Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

Hi.
I will start out by saying I think this forum is incredible. My story goes like this. Been together with my w for 15 yrs married for 12yrs. Our marriage has always been relatively normal great times, rough times but always able to work through the issues. Except for one issue that has been at the root of basically all of our problems I believe. That is children and when to have them. Before we married we went to pre-marital counseling. We both expressed the desire to have children together but never discussed when to start our family. Parents and in-laws wanted them right away. The pressure was evident. My wife agreed that right after M was too soon and we should wait. I agreed with this and we had a great couple years. Vacations, buying anything we wanted all the toys before kids. Then my wife started wanting kids. After running up some debt and not feeling so comfortable financially I told her we could not afford them at the moment in my opinion. This, of course, did not please my wife but we got through it. Problem is this went on for about 5 years. My W is 13yrs younger than me so I kept telling her we had plenty of time and I kept paying down debt in order to be able to start a family.I knew my wife was unhappy about this but I did not see how unhappy. Then something happened in 2010 that changed everything for me and I thought my wife. Good friends of ours had to deliver and bury a stillborn baby. My wife and I both mourned for them. We followed their story together and I thought by us doing this she and I were on the same page finally and I would tell her I was ready for children. Because of this event I knew we had to start trying for kids because tomorrow is never guaranteed and you have to act in order to fulfill your dreams. Only problem is that I was afraid of what her reaction would be if I came right out and said lets have a baby. After all she waited 9yrs so far and she had a right to be upset. I decided that that I would drop subtle hints and maybe she would then ask me to have a baby and I could give her a resounding Yes!! This was a big miscalculation on my part. We went 15 months with me giving hints but no reaction from her. Finally in late 2011 that same couple we had been mourning for had a beautiful baby boy. My wife said can I go off the pill? I said can we wait till after the holidays? She reluctantly agreed. In Feb. 2012 she stopped taking the pill because the doctor said if she was not on the pill maybe her migraine headaches would go away. She came to me and said " I am off the pill so you have two options. First we dont have sex or second go buy protection. I on the other hand thought of a third option but kept it to myself again fearing her reaction. That option was to just let nature take its course and in due time we would be parents. Knowing full well that this was not going to happen overnight I prepared myself for this by continuing to pay down debt and praying for it to happen. Unfortunately it didnt happen. Then in Jun 2012.I could see my W getting frustrated with everything, me, her job, life in general really. Then one night we were have a fight about her wanting to go somewhere but I wanted her spend time with me. Her mother chimmed in and I told her to mind her own business because all she wanted was grandchildren. Well as you can imagine this did not sit well with my W and I knew it. 2 days later she left me and stayed with a relative. I did all the usual begging,pleading and crying asked her to come home. She finally came back after 2 weeks but ask me to move out to my parents house because she wanted back in the house because she felt like a prisoner where she was staying. I agreed but was miserable. I continued to do all the wrong things. Then about a week later my wife became ill and needed surgery. I moved back home to take care of her but slept on the couch because she still was not happy with us. We finally got back to our bed together and I thought this was going to be when we would be blessed with a baby. Her health problems and job switch added stress to her that I knew was hampering our efforts. Fast foward to 5 months ago. She had told me last year that she wished at some point when we were out for the evening instead of staying out till closing time that I would just go up to her and say lets go home and make a baby. So last May something came over me and I did exactly that and it felt so good and so right. Her reaction was not bad but it was not what I expected. She said all our friends are here can we stay. I understood and and said sure. I figured the next morning we could talk about it and we did. She proceeded to tell me that she felt like we were room mates. I knew she was not completely happy with our M but I didnt think it was that bad. I then started to try and fix things. I asked to talk about it she said she couldnt asked her to go to couples therapy she said she didnt feel like it. This went on for a couple months all the while I was still asking her to have a baby with me. Then I couldnt handle it anymore and at the end of June we were at a concert and I was drinking but I didnt think to excess more than I normally would have drank. All the feelings that were bottled up inside me just came out. I accused her of cheating even though I trust her and ignoring me on purpose because the baby was my idea not hers. I knew I was heading down a slope but couldnt stop. She asked me to go to my parents house to give her space and time to think which I did. I started solo marriage therapy to learn relationship skills, I stopped drinking, joined a gym, lost 35 lbs basically started GAL before I knew what it was. I gave her space we text or talked on the phone I went over to the house to see my dog. None of this was really working working so I started contacting her less and less this seemed to work. Because she would then contact me. All this time we still had not talked about the R. Then she brought it up in Aug. and said she wanted a D and I started to tell her everything I never told her about wanting kids for about 3 yrs now this upset her and she kept saying no it is too late. I told her I would regret not expressing my feelings back then until the day I die. But at least I did get to ask her to have my baby before we were separated. So that she knew I meant it and it was not something I said to get her to come back to the M. Now just a few days ago she says we have to get the D rolling but doesnt want attornies involved. She said that she would love nothing more than to go out to dinner with me after this is all over and talk with me and then who knows in a couple yrs maybe if we are meant to be we will get back together. I told her we didnt have to divorce for all this to happen we can have kids, we can rebuild from here, we can forgive each other for mistakes from our early years. All she says is "you are just telling me things I want hear. I dont love you. I dont want to be married to you right now". Please, if anybody can relate to this can you offer some advice on what to do. I have read DR twice already. It just seems like I am so close but so far away from getting her to start working on things. I just want to start the process before she does something she might regret for the rest of her life. She has told me that she still wants a baby. She says she knows after all this is over there is a family out there waiting for her. I kept telling her it is right in front her she just has to take a leap of faith and trust that it will so much better than before. She just says "I wish you would had told me your feelings about babies back then" Any help is greatly appreciated.