Becoming Patient Man III - Moving Forward

[PatientMan]

I think it's really odd you actually finalized your divorce without telling the kids.

It finalized pretty quickly (less than a day) after being in limbo for a really long time.

When we talked to kids, I simply said, "W has decided to proceed with divorce, and it'll probably be finalized in 6 months or so. Here's what's going to happen, etc, we love you very much."

I wasn't like "W is a witch, and is too selfish to see past her own nastiness".

That's the angle I think is best, but I'm not sure we'll assign blame on who pushed for the D. I don't want to lie and say we agreed to it, though... that it was mutual. I don't think that's beneficial, especially at their ages.

-PM

[Feenix]

PM, I have been so wrapped up in my own drama, and you wisely always know exactly that to say on my thread, that I hadn't realized how complicated and painful your own sitch was.

Just wanted you to know that I appreciate you taking the time out of your own sitch to come give me a 2X4 when I need it.

Thank you!

[PatientMan]

You are welcome. I am glad that you find my advice helpful. It makes me feel good that I've affected someone positively.

I have been through a lot, grown a lot, persevered. I am doing so much better than before, but I'm human and I have my moments.

We're all in very similar situations, sometimes at different points along the time line of healing. Helping each other, giving back, supporting each other are such valuable assets to this MB. I have received so much help here that I am happy to, and hope I can, help anybody I can.

-PM

[PatientMan]

Still struggling with my emotions since my last visit here on the forum. I realize that I have had a lot of stressors lately, I just didn't think it would affect me this way as I thought I was past all of these feelings. Maybe posting a little bit will help by getting "things" out.

XW and I are set to tell the kids on Friday evening. We set the time and day last night when I again had to be the one to bring up the fact that we need to tell them. She suggested that we let them get through the week, tell them, and allow them the weekend to digest it. I agreed and believe that is a sound plan.

I told XW last night before I left that I didn't want to place any blame on anyone in the talk, but that I am not going to lie to the girls and say that "we decided to get divorced" or that "mom and dad agreed it was best to divorce" or anything like that because the fact is that she is the one who pursued and followed through with the divorce, not me. I told her that I don't mean for her to play the martyr, just that the details and specifics weren't appropriate and we need to word it in a way that will be truthfully appropriate.

I didn't say this to her, but it's really difficult to be a man and a father who doesn't sleep under the same roof as his children, ensuring their safety, maintaining discipline, all the things that come instinctively to the typical male. I'm sure any man reading this who has lived through it understands and it's just one of those things that the opposite sex just doesn't fully grasp (and there are countless examples that go either way - I do not mean it in a sexist way), but getting the boot out of the house has been one of the worst things to experience for reasons I never would have imagined without actually going through it.

Increasingly, as I have seen the girls - which is mostly at XW's house - I have had this feeling that I am/we are lying to them about allowing them to have hope and/or expectations with regards to the relationship their parents have. The older ones don't talk about it much, but I can see that they're hurting and they want their dad to come home. The little one is too young to stop asking for what she wants, so she still asks me to stay the night and "when am I coming home?" Those questions...the ones my littlest one asks and the ones my older ones ask only with their eyes...those are the body blows that really accumulate over time and wear me down.

There's the old adage that "men are dogs," but men - at least me - ARE like them in a lot of ways, though the idiom isn't meant in the context I am thieving it for: loyal, quiet, loving, situationally aware, always on guard, ready to defend the family to the death, likes to walk around the house naked, etc...so yeah, I'm a dog. And I'm proud of it.

It's at this point I realize I've gone off on some weird tangent (I am a dog who has been separated from and can no longer serve his family) and you're probably regretting reading this far. I'll try and be more brief with the rest of my updates:

• The anger from two Fridays ago hasn't totally subsided. I'm not walking around ticked off all the time - yelling at street signs and throwing rocks at random objects - but something is inside of me, bothering me, and I may be worn down enough to totally let it go and be done with it.
• This past Friday night I was at XW & kids' house and went to leave for the evening. The kids were upstairs, and XW walked me to the door and asked for a hug. I obliged. In a matter of seconds she was weeping into my chest. She apologized (for the gajillionth time) and simply said, "I don't like it when you leave." Something I learned here was to welcome your WAS' emotions, but be guarded with your own. I very rarely ever let the guard down, but if I deem it appropriate I may let it down enough to say something. I let it down a little this time and told her, "I don't like to leave either. This is where my family lives. This is where I feel I should be, but this isn't my home anymore, so I have to go."
• Two Saturday nights ago I got hit on by a very attractive woman. I was at a sports bar/restaurant I frequent to eat and watch ball games (just to get out), and it was later in the evening. I presumed what was going on and had to turn down her several requests to go to the next bar with her and her friends (one of which was a casual/new friend of mine that I met at that same pub). He confirmed to me later that she was interested (I didn't think it was a big secret as she was pretty forward), but I'm not there yet. The attention from a very attractive woman was nice. I haven't experienced that in a while.
• XW asked me to help fix her laptop. I spent too much time messing with it before I felt the 2x4 of sandi2's word "used-ship" (in lieu of "friendship") smack me in the brain, which prompted me to say she should just take it in to a specialist.
• Saw my T this past Saturday. A long time ago she mentioned that it sounded like XW (W at the time) wanted all of the benefits of a marriage, without any of the obligations. The memory of her telling me that - maybe a year ago or so - popped into my head while we were sitting there talking about how my last couple of weeks have been hard and hit me out of nowhere, and I told her that I thought she was dead-on-right way back then. I told her I didn't think that XW was intentionally using me or "playing" me, just that she (the T) was correct and I was likely still too accommodating. She made a very astute observation that relates to the "welcome her emotions, be guarded with your own" strategy I learned here and have utilized. She said using that strategy could exacerbate the issue I have now. She noted that XW gets to unload her emotional baggage, vent about her day, etc. and doesn't have to spend any energy listening to me because I'm not talking. I had never thought of it that way before.

