9 years just to get her address, that sounds like the babiest of baby steps I've ever heard
Clarification: As I posted earlier here in this thread, it took about 5 to 6 months for Ms. Wonka to give me her 'new' address where she moved in with the OW.
It took about 9 years before our first phone call took place back in the Fall of 2012. That call was 45-minutes long and it was after my father had passed just away with cancer.
Ms. Wonka and her OW have moved in with Ms. Wonka's mother. That address is the one that Ms. Wonka had no problem letting me know.
"She probably thinks that you are the sole source of all her unhappiness, so the farther she can push you away the happier she thinks she'll be. Just grant her wish and give her the space, unless she's a lost cause she will figure out she's still unhappy and eventually come to realize that it's not you after all."
Yup, that is why I have gone into n/c mode. To really give her space to see if I was the source of all her unhappiness. Hey, I guess its possible I was the source of all her unhappiness but I dont really believe that.
9 years for the first phone call Wonka...UGH, that is indeed a looooooong time...I'm starting to feel like that may happen with me and WAW. Over 6 months now and noooooooo voicey stuff over the telephone....Guess ice bergs and phone lines dont mix to well......
"She probably thinks that you are the sole source of all her unhappiness, so the farther she can push you away the happier she thinks she'll be. Just grant her wish and give her the space, unless she's a lost cause she will figure out she's still unhappy and eventually come to realize that it's not you after all."
Yup, that is why I have gone into n/c mode. To really give her space to see if I was the source of all her unhappiness. Hey, I guess its possible I was the source of all her unhappiness but I dont really believe that.
2old, literally where I stand now. The W wants the assets split most likely before I move away. Once I have moved away, she can then have her happly life with no family to annoy her or visit her, unless she wants. Whether she is with the other woman (relationship wise) or not, it doesn't matter. Someday she may realise that I wasn't the only source of her unhappiness, that I was just the easiest target of that source. All I can do, and you too 2old, is be the spouse she regrets walking away from.
ps: I still don't know where you got the "donk" meaning from. The only thing I could think that was close is "He donked me on the head!" Sometimes years ago, we would have said he donked me, meaning he hit me. But nothing related to a bodyguard etc.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
My H thinks I'm the source of his unhappiness and evn blamed me for his depression. Funny how now that he's left he's on anti-ds and getting counselling. Pity he couldn't do that ehilst he was still living here! Have you started sorting out and decluttering ready for the move 2old? How long is it before you move? That'll be cool as then your W won't know where you live either bwahahaha < evil laugh
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
I don't blame you for wanting some kind of explanation. Anyone would want to have at least that much consideration from the one who simply walks away with no words.
During the past six months, I know you have thought this over and over again, and nothing we say seems to help, (which I wish there was something we could do). I remember you being told that even if she had given just one explanation, it would not have made any difference (even though you think it would have). You would have gotten worked up over that one answer and argued or tried to talk her out of the decision. I thought that was the best answer that had been given to you on this subject. Truth is, whatever she would have said, you would have spent the last six months stewing over her answer.....b/c you have to get through this time frame (how ever long that may be) in order to get over the shock and pain.
You are right about one thing....you didn't deserve the way she left you. Since you have never given her reason to fear you physically, she is either chose the manner of leaving b/c it was her idea of being the "easiest way" to end things, or she planned it that way b/c she intended to avoid any resistance from you. It still gives no reason as to why she left, and that's what you really wish to know.
Some day she may decide to tell you, but in the meantime, I believe you need to accept the fact that she may never give you any explanation. Now, I realize you have a hard time accepting it, and may not understand it....but it might actually be best for you that you don't know her reasons. Her reasons could be a lot more upsetting than dealing with what you don't know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"You are right about one thing....you didn't deserve the way she left you. Since you have never given her reason to fear you physically, she is either chose the manner of leaving b/c it was her idea of being the "easiest way" to end things, or she planned it that way b/c she intended to avoid any resistance from you. It still gives no reason as to why she left, and that's what you really wish to know."
