Hoping to still move forward, huge setback

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CBT,

I didn't have any remorse after my A, either. Yes, I felt horrible about hurting my H but I didn't regret the A or have remorse. It wasn't until H and I reached the place we are in now that I truly felt remorse. Now it pains me to think that when we look back over our M, that will always be there and that I will be the one who did it. It makes me sad very sad and truly remorseful, however, it took a long time to get to that place. Right now, you and W are working through things and while she is all in, I know the feeling she had of "this is hopeless, why am I doing this". It is so easy for one interaction (large or small) to make you feel that way (for you too, I'm sure) after how far astray your M went.

I hope you aren't too hard on yourself for blowing up that night. It is completely understandable and you have done a great job so far. The important thing is that you were able to talk about it calmly the next day and move forward together.

As for how she felt that night, and seeing OM, and if she should have said something, etc. I have been in the same place. I didn't say anything because he didn't stir any emotions in me anymore so it wasn't a big deal to me. In fact, I saw him one night and when he asked how I was I said "Really happy" and I just hugged him. The hug had nothing to do with him, if that makes sense. However, H was coming to get me and happened to come right then. He wouldn't believe it didn't mean anything. My point is just that for one person, something may not have any meaning (OM) but for the other, that same thing has huge meaning. Now that you have talked about it, she is clear on what she needs to do if she runs into him again so that you feel safe and that you can trust her.

Like I told MC, "Im so tired of OM being in our marriage"
MC replied, "he is not in y'alls marriage. This is between you and W. And the quicker you get that the quicker it will get better"

Hallelujah! OM was in our M for a long time but that was only because of the power my H gave to him. He had long since lost all importance to me but he lived with us for 4-5 years. You can let him go now.