At this point, I'm not worrying about anything until we talk Sunday or whenever and she still feels exactly the same way she did this past Monday or better. If that's the case, there will be a secondary conversation.
IF that secondary conversation happens, I'll probably rely heavily on all of your combined wisdom. I read back through my posts, and good Lord, do I need help!
If someone comes and says, "I want to try, and maybe we can date, etc" but they won't dismiss divorce, is that fair/reasonable? W did say we could put in a 90-day stay which basically means the divorce does nothing for 3 months.
I'm trying to decide if I should stand for full commitment, or take what you get. Is it greedy to require full commitment?
First thing you should do is validate her fears. Tell her that you're afraid too and that what she's doing is incredibly brave. Tell her that you are willing to take that leap of faith as she is willing to and tell her that with the dating, you need to do some sort of C and she will have to arrange it. Retrouvaille or the DB intensive would be a good start.
Don't mention the D or you can tell her that you're willing to give it a shot if SHE will postpone the D. She has to take initiative.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Heck my W moved back home and our case was still open for about 2-3 months before we were able to close it, but I was not worried as I knew what was really in both of our hearts and knew the sitch was in the Piecing phase.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
If someone comes and says, "I want to try, and maybe we can date, etc" but they won't dismiss divorce, is that fair/reasonable? W did say we could put in a 90-day stay which basically means the divorce does nothing for 3 months.
I'm trying to decide if I should stand for full commitment, or take what you get. Is it greedy to require full commitment?
My W said we needed to build a foundation, to become friends and date. In my mind I thought, date? friends? Hell that is stupid, we are married and that is what I want from you, to say I am coming back and love you and blah, blah, blah.
The thing is, she was right. We needed to start over and relearn each other. Build a foundation on friendship and date to learn who we are now.
So my advice is except it with open arms and NO expectations.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I remember a few months back expressing frustration with my situation right after my w suggested having drinks with me. Even though many on here would love the opportunity to have a "date" with their WAS, I felt my situation was just a roller coaster; the cycle was repeating itself and not really improving. I was being impatient. Others expressed annoyance with me for not being happy with what I had.
I have been following your situation since you came back to the boards and I get your frustration. But your w has said the words to you that many of us hope and dream our WAS will say to us. You have the opportunity to make it work. Listen to the vets on here and give it your best shot. We're all rooting for you
Stick with the people here and if things backslide a bit, we'll all be here to support you.
One of the things that I have realized during my journey is that I could find somebody new quite easily; on the surface I am a great catch. But I am on my second marriage already and I would likely be back a third time if I don't figure out me. I realize that I am a long ways away from that. If I was able to go to counseling with a willing w, and with the help of a counselor, see myself through my w's eyes that would be an amazing gift, even if things don't work out. If your w is willing to go to counseling, then you will get that amazing gift.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
If someone comes and says, "I want to try, and maybe we can date, etc" but they won't dismiss divorce, is that fair/reasonable? W did say we could put in a 90-day stay which basically means the divorce does nothing for 3 months.
I'm trying to decide if I should stand for full commitment, or take what you get. Is it greedy to require full commitment?
Jon, if you would take a look around the Piecing forums, it is not all a linear process. That is probably where you get stuck. As Bond can probably attest here, there will be many, many fits and starts in the piecing process which is why I suggested that you guys go to a Gottman-based MC therapist trained in these techniques to ensure a better chance at a successful R.
Thanks guys, my gut said not get hung up on a piece of paper.
W sent me a YouTube music video about an hour ago: "Woke up and wished that I was dead With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed I thought of you and where you'd gone and let the world spin madly on..."
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day And head back to the milky way And tell me, did Venus blow your mind Was it everything you wanted to find And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
If someone comes and says, "I want to try, and maybe we can date, etc" but they won't dismiss divorce, is that fair/reasonable? W did say we could put in a 90-day stay which basically means the divorce does nothing for 3 months.
I'm trying to decide if I should stand for full commitment, or take what you get. Is it greedy to require full commitment?
In my opinion, I think it would be exciting to "date" again! You can divorce your old unworking marriage and start a fresh new relationship.
I'm sure she is just as scared as you are about the whole thing.
If it were me though, I'd give it a go with the dating and re-learning about each other.
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