Sandi, thank you jumping in and commenting. It is definately appreciated. I believe she knows I would of been crushed if she gave me the "speech" before leaving. Obviously we had issue's in our marriage, Sadly I was like so many other men who didn't see or listen well enough to the suttle and maybe some not so suttle hints. I continue to try and come to terms with how she left and the "why" is slowly fading away.
The hardest thing I'm left to deal with even 6 months later is that we were as we always were. A couple doing for each other, talking with each other, going to breakfast or dinner with each other. This continued right up until the day she left. Then WHAM a brief call telling me she arrived and that she wasn't coming back. The day before I was taking her to the doctor staying with her sitting with her and even opening the car door as I did occassionally (not always).
So, yes it is difficult to accept the way it went down. To go from breakfast that fateful morning to our usual talking on the way to the airport to turning icy cold with little contact all in the matter of a few hours time is stunning to me. A couple of our friends have conflicting views on this. The first, a mutual woman friend says she just may be trying out what she said to her daughter. Living for a year without me to see if that is what she wants.
The other friend, a male says she is not coming back as she has it very easy now with her son helping her out and may prefer to be alone. There had been no OM while we were together. Today I would have no idea other than to believe it very well could happen. To me, it makes no sense to leave the way she did. The fact alone she put her bible down just prior to leaving might say alot about her thought process.
Let me just say, 6 months later and I am doing much better emotionally. It is and will be okay I know this. Whatever she does is out of my control. I understand I can only fix me and live to be a better person. Not sure why she hasn't filed yet but, I have left that and her alone for going on 2 months. I have no choice but to let her reach out to me if that day ever comes.
2old, I don't want to go on but you've given this speech now a few times and keep going over and over the same thing! It's depressing! Especially to me as it makes me think of my sitch. My H took me and my son to the railway station in the morning, gave me a proper kiss goodbye then drove off. His excuse for not coming with us was he had a removal job on, little did I know he meant himself! Whilst we were at the city, we went to a sealife centre and I even bought my H a souvenir. In town I also bought H a couple of books. I felt bad that he wasn't with us. I texted him on the way home on the train, expecting him to pick us up at the other end, instead I got a text back saying "I'm not coming home". So 2old, it happens to a lot of us. Even though he's been round quite often, I still don't really know why he left. Do I wallow in self pity every day trying to figure this out? NO! Do I keep posting this on my thread about H leaving? NO! Do I keep reminding people how long it's been now since he's left? NO! Do I have a PMA? YES! Do I GAL? YES! Do I try and keep my thread positive and upbeat? Yes but occasionally I do have a bad day where I have to get advice on one thing or another. Let's see this new positive, upbeat 2old that you say you are :)No more downbeat, negative posts please No more journalling as you call it. I am going through a rough time at the mo and I need more PMA and less negative attitudes, I get enough negative with my H thank you very much
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
"The hardest thing I'm left to deal with even 6 months later is that we were as we always were. A couple doing for each other, talking with each other, going to breakfast or dinner with each other. This continued right up until the day she left. Then WHAM a brief call telling me she arrived and that she wasn't coming back. "
But see the problem is that this is YOUR perception. She obviously had other plans. She might not even know why she left, so there's no sense in making sense with a crazy person.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Bond, thanks for stopping by and commenting. Yes, it was my perception of things and there does seem to be a "fog" about her. Anyway's, it's always good to journal things out here as many, many vets have said. It's better to put things down in here as it does provide relief for the possibility of doing something stupid otherwise (unnessary contact etc.)
As many vets have also said, none of this is easy and it will take however long it takes each of us to work our way through. And we are and will work through it, Some days will be better than others. As we continue on our individual journeys it is always so very beneficial to have the help and council of so many others who are currently or have lived through these ugly episodes in our lives.............
