Surviving Separation

[Confluences]

Just hang in there. For whatever reason my W is avoiding me about coming over here and I'm waiting for a text message asking me if I could take some of her stuff over to her friend's house for her to pick-up.

Quote of the Day: "As we sail through life, don't avoid rough waters, sail on because calm waters won't make a skillful sailor."

I thought it was appropriate.

[lostinpgh]

That is a great quote, confluences! I must keep repeating that to myself day in and day out.

I've been separated from my H since early Aug this year. Its so weird not seeing him even once when for the past 10 years of our marriage, I've seen him just about every single day aside from a few short trips here and there.

[slow_it_down]

I suppose today was a major backslide for me. I say 'suppose' because I don't regret it. At least not yet.

I've been sick for the past few weeks but this week it escalated to a full blown sinus infection which is kicking my butt. I'm very limited in terms of what meds I can take because of the baby. If ever there was a week I needed my H to pitch in this was it. Do u think he could be troubled to help, heck no.

Needless to say I backslid quite a bit on the phone when he called to say he was stuck in traffic on his way over. He sounded like he hoped I'd tell him he didn't have to come so I told him to come tomorrow instead. I also let him have it about being so unprepared financially for this and that it's going to be a problem if he's only going to pitch in for an hour or two per week.

I wouldn't be surprised if this one phone call singlehandedly ended his desire to work things out, but honestly if he can't be there when I need him I'm just not sure what I'm fighting for. He continues to find time and money for other things, just not for me, and now not for our S.

Ugh so frustrated.

[slow_it_down]

Just continuing to journal a bit.

H came over today since last night didn't work out. Kudus to him because we have a ton of flooding and he could have used it as an excuse not to come again.

I reminded myself that he was here not to see me, and not because he wanted my company, but because I made him feel guilty about not pitching in enough with our newborn. So while he was here I focused on chores like cleaning the bathroom, laundry, etc and left him alone most of the time he was here. At dinner I even picked up a book and read at the island instead of sitting alone at the table like I typically end up doing. He tends to not eat here for whatever reason and its amazing how lonely it can feel to eat alone when someone else is in the same house. The book was probably a bit rude since he's sort of a guest here, but I enjoyed having something to do while eating.

Toward the end of his visit I hopped on my computer and finished up some things for work and thanked him for coming to help, saying he was free to go at any time. I didn't go and join him on the couch or 'hang out' with him at all like I normally would. I also mentioned I could start dropping S off at his place for short times so he's not always having to do all the driving. I made sure to say 'drop off' rather than saying 'we can come visit' so he knew that I meant I'd leave S with him not that I was looking to spend time with him.

I wasn't cold or pushy and I didn't say anything about our R or the status of things. However, I want him to see that I'm not staying in this limbo and just waiting for the inevitable conversation where he says he cares about us but just doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I can feel a wall going up around my own feelings and wanting to just accept that I'm a single mom again rather than spending time thinking of how to work this out. Really he needs to take a few steps forward if he wants to work this out - the ball is really back in his court because I'm sick of bouncing it against a wall

Once again, as has happened in the past, as I start to feel myself letting go he starts showing signs of pulling closer. I had to pull teeth to get him over today but then he seemed very quick to want to plan time together again tomorrow after this odd night between us. I told him I was busy Sunday and he seemed very interested to hear what we would be up to. He already mentioned a bunch of things he had going on this weekend and said earlier this week he couldn't afford to come over much. Interesting that now he wants to come two days in a row.

Seems like we are always like ships passing in the night... one sailing out, one sailing in, never sailing in the same direction at the same time.

[slow_it_down]

Finally, a day were everything seemed to go my way. Today, after a very tough week of being sick and feeling like nothing was working out, the clouds finally parted and I got to enjoy a nice day all around.

Last night I was racking my brain for something fun to do for today. Taking a 6 week old anywhere is tough but I found the perfect thing! I found an old mansion tour and apple festival with live music. I emailed my H to tell him we were going and to let me know if he wanted to tag along. He didn't hesitate to agree to join us. I suppose our conversation from earlier this week wasn't as big of a set back as I thought it was.

The tour was awesome and my son slept like an angel through the whole thing. The weather was perfect and the mansion was right along a river so it was fun to listen to live music with a great view.

