Rosa, I too sometimes struggle with that over detached, no longer in love with my spouse feeling, and I don’t like it. If I have to be totally detached, I might as well be gone. Total detachment is a mistake when you live together, I’d say. Here’s my take:
Detachment is for us. We only need to detach as far as is necessary to protect us from being hurt, and this level will vary between people and even between periods of our sitch. Detach too much, lose the loving feeling. Don’t detach enough, get hurt. Like everything else, it’s a dance.
Let me try to explain. Like you, I live with my MLC spouse and we still do things for each other, have conversations, etc. This maintains connection, or attachment. Like when your H took you to the hospital and took care of you at home, or when he does home projects. Or when my W does all the laundry and cleans the kitchen, or makes meals. Likewise, we do plenty for our spouses. Many of these things we don’t have to do. This is one way we show love to each other.
So I would suggest if you feel like you’re losing the loving feeling for H, you try to reach out and do something for him. Something that you know he will appreciate. When he thanks you, you’ll know you hit the mark! Likewise you may try to ask him for things. Little things that you’re pretty sure he wouldn’t mind doing for you. When he steps up and does something you requested, you’ll feel some of the love he most certainly still has for you.
In sitches like ours, this seems better than the “Pull back and hope they figure out that they miss us” tactic… which to me, is best reserved for last resort, like when they move out or initiate D.
Let us know how it goes.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
