i sure do know when you say it takes pressure off somehow to just co-exist in the roles you always had/did and not "go there" allllll the time.
it's got to be so hard for you. as you were sayng about h being "out there" and unaccountable- i think of my sitch (of course) how similar- how suckiieeeee. idk dawn.
we are together and it's so companionable and nice- he's nice.
then (i guess) he goes down there and grows horns and cloven hooves and has some other life. (i'm being ratty- idk what the heck EXACTLY it is that is soooo wonderful about him being there on his own - ONLY ONE THING IS DIFFERENT- ability and ccess to ow 24-7 without any "price to pay" - no guilt- no me there knowing, exactly, etc.
your h too. i guess i'm at the same place as you a bit tho- soooo exhausted in mind that honestly- i don't have much "fight" left - not much juice for "figuring", analyzing, understanding- sometimes i feel like nothing at all left to give to this stupid sitch.
i think to my h it is a game- maybe he cares if i disappear forever- maybe not. honestly- i can't make the call any more.
i'd like to think the first- i just do not have any idea any more.
i hate it - i know it - i am not soooo "destroyed" by it-
i don't like to think this is what it will be forever in my life if i continue to know him and live in his life- it's a sad and shoddy thought.
not going there lately either- just totally living "in the day" for better or worse.
it's hard to decorate or get excited about holidays with nobody around- i sure hate this empty house stuff. who knwos, maybe i'll get a dog. perhaps it's time for me to give up on people - and head right for a r that will be simple and true ot the end. an appealing thought - huh?
my neice just went to dance and had a date. guy with a crush on her- i've heard his name since they were in kindergarten- never met him tho. he's soo cute- she looked so nice and it was sooooooo , well, "adorable". they're 15 - quite young- she and i were chatting about drinking and drugs & smoking this afternoon briefly- don't even know how we got going down that road. a casual visit and only two of us around.
she's got her head on straight- hope it always stays so. it's hard to resist pressure- she's saying all the right things- i think she's thinking them too. she worries about her mom & dad's smoking, her dad's drinking- knows her aunt died from it; we were just talking about the whole thing of running into it at parties, etc. and other people's expectations - or urging - as opposed to what you really prefer to do yourself. eeeek
anyway- took pix - and i'm glad he's seems like such a nice boy and cute to boot. yay..... a year or two ago she was the one without a real date and her two friends had them, this time she's go tthe boy & coursage & etc. woo hoo.
what? me worry- ???
oh well- it was nice and uplifting - trying to keep that feeling and get thru another nite here with the stupid television-
wah wah. xxoo you're sounding curiously calm and good with this- i'm happy you're at a place of non-friction for awhile (fingers crossed_) . staying totally edgie alllll the time sure bites -
