1. I signed up for the 5k Turkey Trot run in our neighborhood on Thanksgiving. I have wanted to start this tradition for years but never did because H always played football with his guy friends. Even though the rest of the day is up in the air (and I am dreading having to make plans so I am putting if off for as long as possible), the kids and I will be enjoying the run. We will start a new tradition. I figured it will be a big accomplishment to finish since i have not run a 5k since college and I only ran it to get extra credit in a class. I will be on an adrenaline high which should get me through the rest of the day. Plus I can eat as much as I want without feeling guilty after running.
2. I changed my Facebook settings so that H's posts no longer show on my news feed. After H went to a convention in September that OW also attended, OW started liking and commenting on his posts. She had never done it before (and we have known her and her family for ten years now). It is clear something has changed with them. It is something silly but this is one of the first things I have done to cut our connection a little. H does not know, but I do and I am OK with it. I was spending way too much time checking to see if she would comment, etc. I need to focus my time and energy on something else. Baby steps towards a new future ...whatever it may hold.
What a great and healthy tradition to start for your kids! I'm signing up for our turkey trot too.
I despise FB. I think it only feeds people's insecurities. That and people can really take a lot of liberty with what they post. Ick. Good for you for blocking it out. It will only make you crazy to read what people are doing with whom and what. You give them the control if you allow their stupidity to creep into your mind.
You sound much better today 3!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Well said, pud!!! Facebook is also getting in my nerves and I need a sabbatical from it. It's way too damaging, especially in times like these we are going through.
Hi Pud and Preggo. I am doing really well. H has been away on a business trip the past couple days and it has really put things into perspective. When H is around, we see each other constantly due to the kids and things seem normal like they did before the BD. It is hard to determine where things stand. Since H left on the trip, he has not contacted me or asked to talk to the kids. It has been helpful for me to see that H is really gone and may never come back to me.
During my last coaching session, my coach said that I was about to move into the next phase. I am not sure what it looks like (need to set up my next session), but I think that I am there. I have gotten my emotions under control and have done a bunch of 180s and GAL.
I know that I need to focus on detaching. I finally realize that I need to let him go and let our old M go. It ended a long time ago and I cant keep holding onto a broken marriage and a husband that I have lost respect for due to the A.
I need to protect my heart because H is incapable and unwilling to do so. Despite everything that H has done, I will love him until the day that I die. But I really need to put that love in a little box and close it tight. It will be there if we are ever able to find our way back to each other. I cant keep loving him as a husband and best friend and get nothing in return.
So now the hard part is trying to figure out how to let go...how to let go of my best friend, my husband, and someone I built a life with for 15 years. I KNOW that I am strong enough to do this.
I feel like this realization is a big first step. For the past couple of months, I have been clinging onto every positive word or action and clinging onto the idea of our family and marriage. I am definitely not giving up and going to continue to DB but I dont want to live like that anymore.
I am slowly coming to terms with my new reality. I have actually surprised myself! Work is going well. The kids are doing great and I am spending more quality time with them. I am enjoying alone time which I have not done for years. I am spending quality time with my friends. H has done a complete 180 in terms of the kids and helping to relieve some of my stress and workload. For two years, he did nothing but work. A couple of weeks ago everything changed. He spends quality time with the kids and helps out a ton around the house.
If only we both could have realized this two years ago before we headed down this crappy path. I know that I cannot continue to grow until I start letting go of H. If anyone has any recommendations on detaching (especially when you have to see H everyday), I would love to hear them.
I really wish that I could go a month without seeing H. I feel so much stronger when I don't see him. The minute he walked back in the door after his business trip, my heart melted and all I wanted to do was hug him. Of course I restrained myself and went about like business as usual. But man, I totally love him and miss him. He has worked so hard on improving his interactions and relationship with the kids. I find myself thinking "will it ever be my turn." I know that the answer is that I may never get a turn.
The good thing is that I was able to process these feelings without spinning out of control like I would have done a few weeks ago. I just need to keep focusing on the baby steps. Another week of positive interactions even if it was just as co-parents.
I made sure to have a jam packed weekend with lots of fun activities. Hopefully it will be a nice start to another positive week.
If anyone has any recommendations on detaching (especially when you have to see H everyday), I would love to hear them.
I still sleep in the same bed as my WAW, so I see her quite often. While I haven't fully detatched yet, I do find it helpful to post my mistakes here. The people here are so awesome with their advice, and I think I handle situations much better the second time around. Ok, sometimes it takes 3 or 4 times.
M-44 W-45 S21,S18,SS16,SD13,S5,D4 M-9y BD- May 2013 Piecing- Dec 2013
Thanks Pud and Woody! I am trying to take it one day at a time and learn from my mistakes.
I went to the mall tonight with my mom. We always used to go shopping together before I was married and had kids. It was nice to spend time with her.
H always has the kids alone on Friday nights. He called on his way from work and asked if I wanted to join them or if he should just bring in dinner for everyone. Since I already made plans, I told him my plans and did not cancel like I would have been tempted to do in the past. I will admit that it was nice that he asked.
H stayed until the kids went to bed. I usually walk H to straight to the door so I can lock up for the night. We normally chat about logistics with the kids quickly and then say goodnight. He is usually out the door and standing by his car while I talk from inside the house. Same thing happened tonight but as I was about to close the door he asked how my night was and if I found anything for myself at the mall. We chatted for a minute or two which was nice. I said goodnight and shut the door. He was still standing close to the door and it felt like he was lingering more than usual.
I am hopeful that my positive attitude the past few weeks is helping H not want to run for the hills (as H put it a few months ago when I was a sobbing mess).
I was invited out last night with a few girls who are seperated from their husbands. They were dressing up for Halloween and heading out to dance. I decided to go at the last minute. I did not wear my rings for the first time (felt so weird).
I did not drink and just had fun dancing with the girls. It was nice to hear that guys think that I am attractive though I nicely turned down their request s to dance and just hung out with the girls. I had a fun night and was so proud of myself for having the courage to do something that I normally would not gave done.
Yet I wound up sobbing the entire way home. My H had always begged me to do stuff like this ... to get dressed up and head out for a few hours. I always said no. Why? Why couldn't I have said yes? I would have had a great time with H and maybe out M wouldn't be over. I was just so mad at myself for being so stubborn all these years. A good lesson I needed to leave in my journey towards self improvement.
I also learned that I am not interested in other guys at all. It made me miss H even more. I know I will not be heading to bars ever in search of a new husband.
H asked if I was going out and I told him I was. His tone immediately changed and he asked who I was going with. I could tell that I bothered him which I guess is somewhat night since he previously felt nothing at all about me. It is funny to see his reaction given what he has gone the past year. I did not really want to tell him (but did not want to lie when he asked me directly) because he was also going out and I did not want him to do something with another girl out of jealousy. But it was good for him too see that I am Gal.
