek
i'm workin on it- tho i'll never ever be perfect- can't even picture what that would look like. don't think it exists honestly- just me . ta data da - xxoo and have a wonderful evening.
