Becoming Patient Man III - Moving Forward

[jp787]

PM, I am in awe of your writing, you are so fluent and articulate your thoughts so well! Do you do this as well verbally also?

I’m not sure why, but I relate your situation to the movie the Vow with Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. I think that once you let go all the way (not meaning giving up being a great father and friend) that then is when the chance of your W opening her eyes up and seeing you would happen.

You’re an asset to this board, I hope you see how much you help others.

[uRworthy]

You know, PM, I have to say, you are ok.

I just wanted to say this, if I may, regarding what you wrote. I get the selfless part of loving her that you wrote about. But, I think that you also have to love you, honor you. When you do that, you love and honor her, too. The way to do it is to really and truly let her go. That does not mean to let go of hope. There is always hope as long as you decide there is. But letting go is a way to respect what you both had and it the greatest act of love there is.

To do anything less than that is a disservice to both of you.

I understand the fears you have. But, you want her to figure herself out and maybe one day look towards you not because she feels dependent on you, not because you are what she knows. You want her to look to you because she realizes that more than anything, you are what she wants.

This is a hard thing, what you are going to do. But your heart is where it should be. Time to allow her to live her life and time for you to, also.

[PatientMan]

PM, I am in awe of your writing, you are so fluent and articulate your thoughts so well! Do you do this as well verbally also?

Thank you for the compliment.

To answer your question, I prefer verbal, face-to-face communication over any other form. This will probably come as a surprise, but I really don't enjoy writing because I find textual communication to be extremely limiting. And because I feel that limitation, I tend to become verbose to ensure the message I am trying to convey gets transmitted properly. This leads to really long posts, where I imagine people click on my thread, see the volume of what I've posted, have their eyes gloss over, and move onto someone else's sitch.

I’m not sure why, but I relate your situation to the movie the Vow with Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. I think that once you let go all the way (not meaning giving up being a great father and friend) that then is when the chance of your W opening her eyes up and seeing you would happen.

Thanks for the advice/push. I haven't seen that movie and am not sure that I can anytime soon - it's a "chick-flick" and I don't have a "chick" to watch it with who I can blame on "making" me see it with her.

You’re an asset to this board, I hope you see how much you help others.

Thank you again. It makes me happy to hear that and is very nice of you to say.

I like helping other people. I'm doing more of that in real life as well. If I can help anyone avoid going through what I had to go/am going through, or even just get through it faster/better/healthier, then that's a win.

-PM

[PatientMan]

You know, PM, I have to say, you are ok.

I just wanted to say this, if I may, regarding what you wrote. I get the selfless part of loving her that you wrote about. But, I think that you also have to love you, honor you. When you do that, you love and honor her, too. The way to do it is to really and truly let her go. That does not mean to let go of hope. There is always hope as long as you decide there is. But letting go is a way to respect what you both had and it the greatest act of love there is.

To do anything less than that is a disservice to both of you.

I understand the fears you have. But, you want her to figure herself out and maybe one day look towards you not because she feels dependent on you, not because you are what she knows. You want her to look to you because she realizes that more than anything, you are what she wants.

This is a hard thing, what you are going to do. But your heart is where it should be. Time to allow her to live her life and time for you to, also.

You are, of course, spot on. Thanks for the support.

-PM

[jp787]

This leads to really long posts, where I imagine people click on my thread, see the volume of what I've posted, have their eyes gloss over, and move onto someone else's sitch.

On the contrary, I love reading what you say! You do it so eloquently and are very intuitive!

[PatientMan]

Thanks, jp!

-PM

[PatientMan]

We will be telling our four D's this evening. I just ask the small favor that - if you're comfortable doing so - you say a prayer for my girls sometime today. I am praying for them to have peace and for them to understand this situation/result has nothing to do with them.

Thank you.

-PM

[jp787]

Your all in my thoughts

[PatientMan]

Friday night was tough, but the girls handled themselves relatively well. I didn't sleep much and experienced a very large amplitude between emotional crests and troughs over the course of the day.

Thank you to anyone who prayed or thought about my family.

-PM

[PatientMan]

• XW confirmed late last week what I suspected - there is a mental barrier there where she cannot move forward without being "okay" on her own. In spite of this, she still reaches out to me...I guess that's the drug-like symptom of dependency, which she directly admitted to me as well.
• Went "out" again with a couple of new friends. I'm not a notch-in-the-belt type of guy, and I didn't realize how...I can't think of the right word...promiscuous a lot of people are. I was married young and missed the entire singles scene of my 20's, so this has been my first exposure to it, but it's a little surprising. Even when I tell people that I'm not looking to hook up, that I'm just getting out to do something and enjoy myself, it doesn't seem to register to them (maybe they think it's a line?). None of this stuff bothers me - I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks about me - I just find it surprising. And, frankly, a little disturbing.
• I am definitely NOT looking to cleanse my palette. I can appreciate if a woman is attractive, but I have no desire to pursue, or even respond to their pursuit. I have my religious reasons, of course, but it isn't like I WANT to do certain things, but I feel God looking down on me with His rulebook wagging his finger at me. This lifestyle just isn't my thing, and if Martha Stewart were to give her opinion on the subject, she would say "that's a good thing." I don't have a problem being the only person in the bar not drinking, but if all the ball games are over then I'd rather just go home and go to bed - especially if the place is too loud to have a conversation with someone. (I am embracing my inner codger.)
• Kids were excited to see their old house yesterday. They are handling themselves very well. I think as they see that not a lot will change in their day-to-day lives, they come to terms with things better.
• During "the talk" on Friday night, D7 was astute enough to directly ask if this means I'm not ever coming back home to live. XW did most of the talking that night, but she hesitated so I stepped in to explain how that's what a divorce means. They seemed to be always waiting for me to come back home given the last (and only) talk we had left it at XW and I needing some time apart to figure things out - that was 18 months ago when I moved out. I'm very certain they inferred it was temporary - that I was away for longer than they ever imagined, but it was temporary. Most people would say that the girls, especially the older two (12 & 10) "knew" what was going on, but I'm telling ya, they dynamic between XW and I has been something very different than a separated or divorced couple. I'm NOT necessarily saying Martha Stewart would agree with THAT, it just is what it is.
• XW is still a mess. She told me yesterday she may not be able to keep the van...that she just can't seem to make budget every month and that's the second biggest expense. She could get an older/less expensive van to cut costs. I don't think she knows she still a little upside down on the loan.
• I've gotten a lot done around the new/old house with what little time I've had. Everything that could be unpacked, is. I've got some curtains up and some loaner furniture from friends to help fill the place. I just need to work on making it more livable for my family. First step: beds for the girls. There is a lot to do, but it is all secondary to that.

-PM