What are peoples thoughts on this? Do I cave sometimes because it's for the kids or do I stand to show that hopefully this behaviour is a waste of her time?
I think you should have politely and firmly told her what you were thinking. "I have absolutely no intention of jumping through any sort of manipulative hoops to be able speak to my own children, and using the children to coerce from me information I am under no obligation to share with you is completely inappropriate. If you have an issue with me, then takeissuewithme. But at no point in time should you ever put the children in the middle of us, using them as pawns to be played in the game of whatever disagreement we are having. Are we clear?"
I don't know how that lines up with your DB strategy, but that's what I would have been inclined to say.
-PM
I like this! I will need to read it a few times to get a good idea of it in my head. I will use something similar the next time she brings it up.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Good feedback from Sandi and PM! I do like PM's suggestion a lot, I have a feeling your W would react very negatively towards it at first but may respect you for it later. It's a good boundary to establish.
Agreed!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I agree with what PM wrote, being firm but fair, and offering ZERO flex on crap like that.
Here's a story: several years ago, I jumped through hoops for awhile with XW1 with my kids while she was slobbering over OM1 - giving her whatever she wanted.
There came a time where my parents and I were taking S11 (who was S6 at the time) to a basketball game, and W said she wanted to bring OM. I said, "No. We are married, and that would not only be disrespectful to me, but to the kids as well. I have offered a quick dissolution, and you refused, so if you bring OM1, we will leave." I was very calm, and hung up.
She came and brought OM1, and I pulled S11 out of the game, and walked out. I remember literally shaking - believing I had ruined any chance at reclaiming a relationship with her, etc, etc.
She called and ranted and raved and screamed and talked about how she was taking every dime I had, and she was going to get full custody of the kids, and I was a blankety-blank blank. This went on for like a week. Then she called all sugary wanting to keep the kids an extra day to have a New Year's Eve party with OM1. I said, "No, I'm sorry, we have plans". She repeated the previous rant for about another week.
After that, our dynamic COMPLETELY shifted. I was calm, collected and in control. Every time after that, she was careful to tell me her plans on why she wanted to have the kids, and always offered a day in exchange.
Just another perspective of what sounds like a similar situation.
Thanks for that Jon,
There have been times over the last 12 months where I have took a stand and it has ended up being beneficial. I think lately my thoughts have been more towards W being so out of my life it's like a stranger asking me to cartwheel though the hoops of fire where really it isn't and it needs sorting out rather than dismissing and carrying on.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I'm half way through writing an update for today. Something either has changed for W or she is up to something else.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I always seem to be late to the party when you start a new thread..just catching up and, ironically, just as I came to your youtube link, Wrecking Ball came on the radio. One of my favorites.
It is amazing to see how far you have come in your replies to W's texting. I love PM's response if she brings up the bday again.
Can't wait to pop in later and see what W's new game is....
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I was hoping to have the kids this weekend but I didn't want to take any chances so I texted W this morning.
Me: Hi, can you make sure the kids tablet is charged so they can watch it in the car? W: Eh??? Is this not my weekend to have the kids? Me: You had them last weekend. W: Oh yeah....when you couldn't be arsed turning up for your son's birthday. Me: Being arsed had nothing to do with it. I'm celebrating S1's birthday when I have them. W: Pathetic. I've already made plans. Too short notice to ask to see them. Me: You took away my scheduled weekend with them last week. Its not what I wanted but I accepted it as it was out of my control. Changing that weekend and then keeping me from having them this weekend isn't fair on them. One minute you're saying they need to see me more and then the next you take that away from them. I've been trying Skype them and you won't let me. If you have an issue with me, then take issue with me. But at no point in time should you ever put the children in the middle of us. W: Relationship with you and those little boys don't think you care about them. You are breaking mine and their hearts treating them this way. Excuse me...you asked to skype then once...I was not I'm the house! You should make the effort to see them more. I even took my computer so you could skype him on his birthday but you didn't even send a message or call me to let him talk to you. That littles heart was broken asking for you on his birthday. Celebrating it on your own scheduale is not how it should be done. You know I don't want them having 'two' birthdays. I am no way using them as pawns and you know that. I really want them to have a Me: I understand why you would feel that way. I find it hard to know where I stand. I didn't feel like I would have been welcome on Sunday. W: Of course you would have!!!! You are their Dad. You seeing them come above everything and anyone no matter what happens in life! Me: I appreciate you saying that. I really need to spend some time with them. Can I please pick them up today? W: Yes. See you at 3pm. I'll meet you at the park. Need to talk to you about both of them. Me: Okay great! Bring their tablet? W: Will do. Me: Thanks W: No worries :-) --------------------------
As you can probably see I needed to turn the conversation to my advantage and used validation to do that and it worked well. I was being manipulative, I saw no other option in being able to see them. You also might notice some of PatientMans monologue in there. Considering how stubborn W is I was quite impressed with myself how quickly I turned it aorund. A few months ago i would have been arguing about every little dig she threw my way.
