M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
How can I respond to H when he says 'things will never change'.
This is not in regards to our M, but mostly when he talks about work. This is his constant theme, and I'm SURE he thinks this of our M, but anyhoo, I digress. I would like to say something supportive, but often this comment makes me want to suggest fixing something.
Thoughts?
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
No suggestions that sound like fixing. Whether he's talking about work or your M, it will come across wrong even if you only intend it to be helpful. I'm sure you'd love to suggest that he looks for another position that he might enjoy more, but you definitely can't do that.
And I'm going to digress - once again MLC trips (or drips as we've come to call them LOL) - my H also has issues with his work, and I believe a lot of those feelings have been transferred into our R, either intentionally or unintentionally.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
I was just hashing history of M (because I have nothing better to do at work, lol) and I remembered some interesting things.
5/2012 - H's first EA contact with AW. They went to lunch. I remember he even told me about this. Though not expressing it as an interest at the time, but going out to lunch with someone. This is also when my father dies from a battle with Stage IV melanoma.
9/2012 - Me severely grieving and getting clinically depressed.
Beg of 2013 - His younger brother has intestinal difficulties, due to a nick in his intestines caused by and appendectomy in his teens. Turns out this led to finding he had intestinal/colon cancer and was extremely ill. He has since recovered and is undergoing chemo.
I am also receiving meds and treatment for my depression. Ignoring H basically trying to fix myself.
6/2013 - His 47th birthday. He also finds out that an old boss of his is becoming severely disabled and 'old-looking' due to some serious back injuries from years past. I remember my H telling me this and how upset and shocked his face looked. This man was only slightly older than H.
Also starts EA/PA with AW in this month.
7/13 - Bomb drop. Separate rooms, still in same house.
Holy cats! What a discovery. The man and our marriage has been through a LOT of crap. I can see more and more clearly why he would be in pain. Huh.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Pud, I know how hard it is to see someone you love hurting so much. And I know you just want to fix it all for him. But you know you cant.
He has to do it or it wont be fixed.
I wanted to comment on something. I know that you can see how depressed he is. And I know about depression. I suffered from it for some time.
When you are depressed, each day is like trying to swim upstream in mud. You see branches and rocks along the way, but, you just dont have the energy to reach out for them. You just try to get through each day, each hour sometimes.
I always try to put myself in others' shoes when I think about responding to them.
And Im thinking that your h is telling you how bad work is and I know that you think telling him to think positive is a way to help him. I get that. But, he is hearing, there goes Pud, not getting what I am saying. She isnt hearing me.
Now thats not to say that you should commiserate with him and say yea, you're right they suckk. But, you might want to say, Im sorry its been hard and leave it at that.
I hope you know the spirit in which I am telling you this. I want you to understand some of what he is thinking so that maybe your interactions could be less stressful.
I am really, really trying hard to figure out better ways to respond to him so I greatly appreciate your perspective.
Part of the problem is that I have heard this same thing for so long, I really have no clue what to say anymore. So you are probably right he is saying the same thing, and so am I. A bad pattern, I see.
I DO want them to be less stressful, so any perspective you can give me on anything big or small is highly appreciated. I'm trying to change my ways, especially the communicating effectively part, how I respond to him, because obviously it hasn't worked very well.
Yes, I used to have just SAD syndrome, then with life events last year it turned into clinical depression. I am much better now! Thank you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
- definitely drips....