Since my last post my wife has continued to be distanced. It's hard to believe that just a month and a half ago we were sleeping on the same bed and now we are back to the beginning thanks to the whole zoo incidence. I continue to sleep in another room and we really don’t talk unless absolutely necessary.
That said, the last two weeks have been really good for me. For the first time in a long time the relationship did not bother me. I was able to work, function and even experience some fun/happiness – all without my wife. I think I had reach a point where I just didn’t care about the relationship anymore. I had resolved in my mind that the relationship is over and was getting ready to file for divorce. Although this was not what I wanted, I had accepted it for what it was and was prepared to move on.
So yesterday my wife texts me and asks me when my next counseling session was. Ironically, it was that same day so I told her that my appointment was at noon and left it at that. She called me about 15 minutes before the appointment and told me she was going to go with me. WOW! Wasn’t expecting that. My counselor had previously asked me to invite my wife but I never pursued it due to all the DB advice I read about WAS.
So during the meeting my wife told the counselor how she felt about the relationship. She cried a lot and really made it known how much hurt, mistrust and pain I had caused her. I listened, validated and took responsibility for my actions doing the meeting. I told my wife that she was very brave for opening up and that I was ashamed of my actions. The counselor also did a great job in helping my wife see how her current behavior isn’t working either for her. At the end of the session, the counselor asked my wife if there was one thing she wanted me to do this week. She responded by telling me that she didn’t want me to use our daughter as a way to get closer to her. I am going to think about that some this week and see if there are things I need to do to work on that. I don’t think I really do use my daughter in that way but my wife thinks I so – so I will see how I can improve on that. The counselor asked me that same and almost broke down and cried. I told her that I had zero expectations and that at this point I didn’t want anything from my wife. That the only thing I wanted was for her to work on herself and do what she needs to do. I almost told her that I wanted a divorce but held back. I did say that the best thing is for my wife to take care of herself and to just screw the marriage and the myself at this point. I got very emotional and teary when I said that but quickly got myself together. The counselor ended by saying that she was impressed by how open, honest and transparent we were with our feelings. I’m not sure what to think of all this .
That evening my wife continued to be distanced so I am not sure if anything really changed for her. My wife told the counselor while looking at me that I had robbed her of the best years of her life, that she has zero trust and that she is so angry at me. She also cried and said that she is so afraid and feels like a prisoner – that she doesn’t know if I am going to kill her like her dad did her mom. She told me that she had given me a second chance and that I blew it – so how can she know for sure that I am not going to do the same thing again. I told her that I understand how she can feel that way and that I don’t blame her for being cautious.
I left the session wanting to call my attorney to file the divorce. I didn’t but I felt like it and still feel like it. After hearing my wife say all those things, I don’t think there is any hope of her forgiving and trusting me again. The damage is so severe that I think she is better off starting a fresh relationship with someone new. At the same time, I had resolved and accepted that this marriage was over. It upsets me that she decided to go to counseling when I had been trying to make this work for the last six months. Now that my mind was made up to divorce, I feel like she is messing with my emotions. I know that my emotions are mine and mine alone – but I don’t want them to be messed with. I don’t want to risk getting my heart broke again. I don’t want to ride the roller coaster again. These last two weeks have been great and for the first time, I felt normal and okay. Now as I was getting ready to file for divorce, she comes along and decides to go to counseling.
I don’t know what her motives are. A part of me says she is doing it so she can mark it off her list – to say that she tried. I am done trying to make this work. I feel like if she wants to make our marriage work, then she needs to put in effort and not just an effort – a substantial effort. I don’t want to live in another cold war with her. I am ready to move on and get this over with.
Last night I left the house and drove around town for an hour and started to cry. I can’t endure false hope and I don’t want to risk my heart being broken again. I am scared and a big part of me feels that divorce is the best way to protect me. I also feel that my wife deserves better than this. I don’t want my past to always linger with my wife – even if we were to reconcile – that is no way to live. She is so damaged by me. The relationship that I crave and desire (and that she desires) requires such a big leap of faith that I don’t think she can do it nor do I think I want to risk it.
I don’t know if I should talk to my wife about my feelings or just wait for her to make a move (which I don’t know if she will or not). I am so ready for conclusion – for this mess to be over with that I would need to see some serious commitment on her end to really want me to not file for divorce. I’m not sure what I should do but I know that I don’t want to re-live the last 6 months again. I need to see progress or go into piecing.
