DARK - how do you do it right? I need help BADLY

[DTM]

I understand your points and agree with them. I am still married and no, I wouldn't find it acceptable to date anyone else during my marriage..for either of us.
Her relationship with the OW is mostly emotional and I would say there was minimal physical contact. From what I understand and tend to believe it was/is hugging and kissing and the kissing has (she says) stopped and lasted about a month back in March. I know for a fact there were plenty of racy pictures sent back and forth but I think that's as far as it went. The last time I asked about "them" about a month ago my W stated she still has "feelings" for the OW but isn't acting on them. (well I say she's acting but she thinks emotional connection must be no action) Anyway..
To my knowledge she has never once expressed to me that she would rather be in an alternate relationship instead of married to a man. She definitely said recently that she has no interest in meeting another man and if given a choice she would have a relationship with the OW - BUT she states that she will not take my children away from me back to the other state where we moved from (600 miles away) and hence won't (or can't) pursue that relationship.
SO - she will either decide to drive and visit a lot or the OW may separate / divorce and move this way...I have no idea. Of course the best case scenario is she finds her way back to reality and our marriage.
We had an exceptionally good sex life together until all of this happend. The last time we did make love she stated (later on) that she "felt nothing" (emotionally)..and for a woman to feel nothing emotionally is a nail in the coffin until I find a way to get her back. It's been a little over 3 months since we made love and now she won't even let me touch her bare skin.
I certainly had other issues..but none of them so serious that they couldn't be made better with communication instead of checking out of the marriage..but that's my fault for not seeing and hearing like I do now.
I am committed to DB'ing and finding a way to show her happiness in our marriage. I BELIEVE I can do it because I love this woman and don't want to be without her. I AM capable of moving on and would have probably done so already if we didn't have two awesome young kids. My W is not evil, I don't hate her or wish her ill will. I have truly forgiven her for going outside our marriage...she knows this. I am humble and I am not looking to even the score..I'm just trying to find out if she truly wants to be ROOMATES with no hope of a marriage again or something more. I guess the answer is time and patience.

[Mach1]

We had an exceptionally good sex life together until all of this happend. The last time we did make love she stated (later on) that she "felt nothing" (emotionally)..and for a woman to feel nothing emotionally is a nail in the coffin until I find a way to get her back. It's been a little over 3 months since we made love and now she won't even let me touch her bare skin.

Because she doesn't feel a connection with you anymore. That doesn't mean it can never return again.

3 months is nothing in this type of situation. This didn't break overnight, and it won't fix overnight either.

I certainly had other issues..but none of them so serious that they couldn't be made better with communication instead of checking out of the marriage..but that's my fault for not seeing and hearing like I do now.

Don't discount YOUR luggage that you carry around. What seems miniscule to you, could be very large to her.

You have to open yourself up to examine those things, and understand them at the most simplest of levels. Ask yourself if YOU would want that in a partner.

Then find out WHY you were like that...

I am committed to DB'ing and finding a way to show her happiness in our marriage. I BELIEVE I can do it because I love this woman and don't want to be without her. I AM capable of moving on and would have probably done so already if we didn't have two awesome young kids. My W is not evil, I don't hate her or wish her ill will. I have truly forgiven her for going outside our marriage...she knows this. I am humble and I am not looking to even the score..I'm just trying to find out if she truly wants to be ROOMATES with no hope of a marriage again or something more. I guess the answer is time and patience.

If you ask her today, her answer will be no, she does not want that.

Does her answer define who you want to be ?

[DTM]

I understand it didn't break overnight and I should expect it to take time to potentially come back...my W states very familiar lines like ILYBINILWY, I don't know how to get the love back, don't know if I want it back, you'll go back to doing what caused this, the past is what got us here...etc. It's all been said before, I read it on the forum, it's loud and clear. I also believe I understand by me focusing on me she will see there is a signficant change. I changed my job..instead of working 80+ hrs a week and travelling I call one place home and work 14 days a month.....her response to that is "our marriage was built on you not being here and now you're here all the time..I don't know what to do with you!" - crazy....so I focus on the kids and spending time with them. She says this I think because she doesn't have her safety net of friends or her business...this is a new town....at least I hope that's some of her reason. I've made plenty of efforts to do things that were fun for everyone...beach trips, annual passes to disney world, day trips, camping, etc.

I'm with you on digging deep and understanding my faults that led to her seeking something outside the marriage.....I've done plenty of self reflecting...months of it in tears. I get what I did - wasn't around, slave to my job, not enough time with my kids and family, didn't prioritize my wife's needs, didn't spend quality time. I get it, I get it...and I understand it and accept it and I'm not proud of it. However I was a provider of everything I knew how to do and I did that very well...unfortunately not in all the right places. I also will never do it again because I understand it and I know it caused my W pain...didn't know it at the time but know it now.

Her answer of being roommates does not define me but it gives me hope that she hasn't left, walked out or filed for D...but how long can that last? If we get to being best friends again (like we haven't been for years) maybe that will lead to emotional connection. I will be happy, I will do the things that make me and my children happy...I do have a life, I just want to share my life with my W and hers with me.