Thanks for reading my post!

-PM

[planet]

I understand perfectly what you are going through and the emotions that comes with it.

Except for the 'walk around the house naked' bit.

[PatientMan]

My parents usually visit from out of state for Thanksgiving and her dad usually visits from out of state for Christmas - this has been the M.O. for the last ~5 years and it's worked out well.

My parents would like to come the following month (Dec) to see me graduate, and they have expressed an aversion to traveling twice within about a month's time. (I'm not sure what the deal with that is...they're retired and aren't around any family, but that isn't really on topic.) Regardless, I hadn't thought about taking the girls anywhere away from home for any of the upcoming holidays.

This past Friday afternoon XW called me from the bathtub (this was the before later in the evening when she cried and said she didn't like it when I left). I hadn't asked, but she said she would be fine with me taking the kids to my parents out of state for Thanksgiving if that made it easier for my parents to see the kids. She acknowledged last year when she didn't really want me to take them to my parents instead of them coming here, something I thought might be helpful because the atmosphere was expected to be weird with my parents around since W & I were separated at the time. I'm sure W felt uneasy with my parents there, knowing most of our sitch and wondering what they thought of her.

I really don't want to go anywhere because my schedule is just too hectic, so though I had no plans of taking the girls out of state for the holiday, I thought it was a nice gesture on her part. I wasn't expecting it, so I just said "thank you" and said I would consider it.

-PM

[PatientMan]

I understand perfectly what you are going through and the emotions that comes with it.

Except for the 'walk around the house naked' bit.

Thanks, planet. I put that kind of stuff in there just to see if anyone is actually reading.

-PM

[PatientMan]

I thought I had come up with a nice definition of patience,

Patience isn't the absence of action, it is the discipline of preparing and calmly waiting until the time is right to act.

but this guy said it better. On PATIENCE:

...patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

Impatience, on the other hand, is a symptom of selfishness. It is a trait of the self-absorbed. It arises from the all-too-prevalent condition called “center of the universe” syndrome, which leads people to believe that the world revolves around them and that all others are just supporting cast in the grand theater of mortality in which only they have the starring role.

I'm sure the first paragraph has been posted here by someone else before, because I had it in my notes.

Endure well!

-PM

[Feenix]

First of all, this comment below killed me. So very sad from a man's perspective! I hope you gain some strength in this area so that it becomes less painful to you. You have handled all of this with so much honor. Your kids will see that someday.

Increasingly, as I have seen the girls - which is mostly at XW's house - I have had this feeling that I am/we are lying to them about allowing them to have hope and/or expectations with regards to the relationship their parents have. The older ones don't talk about it much, but I can see that they're hurting and they want their dad to come home. The little one is too young to stop asking for what she wants, so she still asks me to stay the night and "when am I coming home?" Those questions...the ones my littlest one asks and the ones my older ones ask only with their eyes...those are the body blows that really accumulate over time and wear me down.

Also, I LOVED the patience definitions that you shared.

"active waiting...exercising faith...even when the desires of our hearts are delayed....and enduring well."

Hang in there. In the short time I've known you, you've shown yourself to be a good man. I wish you all the best as you move forward!

[PatientMan]

I think I have it figured out (for now ).

• I will remain faithful to my vows until one of us dies or she enters into a covenant relationship with another man.
• I have been enabling her by supporting her emotionally, even after D. I had convinced myself that I was doing it out of love, but really I was facilitating her dependency on me. Love means I allow her to live with the consequences of her actions, which includes losing that level of a relationship with me now that we are D. I realize that if I do not provide the emotional support she wants, that she may look elsewhere for it, and that includes the potential that she'll seek out another man. So as much as I want to be that support, it is not me loving her best. I will support her as I would any close friend - nothing more. The one way street - the "used-ship" - has to stop.
• So I am afraid that she'll seek emotional support elsewhere, that she'll find another man to lean on. I'm also afraid that once I sever the dependency tie to me, that she'll struggle, but then eventually realize she's better off. OH WELL. Loving her is doing what is best for her. Love is a will to execute selflessly for the the benefit of others. So if I am acting out of fear and ultimately selfishness, I am not truly loving her. And if I am going to tell myself something, it's: SUCK IT UP, LOLLIPOP! I need to take my own advice and do what's right, no matter what. If a life with less me is ultimately better for her, then loving her is helping her get there.
• I believe it will cause her pain to not have me there to support her, and that will cause me pain. Maybe she will be angry with me. Maybe she will hate me. Oh well...suck it up, lollipop.

I feel like she's reaching out to me so often that it's difficult for me to come to terms with going through with this (the reaching out from her always makes me feel like she is close to turning the corner, to tearing down that wall she has erected between us), but we've been doing this dance for so very long and there's no/very little progress being made.

I don't think it's a matter of patience anymore, it's a matter of her not progressing or getting any better, and if she won't do anything to improve her situation, then I will do my part and make sure I am loving her well - something I failed to do for so long while we were married.

I will do what is right, which is to be a great father and a reliable friend, someone who (unknowing to her) is standing firm in his convictions to remain faithful to the covenant he made 13 years ago. I think that's a good display of patience.

-PM