Suckerpunch (the process)

[25yearsmlc]

When you say, I shouldn't say wife left the marriage, who should I say did?

People don't leave good, happy, healthy marriages. They leave shattered, broken, miserable marriages. Our marriages fell apart long before our spouses left, we just turned a blind eye to it.


Exactly. She's NOT insane. So it was not a happy or good m, or even "good enough" marriage, for HER....for awhile.

Your W would probably say you left the M a long time before she did. But again, don't try to keep score or assign blame, that just leads to anger and resentment. Your M imploded due to actions on both your parts, just leave it at that.

PLEASE just leave it at that. The scorecard is bad news. I think how SP compared the marriage to a ship off course, and her leaving it, to her jumping off, is FLAWED.

to HER, the ship was sinking and she did not want to go down with it.

So she got on the only life raft she had left, (b/c to HER, enough chances had been given and things were not improving between you two. I don't know her scorecard or stubborness. I only know yours but it's real and it's all you can work on)

I think she hoped that the raft would take her somewhere kinder, somewhere happier or at least not so heaving and tilting that she felt sea sick often...

I provided a nice home. I built it with my own hands, from foundation to roof and did every bit of upkeep and repair.

A home which you say has zero equity because you say you never owned it, because it's owned by the business. If so then you built it for the family business, not for your W. That's the point that I think 25 is trying to make, on the one hand you claim to be a great provider but on the other hand you claim you don't owe your W anything because you have zero home equity, zero savings, etc.


YES!!! EXACTLY!!!

I worked, (and continue to work for daughter and myself), to keep our home beautiful. I took care of the yard, I took care of our cars.

I remember saying these same things about my sitch. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? It's not what the name implies, it's more a study of the "nice guy" syndrome and how seemingly nice guys are not nice at all, but are hiding some serious character flaws behind things like clean cars and a well-kept yard. The book helped me to realize how much of ^^^that^^^ stuff I was doing to gain validation from others.

AS you are mind reading --- SUCCESSFULLY-- b/c that is what I was trying, however feebly, to get at.


Also there's another book (Venus/ Mars maybe) that goes into how men typically assign value to material possessions, but women don't. So we think women should be happy because we give them all the trappings of a nice life, but their value system is completely different, it's based on personal relationships and emotional connection. If we don't give them that then all the possessions in the world don't mean anything to them.

YES AS, (again!)

Also SP, b/c she NOW wants some financial pay off after her years of marriage and you see none for her, that does not make her a liar when she said she didn't value the "things" you provided.

My guess is She wanted time with you that was not tumultuous, and some affirmations from you. No belittling commentary or need to be right and I don't think she enjoys arguing as you did. In fact we know she didn't.

The house is a home she does NOT get anything from (so why say you provided her a home that was hers??)

AND she does not get to live there either, b/c she's in some storage room but you say that is generous of you b/c she's not out on the street. YOU could have taken the storage area but nope, you put the mother of your child in it.

In many circles that is seen as NOT gallant. Maybe that's why your mom offered her something so she wouldn't be on the street...which I guess you were okay with??

Only you get to live in the house that YOU built, as if only you built it. And that's how it sounded when you wrote that.

So i guess she was just eating bon bons when you were hammering something?

OR does she simply not do construction work, like 99% of women, and she supported your efforts in other ways?

I mean, do you really hear how you sound? IMO, You did NOT provide her the home. You provided it to yourself and your d, OH--as long as your d is with you.

When you die, your d won't get it, right?

So it's really a long term rental for you (life estate?) and you alone, unless YOU happen to be with someone else. But THEY will have no equity in it and no "right" to live there. Only you do.

Not such a "good provision" in my mind...

In my "biological cave man theory" of marriage,

What most women want in a marriage AND home, is security. That means physical security, like the roof won't leak in the rain and the doors will lock and keep bad guys out.
ANd they want security in their marriages, so they feel protected by their man and that means there is food in the house and the baby will be fed, and that means their man will protect them against enemies "foreign and domestic" like the bad guys who would break in, AND the family members who would criticize...

men & women want to know their spouse is loyal to them FIRST, not their famly of origin. So if your mom or other family members were ever critical of her,

or if she believes they were (and we know she does) then it was your job to stop them from doing that. You must choose your wife over everyone else, (or h)

or you won't have a spouse who feels your loyalty. And that will eat away at them.

When my family makes a joke about an eccentricity of my h's, if it's in good fun or complimentary in some way, (his attention to detail) and IF it does NOT bother him, I can laugh.

But if and when it ever crosses over, I speak up to my family BEFORE my h has to.

It has been decades since anyone would dare say something bad about him in front of me.

And i'm fine with that. I hope you come to really get this b/c in your next r, you will need to handle it early on and nip it in the bud. Do NOT wait for it to go away by ignoring it. Stomp it out yourself, handle the day or week of awkward feelings in lieu of years of resentment and pain,

and let your new love know she's first. OTOH before you remarry, if your family dislikes the new love and you cannot discount their beliefs for being flawed (like if they are being bigoted)

if they know/love you and are not coming from a dark place in them,

then listen up. Families usually have valuable insights about our r's.

But that does not mean they help the r's once they think you are hurting. Often they make it a lot worse.

My h tried to avoid conflict about religion, between his mom and me. If he had been open about it, long LONG ago, I would have been fine simply allowing two baptisms and two ceremonies. No skin off my back.

But he thought I'd be upset so he never told me and his mother deeply resented a promise he made to her but did NOT tell me about.

For years she believed I had reneged on that promise, and she began mistreating me and he refused to see it. I gotta tell you, that alone could have ended our marriage b/c I felt he was cowardly and disloyal to me

and the kids saw it too.

but we moved away (talk about conflict avoidance!) and so I never really knew about the promises made and not shared, until her death bed.

His "avoidance" of conflict directly led to MORE CONFLICT and prolonged conflict.

I cannot over emphasize the value of getting it out and resolving things BEFORE they have lasted a decade.

And then, going from this day forward...