The Big Chill

[Pudmuddle]

My new thread.


Old thread

Thank you job, Bright and wbw for your support. I still feel good about the events of last night. And to hear from all of you that I handled it ok, makes me feel even better. I'm trying hard to be a better person in the midst of heated moments.

job, I didn't know that thread would take on a life of it's own. LOL Your name is now removed. Thanks for your fabulous insights.

[Pudmuddle]

I awoke this morning and said goodbye to my S. I got my coffee when H was in the shower, then retreated to my room and locked the door.

I turned on my kindle with my fave music playlist and turned it up loud.

My H came upstairs, apparently to get the trash as it is trash day. He knocked quietly a couple of times. I didn't respond. Then he said quietly "<myname>?". I still didn't answer. He was outside for a few more minutes before I heard the creak of the floorboards as he walked away.

Regardless of the events, my PMA is good this morning. No crying, no feeling upset. I still feel at peace this morning, so I know for sure it was the right thing for me to do at the time.

Stay calm, strong and carry on in the PMA castle!

Love you all for supporting me.

[job]

You are doing great. Sometimes we have to clear the air in order to move forward. You did it in a very calm and even tone and that goes a long way w/the mlcer.

No worries about your last thread title. We all give advice on the forum and I do not want to be singled out for such things.

Enjoy your day and continue being the wonderful lady that you are.

[LoisB]

Pud.

I'm glad you feel peaceful this morning. Good!!

The way I see it, our action or inaction with DB is about protecting ourselves from more hurt than is necessary from the insane MLC-er.

MLC reminds me of the Tazmanian Devil on Bugs Bunny. He whirls around and makes all these messes and we can either stand in his path or step outta the way. Fighting a whirling hurricane is pointless, we will only get blown away. We can say or do anything but only if we do/say it with the understanding that it may not make a hill of beans difference to a gale force wind.

Sometimes, it feels like I could stand on my head naked in the middle of public square with a sign reading "My husband is insane" and it wouldn't impact the outcome of this situation one bit. Except he would have more ammo for calling me insane or whatever. Which would then cause ME more grief. I could look like a young Sophia Loren and breathe sex appeal and he would probably still b!tch that I didn't earn enough money. I could be the CEO of a Fortune 500 and I wouldn't be sexy enough.

If, however, I can tolerate what he dishes out without allowing it to slow me down on my own journey, then, so be it, dance naked in public square!!

My point is... If his behavior is stopping you up in your journey, then it's time for him to go. If you have reached your limit, then, that's it.

We have to protect ourselves in the best way we know how. If you feel peaceful, then you must have made a good decision for your heart.

It will be interesting to see what he does next. I think avoiding him until you are ready is awesome.

Have a fabulous day!!!

Heather

[JFun51]

Pud.

MLC reminds me of the Tazmanian Devil on Bugs Bunny. He whirls around and makes all these messes and we can either stand in his path or step outta the way. Fighting a whirling hurricane is pointless, we will only get blown away. We can say or do anything but only if we do/say it with the understanding that it may not make a hill of beans difference to a gale force wind.

Hilarious! This is the exact way I feel about W and her behaviors for the last 6 months. I am married to Taz! Thanks for the insight and the laugh this morning!

[Underdog]

Holy shite! I log in and see this whirlwind? Woman, I gave you my phone number so you can call me. Feel free to do that, okay?

I don't have D16 tonight. Want to go for a walk? I'll meet you.

Whew.

All in all, you handled a VERY difficult situation VERY well. I'm proud of you for validating and listening and not reacting or lashing out. That was extremely wise and will probably serve you well down the road. So you get an A on your report card for navigating a tough conversation with dignity and compassion. Go you!

Now, I know there are a few schools of thought on moving out. But when my XH moved out, that created the vacuum necessary to let the air out of the tires so to speak, and gave me the fortitude to really work on DBing. I didn't have to walk on eggshells anymore, I didn't have to hide what I was reading, and I sure as heck didn't have to worry about censoring every movement, facial expression or word in my house.

Then I worked on creating opportunities with every communication I had with him. Pud, it's not all for naught. I wish we learned these techniques when we were happier. We communicate really well now, and because of our disabled child, I'm going to be communicating with him for the rest of our lives. I don't regret that.

So don't give up. Sometimes they focus on getting what they want to the point of not seeing things clearly. Your H IS confused. When he moves out, that isn't going to change unless HE does something about it. He will either do it or he won't. But at least you won't have to wonder every night if he's going to ruin your day.

You can do this. So call or text me if you want to walk. I'll even hold your dog's leash if you want to cry.

Betsey

[Mach1]

thank you for the hugs. And I must be okay with it because I am not bawling my eyes out, my heart is not pounding out of my chest and I feel a HUGE sense of relief!

I am at peace. I agree, etc, now he has some big things to think about and needs to work it out now, with himself. By his lonesome. His little wee-ness. His alien leader.

Sometimes...things have to be said. DB or not...

From today forward though, you really need to just sit back and listen if he chooses to talk.

Validate HIS concerns, yet DO NOT try to fix this for him, in any way...

If he asks you about finances again, then tell him that you don't know what you have planned for yourself.

If he asks where you you see "you" down the road ? Only speak of YOUR plans, that do not include him. Let him feel you being "gone" from him. Let him feel you "not there".

If he has another woman ? Let HER be his emotional support for now...

GIVE HIM WHAT HE HAS ASKED FOR....

Plain and simple....


I am a firm believer in letting the MLCer "own" their own garbage. It does no good for the LBS to carry around things for them, and free them to carry on carefree from the reality of the situation.

The fine line that the MLCer walks is between their fantasy world, and their reality. And when those two collide for them, the power shifts, so be ready for that to happen.

He will appear sullen, and beaten around you for a while, until he re-energizes from his power source ( friends that support, OW , etc ). Just don't expect him to be down for too long. The recharge happens fairly quickly in MLC land.

You will see the mask of euphoria not too far down the road, recognize it for what it is. It is only a mask, that hides the real pain that he is in.

What happened last night, was that you reclaimed a lot of power that he was taking from you. If you choose to talk too much, or try to fix too much, you will turn back into the monster for him, and he will try to run and push away again.

Let him come to you, and let him linger as much as he chooses to.

You have given him his emotional baggage to carry around now, don't pick up that load again.

You have taken your power back from him, don't let him steal it again.

It doesn't make you superior in any way, it just makes you....you


Let this rest while you do for you now...

[cat04]

Pud,

I am going to say it again, Mach is right.

I can remember experiencing something similar to what you went through.

It is empowering, freeing, and sometimes, things really do just need to be said.

My X, didn't leave, and I won't be surprised if yours doesn't either right now, but you have changed the dynamic.

Someone told me once that I was pushing a wagon full of bricks. The problem with it was that they weren't mine to move and I should stop trying.

It was a powerful image.

And when I put the wagon down and left the bricks that weren't mine, my whole world started to change.

This is a good thing. Just remember to leave the bricks where you put them down.

[Ambivalent]

You're doing well, going dim is going to be tough.

Stay as busy as you can, keep a smile on your face, and listen as much as you can.

<3

[Whiterose]

If you're at peace with your decision it probably was the right one for you.

Great visual cat04!

Peace pud
WR