I do want to save this marriage but I am tired and exhausted also. Today my car broke down (head gasket went bad, burnt the fire protection barrier and damaged my engine in the process). I called wife to pick me up and I could tell she was in a bad mood. Her tone, her demeanor and her words were all negative. I told her that I appreciated her picking me up. We had to wait another hour for the tow guy to pick up the car - so I told her that if she had other things to do that I'll figure something out. She responded that she was not cruel and mean like I am. I didn't respond but it is this type of coldness that I am really tired of and that is driving me to want to divorce.
These last few weeks I've given her space, been pleasant around her and have basically allowed her to walk all over me. Her birthday was this week and I got her some boots and took her out to eat. She was cold and distant the whole time. Whenever she does make conversation, she sounds agitated but as soon as someone calls her, she turns into a different person and is upper and pleasant.
I've really tired to make this work and I feel like I've given this the best I can. I've made my mistakes in this whole DB process - that's for sure but I've also been very nice around my wife for the most part. I get that she is hurting but after 6 months you would think she would at least been civil and pleasant. I feel like before the whole zoo incidence, things were getting better. I was sleeping on the same bed, we were talking more, watering the grass in the morning, etc. Now I can just see the hatred and anger in her eyes. I want her to be happy, to really experience joy and for her to have someone where she can feel safe, secure and love. I want to be that someone but nothing I am doing is making a difference at the moment. It feels like things got better but have suddenly taken a turn for the worse. Today she seemed like she was about to explode so I kept my silence the best I could. I've never seen my wife display so much contempt. And while most of it is her internal dealings with her issues - I am struggling with the question of if I want to endure this type of treatment anymore.
Taking three classes, work, lack of sleep, and the lack of progress in the relationship have really taken a toll on me. I feel like I am at a point where I can't take much more. The last two weeks when I had accepted that the marriage was over, I began to start to feel good about life and about the future again. I was able to function and my mood was very positive. The counseling session with my wife brought up so many emotions that I had buried and was trying to forget that I think I am trying so hard to avoid that emotional pain. While divorce is not really what I want, I don't want my heart to be shattered again while holding on to a hope that might not ever realized. I've started to move on with my life and I feel that going back to hope is only going to crush my emotions again - something that I don't ever want to go back to.
I've been really thinking hard about divorce the last three weeks and I have been becoming more comfortable with the idea prior to my wife going to counseling. If I thought for a moment that my wife wanted to make this work but was afraid - I would fight for this marriage. But I feel like she hates me so much that it is hard to see any hope. I am trying not to be negative but I also don't want to deny what reality is.
I am going to think about this and try to figure out what I need to do. In addition, my wife gave me such a hard time with picking me up, I now need to figure out transportation until I can get my car fix (which might be a nice penny to fix). Oh well, everything happens for a reason. This is my crucible - now I must decide whether to carry it or not. Lots of thinking to do - I am definitely not taking this lightly.