[DTM]

We're meeting for dinner out tonight (with the kids..we don't do anything without them...her rules, which I know is an issue that we need to resolve one day)

I will show my happy, content self..no R talk..just smiles like I've won the lottery.

Not that going out to dinner is unusual..nor will going back to the same house be...it's just we won't be husband and wife. That's the part I need to FIX!

[DTM]

I should have said...I'm going to act "AS IF" I am incredibly happy to see her and "as if" I had the best day ever at work and "as if" we are already best friends without a "situation"...I just won't be touching or kissing her or doing any of the things I would really really love to do.

[DTM]

Well dinner was a success - all smiles and light conversation, no mention of R talk whatsoever. While at home we both pretty much stayed busy with our own thing, spending time with the kids, etc until bedtime. After tucking in the two kids I said goodnight to the W from a distance & then we passed in the hall...I noticed that she began to lean into giving me a hug (which I would've loved) but I didn't say or do anything..just smiled and told her to have a great night. I don't know what she may have thought about it, good or bad.
She probably stayed up until the wee hours of the morning doing whatever she does on her phone and the internet...and that's that. I believe that these past 4 days have gone very well for me...a lot of patience, no push to talk about anything, minimal texts, etc. I would bet she likes what she is seeing right now but know I have to keep it going a LOT longer. Sometimes we hang onto the smallest things....my 8 year old daughter told me earlier in the day (when she came home) that she and her brother missed me and then said "mom misses you too"...of course that could've just been my W being nice to the kids but it was good to hear and wish that it meant something.

Carrying on...I appreciate the support.

BTW - I broke off the interaction I had began the other day with a woman I met.(total of a few hours on the phone, some texts and a 4 hr "date".) It was too much guilt in my heart to go outside the marriage, even if it's a mess and my W says she doesn't care and "expects me too"...I think she does care and I appreciate the responses here to get me thinking straight again.

[NoMoreMistakes]

DTM, keep strong and focusing in on those changes you want to make. Its a long process and will not change over night. Sounds like a bit of good progress. Keep strong and stay patient.

[labug]

Finally, my reason for dating someone was to get out there and be happy. I can't be truly happy in a R with my W as roommates if I'm not getting any affection...

This is one of the most significant things you've said.
We all should be able to be truly happy outside of a R. Yes, being in a R can add another dimension to our lives but it shouldn't be required to be happy.

But your thoughts about happiness should give you some insight into what your W is doing. She was probably looking for someone to fill that same need in her.

If you're talking only about sex, that's another issue. Were you going to date to have sex?

My W doesn't currently work,

Really, she lays around all day and does nothing? How many kids do you have?

You talk a lot about "fixing" this. Cold hard fact.

You can't.

You can't because there is another thinking, feeling human being involved.

You can only fix you and your first order for business should be to slow down and just see where you are and who you want to be.

Like Mach said, you're early in this process.

[DTM]

The reason is not sex, it's the companionship and affection of a woman...I haven't had sex in months, I think I'm doing pretty great in that department. Going outside the M with another woman at this point in time, even as friends will probably do more harm than good...even if it's good for me or makes me happy...I'm good with it because I have a #1 priority and that is making me as attractive to my W as possible.

Regarding your comment on my W working, I perceived it as quite rude. I never took the liberty to explain what "work" my W does I only said she doesn't go out to work. She has been homeschooling our two kids for 8 yrs, she ran a successful business from our last home and is pursuing (although slowly and with me doing most of the leg work) getting it running again. Aside from that we share responsibilities quite equally.

I talk a lot about fixing it because I know exactly what I did. I've been to the rock bottom of having a broken heart. It's amazing what that feeling in your body helps you to see and learn about yourself. I get it, all of it and YES, I can fix it buy sticking to the principals I've learned through the DB books and others and by being open enough to say to the world that I made mistakes, recognize them, am not proud of them, and would love an opportunity to show you I don't want to make them again because I see what it causes.

Who I want to be is easy - the best husband and father I can, one that my W brags about and other wives are jealous of...I can do that, why? Because I want it for myself and my family deserves it.

[AnotherStander]

Her relationship with the OW is mostly emotional and I would say there was minimal physical contact. From what I understand and tend to believe it was/is hugging and kissing and the kissing has (she says) stopped and lasted about a month back in March.

Try not to expend too much energy figuring out how far it's gone, because it doesn't matter. An EA is just as damaging as a PA.

We had an exceptionally good sex life together until all of this happend.

As men we think sex = fulfillment, but it's not the same for women. We can gripe and complain and show no love to our W all day and then go into the bedroom and turn it off long enough to have "good" sex, but all that other stuff we were doing ruins it for women. Which explains this:

The last time we did make love she stated (later on) that she "felt nothing" (emotionally)

Unfortunately after BD it's no longer appropriate to show all the other love that our W really wanted and needed because they don't want it anymore. But it's something to keep in mind for that time they (hopefully) start to change their mind.

I certainly had other issues..but

Boy I hate it when people stick "but" after a comment like that, because "but" negates everything that comes before it. Just own your mistakes in the M and don't ever put "but" after it.