Hi Pud and Preggo. I am doing really well. H has been away on a business trip the past couple days and it has really put things into perspective. When H is around, we see each other constantly due to the kids and things seem normal like they did before the BD. It is hard to determine where things stand. Since H left on the trip, he has not contacted me or asked to talk to the kids. It has been helpful for me to see that H is really gone and may never come back to me.

During my last coaching session, my coach said that I was about to move into the next phase. I am not sure what it looks like (need to set up my next session), but I think that I am there. I have gotten my emotions under control and have done a bunch of 180s and GAL.

I know that I need to focus on detaching. I finally realize that I need to let him go and let our old M go. It ended a long time ago and I cant keep holding onto a broken marriage and a husband that I have lost respect for due to the A.

I need to protect my heart because H is incapable and unwilling to do so. Despite everything that H has done, I will love him until the day that I die. But I really need to put that love in a little box and close it tight. It will be there if we are ever able to find our way back to each other. I cant keep loving him as a husband and best friend and get nothing in return.

So now the hard part is trying to figure out how to let go...how to let go of my best friend, my husband, and someone I built a life with for 15 years. I KNOW that I am strong enough to do this.

I feel like this realization is a big first step. For the past couple of months, I have been clinging onto every positive word or action and clinging onto the idea of our family and marriage. I am definitely not giving up and going to continue to DB but I dont want to live like that anymore.

I am slowly coming to terms with my new reality. I have actually surprised myself! Work is going well. The kids are doing great and I am spending more quality time with them. I am enjoying alone time which I have not done for years. I am spending quality time with my friends. H has done a complete 180 in terms of the kids and helping to relieve some of my stress and workload. For two years, he did nothing but work. A couple of weeks ago everything changed. He spends quality time with the kids and helps out a ton around the house.

If only we both could have realized this two years ago before we headed down this crappy path. I know that I cannot continue to grow until I start letting go of H. If anyone has any recommendations on detaching (especially when you have to see H everyday), I would love to hear them.