Got there and the kids were made up. W was being okey. As the kids were playing W was trying to talk to be but said that I was difficult to talk to as I have been stand off-ish for weeks and I don't talk. I said I have no questions, you want to ask me something go ahead. She asked me why I never turned up for S1's birthday. I said I didn't feel welcome, I didn't know she took her laptop to skype. I didn't know who she was there with, I'm not gonna turn up if you're there with your boyfriend. She said she didn't want the kids having two birthdays, I said that's the reality, whether you accept it or not the kids also have a life with me and I'm not going to enter "her life" for every occasion. We are not going to be spending occasions as a family unit. She got teary at this point, I felt like I should hug her but I never. S4 kept saying Mummy and Daddy, Mummy and Daddy. W repeated what he was saying. She asked me why I wouldn't move to her town for the boys if I was willing to do it for her. I told her I was willing to do it for us as a family not just her. We walked to the car, she mentioned again that I'm stand off-ish. I asked her if she had the bracket to hold the tablet on the back of the car seat headrest. She said she left it in her car. It took me while to set off because I have to get some stuff sorted. As I was pulling out of the car park W drove past and flagged me down. I pulled over and walked over with the tablet bracket, she looked awkward.
Within minutes of setting off my phone beeped:
W: I miss you
10 mins later...
W: I wake up most days not having a clue what I'm doing. I think about you every day and I honestly don't know what to do. The boys need you ...and I think I need you too. I'm sorry.
About 5 hours later Me: I appreciate your honesty. I felt like that for a long time myself, its difficult.
Really I didn't want to reply. However if anyone sends me an apology whether they mean it or not I think they deserve at least a little recognition. Again a few months ago I would have been all over that text, I would have wondering why meeting in the park... I'm so detatched I didn't even realize how detached I am. It wasn't until I thought about it on the way home. I also wanted me reply to let her know I'm not in the same place she is mentally.
I felt like saying 'give yourself a few months and see how you feel'.
I feel like there is more to this write up but it's late and I've still got presents to wrap.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I always seem to be late to the party when you start a new thread..just catching up and, ironically, just as I came to your youtube link, Wrecking Ball came on the radio. One of my favorites.
It is amazing to see how far you have come in your replies to W's texting. I love PM's response if she brings up the bday again.
Can't wait to pop in later and see what W's new game is....
I do like the song!
Thanks I think my repsonses to W's texting is a mixture of things I have learnt on here and being really detatched.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
She sure seems to be interested in something whether it’s cake or you I don’t know and I don’t want to guess!
You are handling yourself extremely well! You call it manipulative and it might be – but it took out the tension and made the convo so much better! I see this as in your common interest and therefore nothing negative. I also like the way you put in PMs words and made them your own! In fact I simply like everything about how you handled this and I am going to read it several times just to learn!
Most of all I am so happy that you managed to turn this around and that you can celebrate birthday – that’s just great!!
She will IMO initiate further convo about this – the last answer you send (and I do agree in doing that) didn’t give any closure.
It seems like HWA and you have both have taken a major step forward the last weeks! I am so happy for both of you!
Enjoy the birthday and do look into that FB-thing!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Wow just wow. Does your W ever apologize for anything to you? If she doesn't, then this is a very big step for her, isn't it?
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
