The Big Chill

[Pudmuddle]

When I went for my jog, with my dog, in the dark, I bawled the whole way. I want the people in my life to be happy. I'm tired of picking up the pieces, being strong for everyone else. Who is strong for me? No one. Yes, it was a pity party. And grieving still for what has been lost. I didn't want my S to see this. I need to be stronger more than ever now, for him.

I didn't sleep well last night. Too sad, crying. This morning, I had my light on in my room. I was listening to my fave songs. I was crying again.

H peeked his head up the stairwell into my room and said Have a good day, before he left. In a wavering voice I said you too. He said 'you ok?' I couldn't answer, my head was down, weeping quietly. He actually came upstairs, came over to my side of the bed and hugged me for a long time. I just kept crying quietly. I couldn't say anything. Everything I wanted to say. How much I love him, how much I want him back, how much I want him to just be happy again. Finally he said Have a good day. And left.

I feel so sad for this whole situation and not strong at all today.