My apologies for this being so long. But I need to provide the details around different events that have gotten my wife and myself to the place where we are at. Back in July 2011, my wife and I were having some communication issues and some intimacy issues. Making love was pretty much non-existent (about 5 times/year; The last time we made love was Oct 2011). In terms of communication, we still talked and laughed, but we no longer confided in one another in terms of our hopes, dreams, fears, etc..We talked about, and both agreed to go to counseling. However, we never made it. On July 17th 2011, my stepdaughter's (wife's daughter) husband left her. My wife and I put our relationship on hold to tend to her. She was devastated and we helped her to put the pieces back together. Right after that, my wife's father became sick. He was 88 at the time and had aortic valve replacement surgery. He was never the same after the surgery. As a result, my wife's mother (age 87) decided she no longer wanted to live. From Oct 2011-Feb 2013, my wife, her sister, and myself took care of their parents as they needed 24 hour care. Her mom passed in Aug 2012 and her dad passed in Feb 2013. It was a very trying time for all involved. In Sept 2012, I had been emailed by my ex fiance from 20 years ago. We emailed several times and it became more consistent as time passed. After my father-in-law passed away, I became more involved with her in terms of spending time and seeing her. I had an affair that started in March 2013. In May 2013, my wife found out that I was seeing her (I lied about being intimate with her). My wife said I needed to stop seeing her and we needed to get to counseling. I agreed, and in June we started counseling. However, approx 2 weeks after we started counseling, I began to communicate and see the OW again. I continued to go to counseling with my wife, but lied about seeing the OW. On July 27th 2013, I told my wife the truth about still seeing the OW and that I did have an affair. I asked for her forgivness (and have continued to do so). I entered counseling of my own and continue with this as well. My wife and I had some dialogue and she eventually asked me to move out. I moved out on Aug 7th. At that time, my wife said she still loved me and needed time and space. I did not want to move out, but I did. On Sept 7th, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. That she would never be able to trust me again and she needed to move on without me. She also said she no longer loved me. I did the begging and pleading, but to no avail. As days passed, she did not bring up the divorce. I felt hopeful, but scared to bring it up myself. On Oct 19th, she told me she had retained an atty and was in the process of completing the paperwork to file for divorce. That she had not changed her mind. That she would always care for me, but she did not love me. She told me she was the victim in this and that it was my fault (and I agreed with her). I asked if she would consider counseling with me again...that I would remain moved out while we went, but she said no. Not sure what to do now. Through my own therpay I have realized the pain I have caused. I have broke her heart. I had my own issues to work through from the pain I had from seeing her mom & dad pass (I loved them like they were my own parents). I realize there is no excuse for the affair and I have done nothing to deflect blame from me and I have done nothing to place blame on her. I own my choices and the hurt it has caused her and our families. We have been married 16 years and together 18 years. My wife is 12 years older than me. She in her mid 50's and I'm in my early 40's. I love my wife and my prayer is to reconcile. But I'm not sure what to do at this point. It feels helpless...like all I can do is sit back and wait for her to file.
