I will remain faithful to my vows until one of us dies or she enters into a covenant relationship with another man.
I have been enabling her by supporting her emotionally, even after D. I had convinced myself that I was doing it out of love, but really I was facilitating her dependency on me. Love means I allow her to live with the consequences of her actions, which includes losing that level of a relationship with me now that we are D. I realize that if I do not provide the emotional support she wants, that she may look elsewhere for it, and that includes the potential that she'll seek out another man. So as much as I want to be that support, it is not me loving her best. I will support her as I would any close friend - nothing more. The one way street - the "used-ship" - has to stop.
So I am afraid that she'll seek emotional support elsewhere, that she'll find another man to lean on. I'm also afraid that once I sever the dependency tie to me, that she'll struggle, but then eventually realize she's better off. OH WELL. Loving her is doing what is best for her. Love is a will to execute selflessly for the the benefit of others. So if I am acting out of fear and ultimately selfishness, I am not truly loving her. And if I am going to tell myself something, it's: SUCK IT UP, LOLLIPOP! I need to take my own advice and do what's right, no matter what. If a life with less me is ultimately better for her, then loving her is helping her get there.
I believe it will cause her pain to not have me there to support her, and that will cause me pain. Maybe she will be angry with me. Maybe she will hate me. Oh well...suck it up, lollipop.
I feel like she's reaching out to me so often that it's difficult for me to come to terms with going through with this (the reaching out from her always makes me feel like she is close to turning the corner, to tearing down that wall she has erected between us), but we've been doing this dance for so very long and there's no/very little progress being made.
I don't think it's a matter of patience anymore, it's a matter of her not progressing or getting any better, and if she won't do anything to improve her situation, then I will do my part and make sure I am loving her well - something I failed to do for so long while we were married.
I will do what is right, which is to be a great father and a reliable friend, someone who (unknowing to her) is standing firm in his convictions to remain faithful to the covenant he made 13 years ago. I think that's a good display of patience.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
). 