Suckerpunch (the process)

[25yearsmlc]

See what you wrote above, about how hard it would be for YOU to get past the damage done, which is clearly implying SHE did that damage.

At first, you began that post filled with insights, but you have an INTERNAL scorecard, evidently, b/c

every time you begin to own "more than half" of the demise of the marriage,

you whip out your blame game again!

I say, "Go ahead and own it ALL" b/c she will never know, and you won't waste time on thinking about her or measuring and you might even stay working on you.

Hopeful, W didn't have an affair and leave. We split up nearly a year ago. She did not meet or start a relationship with OM until we had been apart for around 6 months. Her decision to leave our marriage was based purely on her own unhappiness. The "affair" she is technically having now, is simply her moving on to the next relationship. It wasn't a contributing factor in our breakup.

ALL TRUE^^.

Why better reason is there to leave a marriage, than wanting to be happy?

To punish? To "find yourself"? To want more money? I don't see that at all. I think her reasons, however badly founded in your eyes, are pretty valid. Of course it does not matter what I believe. But at leat you realize it's true.


Which means, PLEASE stop bringing OM (she dated too soon? Too easily? She found someone "too fast" that it MUST mean your m was lousy....that's ALL self inflicted stuff YOU do to yourself)

And stop telling us/the world, that "she left the M." She was UNhappy....


When you say you just don't know why she left, I find that hard to believe.

Even so, you also state that you were a good provider (What is a "good provider"? I often wonder....does it mean anything more than being employed with a roof over your head? I'm asking.

In your case, I assume you mean your family provided well...b/c you & SHE were never going to own that home, and you said you had nothing to split with her, Or at least you say that here, whenever she wants some.
Otherwise you say that there is a retirement account you are "willing" to share with her (like it's not the required thing to do)

Bottom line,
Be careful about your own revisions, b/c they sprout up fast.



I am not sure she is in a "fog". I thought that to be the case early on, but it seems now that she is simply changing her life to better suit her needs. I will probably never know for sure what she thinks or how she feels about all of this, probably wouldn't understand it if I did.

she left b/c she was unhappy for a long time and did not expect things to improve. So this seemed like the only way out for her. "TO better suit her needs" is an odd way to put it but it's the same thing.

When you claim not to know why or believe that she had a good enough reason to leave

do you ever wonder if you missed something?

Maybe you are not the listener you believed you were.

Didn't you begin to make the changes only after she dropped the bomb, And Not after her many pleadings before.

So PERHAPS that means your assessment of your husbandly qualities to her, is not fully accurate. I'm betting she tried to tell you and wanted you to change but you did not...

SO, now,

Just stay on YOU and YOUR personal growth responsibility and please stop saying she "left the M" and took you away from your d,

b/c in this note, you admit that is not so.

when you find yourself owning two or four things that were dysfunctional in the m, figure out how YOU will behave differently in your next r, and stop thinking about HER role.

There is NO value in that. And yet there is danger in it. Plus you do often sound bitter.

Stay with the pain without changing it into anger. It simply worsens things for all...your family mostly but also your friends and collegues...

I am very tired now, so Ciao!