Preggo, I can't imagine the stress you're going through right now, it's got to be tough! I wouldn't make any big decisions or try to force your H into a big decision until you get through the birth of s0 (s0, I don't think I've ever seen that used here before, LOL!) Raging hormones, incredible discomfort, stress, it all adds up to a bad time to add separation into the mix. Just hang in there and focus on bringing s0 into the world, try not to think too much about your sitch, take a break from it! Good luck, you can do this!
I have a question: how do you validate when you want to ring your spouse's neck for what they are saying?????
I feel like H is from another planet, a planet where everything that is common sense, makes no sense to him.
- He thinks his PREGNANT WIFE WHO IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH is being controlling and unreasonable to ask that he cut contact with the other woman.
- when talking about our issues, he says things were horrible because:
A) I was too sick during the pregnancy of S1 and that turned him off because so and so's wife ran marathons while pregnant. Huh?
B) when S1 was born, his crying in the middle of the night left him too stressed
C) the fact that I had to exclusively pump (I extracted milk from my breasts up to 12 times a day for a year -- which is a 30 minute process, plus cleaning the bottles, plus feeding the baby -- because he didn't take the breast) made H tired of having to help in the evenings and weekends.
D) during the only vacation we took, S1 was very fussy because we skipped naps and he thought that was very stressful
E) he got annoyed when I called to see what time he'd be home from work because he felt it was controlling. Meanwhile, I couldn't start dinner until he got home so he could help with the baby, so I just didn't want to starve until then. When I decided to not call anymore and just put together some frozen food, he complained the meal was not more elaborate and home made.
F) when he befriended OW, he didn't tell me about this new friendship because he knew I'd have a problem with it, since I'm so unreasonable.
G) after cooking for an hour or so, and pumping all day and taking care of S1 all day, I liked to sit down and relax. H said that the dishes on the sink made him resent me.
H) while he was deployed and I was pregnant and very very sick, and taking care of S1 by myself, so I vented to him. He said my complaining about throwing up, feeling tired and having to chase after a toddler turned him of.
All his allegations of the problems we had make no sense. I have such a hard time validating his point of view when it is so selfish!! When I explain my side, he says I just don't listen.
Btw, this morning I told H I still expected him to look for a place to live, if he wasn't in this 100%. He called me controlling. I said, how could I be controlling if I was setting him free to fulfill exactly what he wanted? I said I just needed to have some boundaries for my mental health and the well being of the kids. He then said he wants us to continue with MC and that I should be patient with him. I said my patience is running thin.
This is when he got home and we went straight to talking, with him making allegations that I was throwing him out.
For the first time ever since this drama started, I told him I'm not sure about what I feel for him either, and I'm not sure if I will ever feel passion and closeness for him again.
OMG! He really is on planet "everything is all about me".
Not that this will be of any real help, but I'll tell you a story in the hope of giving you some hope of future change.
My xh told me that my migraines (I had about 1 every 3-4 months, not every day or week) and my inability to give him my attention because I was caring for my terminally ill mother and our autistic son drove him into the arms of ow.
Now, I will admit that I didn't pay enough attention to our R because I was so preoccupied with our son and my mother. But, an understanding H would have talked to me about it instead of just running off to another woman's bed and walking out on us after I found out about it all on Christmas day. (Yeah, Christmas is now my least favorite holiday when I used to love it)
That was almost 7 years ago. He didn't tell me any of this until long after he came back. After we had been divorced a year and a half and the ow kicked him to the curb. Then, for the next couple of years, if I got sick or was in any pain he didn't hear one word about it. One night, I got super sick and couldn't hide it. I started crying because I was freaking out that this would drive him right back out the door. He asked if I was crying because I was in serious pain and I shook my head. He was confused and because I was so sick and couldn't keep the walls up I blurted out that I was crying because I was scared he would get upset with me for being sick and walk out again.
