Suckerpunch (the process)

[swoop]

See what you wrote above, about how hard it would be for YOU to get past the damage done, which is clearly implying SHE did that damage.

I get what you're saying, 25. I damaged her as well during our marriage, of course I did. However, the things I noted above are things that affect ME. It would be very, very hard for ME to get past them.

I say, "Go ahead and own it ALL" b/c she will never know, and you won't waste time on thinking about her or measuring and you might even stay working on you.

I like that. I will try to look at my situation more so in that way.

PLEASE stop bringing OM (she dated too soon? Too easily? She found someone "too fast" that it MUST mean your m was lousy....that's ALL self inflicted stuff YOU do to yourself)

And stop telling us/the world, that "she left the M." She was UNhappy

When you say you just don't know why she left, I find that hard to believe.

The reason why I am so upset for the most part, (because I will admit that I was also hurt for the reason you mentioned), is because she introduced daughter into the relationship right away. I hate the thought of seeing Daughter going through the same sort of thing she is dealing with now, the loss of home, the loss of friends, family connections, etc. Statistically, this is something that will more than likely happen. Wife bounced from a 12 year relationship, feet first into the next one. Let's be honest, it probably won't last. Even though wife frequently climbs on her podium and proclaims that she is putting daughter as her number one priority, I feel she is being careless and selfish. She is not taking daughters best interests to mind, regardless of how she paints it. I feel it is not a good model for daughter to see Mommy OR Daddy jumping from one relationship to the next. My concerns are for daughter, not so much myself.

When you say, I shouldn't say wife left the marriage, who should I say did?

The reason I say I don't know why she left, is because I honestly don't. I do understand she was not happy, and that things needed to change. But, I still don't get it. Where was the commitment? Where was the love? It was just shortly before BD, she wrote me a letter saying she loved me. Where was the conviction to try to save our marriage? I have a hard time understanding that. As an example, I wouldn't understand a person jumping off a ship simply because it was off course, either. That would be baffling to me. I struggle with her decision to leave in light of all of the consequences, without really trying to work on the problems at hand. Granted, I can't see into he heart or her head, but I myself, as well as ALLLL of the people around us, believe she just quit without ever even trying. That is what I don't understand.

Even so, you also state that you were a good provider (What is a "good provider"? I often wonder....does it mean anything more than being employed with a roof over your head? I'm asking.

In your case, I assume you mean your family provided well...b/c you & SHE were never going to own that home, and you said you had nothing to split with her, Or at least you say that here, whenever she wants some.
Otherwise you say that there is a retirement account you are "willing" to share with her (like it's not the required thing to do).

I provided a nice home. I built it with my own hands, from foundation to roof and did every bit of upkeep and repair. I worked, (and continue to work for daughter and myself), to keep our home beautiful. I took care of the yard, I took care of our cars. I would help Wife with her childcare business, almost daily. I would do a fair amount of the shopping, cleaning, and I would even take the childcare kids on my lunch break to give wife a chance to relax. I stayed home to take care of our daughter while wife vacationed with friends. I took care of all of wifes concerns that I could. If she said, I want ________, I would do whatever I could to buy it, build it or help her in any way I knew how. I provided her with a nice life regardless of my families monetary contributions, which also provided us with things that a lot of people only dream of having. I provided a lot.

she left b/c she was unhappy for a long time and did not expect things to improve. So this seemed like the only way out for her. "TO better suit her needs" is an odd way to put it but it's the same thing.

When you claim not to know why or believe that she had a good enough reason to leave

do you ever wonder if you missed something?

Maybe you are not the listener you believed you were.

Didn't you begin to make the changes only after she dropped the bomb, And Not after her many pleadings before.

I did wonder if I missed something. I wondered about that a lot. I realize fully and completely that my listening skills are poor. I did however, try to work on making changes to things that wife disliked. I actually did make improvement on some of the things she wanted to change, and she noted those improvements prior to BD. I didn't REALLY start to make changes until she dropped the bomb on me. I will be honest, I had no idea that our marriage was on the brink of disaster. I had no idea how serious our issues really were. Call me naïve or stupid, I just didn't realize that it could end so abruptly. BD, was a major wakeup call for me. I hate that it came too late to save the marriage.

So PERHAPS that means your assessment of your husbandly qualities to her, is not fully accurate. I'm betting she tried to tell you and wanted you to change but you did not...

she did tell me, yelled at me, wrote me emails. I did the same. We both pounded our chests and stomped our feet. We wanted changes from each other, for us both to be happy. I think those changes were very doable, we just chose not to make them for some unknown reason. Well, that's not true. I know why. We didn't try to make the changes because we wanted the other person to make the changes FIRST. Pretty sad when I really break it down like that. We are in the process of divorce, because we were stubborn. I think that really has a lot to do with it.

Just stay on YOU and YOUR personal growth responsibility and please stop saying she "left the M" and took you away from your d,

b/c in this note, you admit that is not so.

when you find yourself owning two or four things that were dysfunctional in the m, figure out how YOU will behave differently in your next r, and stop thinking about HER role.

There is NO value in that. And yet there is danger in it. Plus you do often sound bitter.

Stay with the pain without changing it into anger. It simply worsens things for all...your family mostly but also your friends and collegues...

I am very tired now, so Ciao!

Thank you, 25. I am trying to do this, and I am going to try harder.