Building a lasting marriage 1

[jp787]

Hmmm, what do you think is going on with you, J?

Could be that you are really anxious about this big step. Could be that you built it up in your head and it wasnt what you thought.

What are your thoughts? Why did you withdraw?

Hi UR.
I think it was a lot of things or is a lot of things. It’s been nine months that it has been just me and the girls and I hate giving that up, maybe that sounds weird, but I think it makes sense.

I do feel anxiety about having expectations, but those are expectations that I placed in my head, no one else.

I think I fear confrontation so much that I am seeing this as confrontation, that she is home and watching me, that I have to act a certain way, do things and act in a way that I am supposed to, be the new me all the time, not let my guard down <<< If that doesn’t say I changed for her…wow! Still need to make it for me, so I want it just because I want it.

Well weekend went fair. I really backed off and withdrew. I have a lot of "working on my sh1t" to do. I am so confused as to what is going on with me.

Yes, you do. Think about how your W felt when you did this. She is taking a chance on you just as much as you are on her; she made the decision to move back home based on how you have been acting and then she moves in and you withdraw right away. This is unfair to her. Sometimes you have to 'man up' in a situation; look at what is going on and decide right then and there "Is what I am doing fair? Is it good for our M? Does W deserve this treatment?" You can't always allow yourself to hide behind the fact that you have work to do, sometimes you just have to decide in the moment that you are being a d*@k and change your behavior on the spot!

I agree. I am still very selfish in how I worry about how I feel, how it affects me. It’s time to put someone else first for once. I think this will be the hardest change for me to make.

Jp, from what I have read, I think you need to take a long, hard look as to the reason(s) why you felt you withdrew over the weekend. Is it too much pressure? Are the expectations too great? Are you worried, or trying to protect yourself from getting hurt?

Hopefully you are able to open yourself up again in order to communicate with your W. Perhaps you could even tell her something like, "sorry I was a little off on the weekend, but I feel better now, lets go do something fun".


-cp

I am afraid and need to decide if I am ready or not. If I am then I need put everything in the past in the past bucket and walk away from it.

jp,

Remember that your instinct may tell you to self-sabotage. Be cognizant of this so you can combat it with the knowledge of the truth of your end goal...focusing on the bigger picture and applying what you've learned along your journey.

I'm proud of you and very happy that you're in this forum now.

-PM

Thanks for stopping by, it’s quiet over here!

Ugn my self-sabotaging… Yeah, that is something that I defiantly do and need to stop. I think if I could reformat myself and start from scratch it would be easier than fixing all my faults, but here I am, so…

Thanks for the support.