More than anything I think the change of scenery did us some good. Also it feels good to have some new memories to replace some of the old painful ones.

Lastly I'm thankful God could see I needed a day like today to give me renewed energy. Feeling a little more hopeful after today.

[Confluences]

Been busy with work. W came over last Thursday to get some items while I was away at Poker Night. She stayed long enough to do laundry and grabbed a few cold weather items but left a lot more than I thought she'd leave here.

I don't know if it's a sign that there's still a chance by leaving her items in the house but they're here. Anyway, a lot of photos of us were gone with 2 left up but definitely like the last time she was here.

We exchanged some pleasant e-mails the next day and went dark again. Is what it is right now. I guess the main takeaway was remembering that the road to reconciliation is paved with words of kindness.

Glad you were able to enjoy some time with your H away from home. What are of the country do you reside? NC is perfect this time of year but I know West Coast tends to not have a Fall season.

Getting out of the home environment is key and you always develop a comfort zone when your out in public.

Keep me posted!

[slow_it_down]

Well here I am making final preparations to go back to work after maternity leave. Its bittersweet - one part sad (I'm going to miss getting to hold my little guy all day) - one part excited to finally interact with other people on a regular basis again. Staying home for 8 weeks has been really wonderful and really really LONELY since I don't have a spouse to talk to at night. Its certainly been hard to GAL or even to talk on the phone to friends with the constant needs of a newborn and being a single parent of 3 kids.

My H drops by for a few hours about 3 times per week right now to help out. I have to give him credit for surprising me in positive ways in the past 2 months. There have been times where I've really blown it from a DB perspective (R talks, being critical, etc) and yet he's hung in there and keeps coming back when I thought he would have given up and headed for the hills.

I still don't feel like we are in a relationship, but he's doing all of the things I've asked of him such as pitching in with our S, helping me get things done here, etc. I've tested the waters with a little bit of light physical contact - like rubbing his arm or back and didn't really get a response good or bad so I'm suspending that until he moves closer. I also have to keep telling myself that while I'm frustrated he isn't here more often and isn't meeting some of my needs, he is doing many many other things that I want to see from him.

Plus, I still have a long road ahead of me in rebuilding trust in him. He wasn't cheating per say with OW but I have no idea if they still talk or get together these days and so every time he leaves early, texts, etc my mind immediately makes the assumption that he's still involved with her.

At any rate - to wrap this up, I just wanted to get out an update that things remain in limbo. He's not moving closer but he's hanging in there.

[Confluences]

Hey Slow~

Eight weeks goes by really fast!

I wish you were in a more positive predicament but I think your only option right now is just a high degree of patience if you want to keep up the possibility of things working out.

I'm dealing with patience frustration weekly. Just not much contact and having to finalize some things on my end. It. Is. HARD!

Knowing that the holidays are coming up very soon is the next hurdle to overcome with all the emotions of sadness and loneliness, etc.

Do not take it for granted that you are having regular interactions with each other and that the hostility is at a minimum. I think you have to keep reminding yourself that if you want it to work, there will be lulls and down periods.

I'm having to solely focus on myself and that gets hard because you put pressure due to time constraints of the separation period and trying to get things finalized on some stuff.

Keep the faith...keep a positive attitude, you're doing good.

[slow_it_down]

Confluences, have you considered giving her a few bread crumbs since no contact doesn't seem to be working?

Maybe send a text or email about something random that could spark a conversation? Or say you have an extra ticket for something like a hockey game and see if she'd be interested. Like "hey, I know you are pretty busy these days but Im doing xyz and I have an extra ticket. Let me know if you are interested." Short sweet and it can sound like you are going either way (so no pressure on her like its a date).

[Confluences]

I don't think she'd go for anything like that right now. I've been more focused on getting a positive mindset for surviving the holidays. I just don't see it happening right now unless she makes the first move, not me. I'm not saying it's impossible and maybe the holidays will change things but I'm just not counting on it right now. She's got to be around her family without me there for the first time in 10 years and that's going to be a reality check for her as well, which is maybe a good thing for her to experience by herself as well.

That sounds pretty bleak but it's more about me being realistic of the reality of the next 2 months and how they are going to be a challenge. It may change but my instincts right now simply don't think that's the case.