I don't look at W anymore and think she is all my future can be.
Hallelujah!
I actually LOL'd.
Thanks,
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I text W yesterday two days after her calling me a loser and "shame on you".
Me: Can I Skype the kids tonight? W: Why didn't you contact your son on his birthday? Me: Can I Skype them or not? W: Answer the question and I'll give you my answer
-----I was very tempted to reply with "I'm not going to jump through your hoops W"------
5 hours later... Me: Can I skype the kids please?
5 hours later... W: You can keep everything. I just want a quick divorce.
It did have me thinking on and off yesterday whether I should answer her question or not (about contacting S1). If I did, I don't think any answer I could give her she would find acceptable. Plus it lets her think she can control me. What are peoples thoughts on this? Do I cave sometimes because it's for the kids or do I stand to show that hopefully this behaviour is a waste of her time?
Funny, as I'm writing this at 8 in the morning I got another text from W. A link to a music video, Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y35RAS7kht8
I'm not sure what she is trying to say, whether the whole song applies or just certain parts. Who the hell knows?. I like the song though!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
IMO, she's trying to put you back into that old role where you were playing "Mother May I?" She not only wants to control your life, she wants you to give her an account for your actions! As usual, she is using the children as her leverage. Yes, she wants you jumping through her hoops of fire.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It did have me thinking on and off yesterday whether I should answer her question or not (about contacting S1).
What I think you should have done is answered it the first time she asked. Now it's escalated into a contest to see who can hold out the longest, and if you answer you've given her the win, LOL!
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If I did, I don't think any answer I could give her she would find acceptable.
You're right, but at least she wouldn't keep holding it over your head.
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Plus it lets her think she can control me.
It's like MWD says in DR, spouses ALL control each other. It's more a question of beneficial versus damaging control. The point being, don't avoid answering her questions because you see it as her controlling you, because she does control you through certain actions regardless (just like you control her).
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Do I cave sometimes because it's for the kids or do I stand to show that hopefully this behaviour is a waste of her time?
She sounds VERY stubborn, I don't think holding out is going to show her anything. It'll just make her more angry towards you.
What are peoples thoughts on this? Do I cave sometimes because it's for the kids or do I stand to show that hopefully this behaviour is a waste of her time?
I think you should have politely and firmly told her what you were thinking. "I have absolutely no intention of jumping through any sort of manipulative hoops to be able speak to my own children, and using the children to coerce from me information I am under no obligation to share with you is completely inappropriate. If you have an issue with me, then takeissuewithme. But at no point in time should you ever put the children in the middle of us, using them as pawns to be played in the game of whatever disagreement we are having. Are we clear?"
I don't know how that lines up with your DB strategy, but that's what I would have been inclined to say.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Good feedback from Sandi and PM! I do like PM's suggestion a lot, I have a feeling your W would react very negatively towards it at first but may respect you for it later. It's a good boundary to establish.
I agree with what PM wrote, being firm but fair, and offering ZERO flex on crap like that.
Here's a story: several years ago, I jumped through hoops for awhile with XW1 with my kids while she was slobbering over OM1 - giving her whatever she wanted.
There came a time where my parents and I were taking S11 (who was S6 at the time) to a basketball game, and W said she wanted to bring OM. I said, "No. We are married, and that would not only be disrespectful to me, but to the kids as well. I have offered a quick dissolution, and you refused, so if you bring OM1, we will leave." I was very calm, and hung up.
She came and brought OM1, and I pulled S11 out of the game, and walked out. I remember literally shaking - believing I had ruined any chance at reclaiming a relationship with her, etc, etc.
She called and ranted and raved and screamed and talked about how she was taking every dime I had, and she was going to get full custody of the kids, and I was a blankety-blank blank. This went on for like a week. Then she called all sugary wanting to keep the kids an extra day to have a New Year's Eve party with OM1. I said, "No, I'm sorry, we have plans". She repeated the previous rant for about another week.
After that, our dynamic COMPLETELY shifted. I was calm, collected and in control. Every time after that, she was careful to tell me her plans on why she wanted to have the kids, and always offered a day in exchange.
Just another perspective of what sounds like a similar situation.
P.S. by "in control", I mean I felt no compulsion to bow to XW1's wishes just to make her happy. I actually did flex with her some after that, but she tried REALLY hard to accommodate me.
IMO, she's trying to put you back into that old role where you were playing "Mother May I?" She not only wants to control your life, she wants you to give her an account for your actions! As usual, she is using the children as her leverage. Yes, she wants you jumping through her hoops of fire.
Hoops of fire!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
It did have me thinking on and off yesterday whether I should answer her question or not (about contacting S1).
What I think you should have done is answered it the first time she asked. Now it's escalated into a contest to see who can hold out the longest, and if you answer you've given her the win, LOL!
Quote:
If I did, I don't think any answer I could give her she would find acceptable.
You're right, but at least she wouldn't keep holding it over your head.
Quote:
Plus it lets her think she can control me.
It's like MWD says in DR, spouses ALL control each other. It's more a question of beneficial versus damaging control. The point being, don't avoid answering her questions because you see it as her controlling you, because she does control you through certain actions regardless (just like you control her).
Quote:
Do I cave sometimes because it's for the kids or do I stand to show that hopefully this behaviour is a waste of her time?
She sounds VERY stubborn, I don't think holding out is going to show her anything. It'll just make her more angry towards you.
I like that part about ALL spouses control each other to a certain degree, so true.
She is very stubborn.
I honestly believe she would have till held anything I said in answer to her question over my head.
Part of me would rather ride it out get where I hopefully want it to be. I don't want to be playihg these games for years to come. She definiatly was still controlling me to a certain extent although I don't think it felt like she was in control to her.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
