In many ways, as awful as all this has been, it may be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The time I've had to reflect on myself and my marriage has been a blessing. Looking back over the past few years, I see a person that was emotionally closed, insecure, overly negative, selfish and just not particularly enjoyable to be around. Not saying that H is blameless, that he doesn't have his own issues and demons, or that having A was the right way to handle things, but seeing my contributions to the problems we're having is so helpful. And it's liberating, in a way. It has given me a clearer focus. Making the changes I need to make, for me to become the person I want to be, is hard work - but it is so very rewarding. I don't want to be that person I've been for the last 3 years, the person crushed under the weight of self-doubt and negativity, and crippled with social anxiety and insecurity. Not anymore and never again. I think H is starting to notice these changes, but even if he doesn't, or even if that doesn't make any difference to him, I will come out of this just fine.