He was completely stunned. He didn't understand how I could think that so I calmly repeated his words to me about how my headaches and various other illnesses had been a major reason he left me for ow. His mouth literally dropped open. He had no recollection at all of ever saying that. He said that was totally irrational. Why would any man leave a woman because she was sick? That is some twisted thinking.
I didn't say anything. I let him take in what he was saying. He then got really upset. Not with me, but with himself because he knew that I would never have come up with that story on my own so it had to be true.
You see, they do sometimes come to their senses but it takes months, if not years, for them to realize what they have said and done while in the fog of the 'love drug' they are getting from ow.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mishka, thank you for telling me that story. Where is your stitch, btw?
I hope H goes back to being the H I know. Everything he is doing is SO out of character.
I've been reading on MLC (I'm almost positive that is the case here, because he changed so abruptly) and I read that at the time of the bomb is really the center of the whole MLC crisis, because it started months, if not years, before. Knowing when it started, one can predict when it will end.
My thing is, he started to get detached in Afghanistan, around May and dropped the bomb in August. He claims, however, that he had been unhappy for years. I wonder when the MLC really started?
Yup. Unhappy for years, doesn't feel love for you anymore, is turned off by this or that (ridiculous things that would not normally lead to a man being turned off....ever!), blah blah blah. It's the same song and dance. I was convinced my xh was having MLC, it may have been - who knows. All I know is that he has snapped out of it finally and we are back together. It's going to be a LONG road still but maybe someday we will get there.
My sitch now is in Surviving the big D titled 'working more on me'. Of course, it's all about what's happening now but I'm sure my posts are somewhere in the archives from the early days.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Preggonomore - I too can relate to your story. The items you outlined that he complained about and that turned him off to you are just his excuses in his mind. They do believe what they are saying is fact. You can't argue with them. They will make it all about someone else, never taking blame until they are in the end of the cycle. Don't take any of that personal. Trust me, it's not YOU. Don't take on unearned guilt. This is NOT about you at all. Took me a while to realize that, but when I did, that's when I could get a clear picture in my head that this isn't about anything I did wrong.
Just ordered Men in Midlife Crisis to get a better grip on what to expect. One day he misses me, the next he's asking when I'm going to start D. I just keep biding my time and trying to stick to my guns. VERY HARD. I am GALing and detaching. Although I've backslid a few times, I quickly recover and keep trudging through. This is the WORST thing I've ever been through.
About wondering when it really started, if you go back, sift through the layers, you will probably recognize when the changes started. Sometimes they are subtle sometimes abrupt. But you will definitely see when it changed.
Good Luck and keep your chin up.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
- He thinks his PREGNANT WIFE WHO IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH is being controlling and unreasonable to ask that he cut contact with the other woman.
You're applying pressure. You can't push him to cut contact until he expresses interest in reconciling, otherwise it's a boundary you can't enforce except through threatening D.
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All his allegations of the problems we had make no sense.
They absolutely make sense. I'm a father of three and I can sympathize with many of the items on his list. Fathers rarely get the sympathy we deserve. Everyone focuses on the mother and everything she is going through and treat the father like we are just baggage along for the ride. Well we are right there losing sleep and dealing with massive life changes too, AND we have to constantly validate our new-mom wives while getting little to no validation from them in return.
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I have such a hard time validating his point of view when it is so selfish!! When I explain my side, he says I just don't listen.
I think he's right. Even here you are expressing disdain for his complaints, in fact you just called him "selfish" for it. He's expressing very real issues, but your attitude is he needs to suck it up because you're going through a lot worse. I'm not trying to downplay what you are going through because it is a LOT to go through for sure. I'm just trying to help you see that your H's feelings are very REAL to him and they are very VALID. Instead of calling him selfish you should try and understand his point of view and VALIDATE his feelings/ emotions. That is the only chance your M has, because if you keep dismissing his feelings like this then he will feel he has no choice but to find someone who will "understand" his feelings.
Remember, as the LBS you have to do ALL the work for now if you want to save your M. Is it fair? No, but none of us here have a choice in the matter, it's either we do all the work or we just walk away and call it quits on the M.
