One way I found was to truly believe in 'You Will Be Alright Regardless Of Your W's Choices'.
It did help me to forgive myself over my actions and inaction pre BD. It wasn't a quick remedy but slowly you will feel it.
I hope this helps.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Well the oldest son now knows I am transferring back. Had a chat on the phone to him tonight. Told him I made the choice to be with him and his brother. Without going into too much detail with him, explained that it was a hard decision, but it was needed.
F, still reading the N.U.T.s book. Started the Psycho book also. Just haven't had a lot of reading time in the last few weeks. Also find I have just downloaded "love must be tough" and found I had "not just friends" and "no more mr nice guy".
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Pretty positive, better than I probably expected. Simply said I am coming home for him and his brother. Another thing I needed to do and is over with. I did explain I would have loved to tell him face to face, but didn't want to say it next weekend during his party. Anyway, it just felt right tonight. I don't feel any guilt from doing or saying this now. Woohoo.
Also sent the reply to the W just then. I know F, your view was to send nothing, but my heart still said to sent that small reply. Nothing more than that. I am feeling so much better now. Just looked at some websites with regards to stopping guilt during separation.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
HWA, stay strong brother! You're doing great Hopefully that was the first step in reestablishing a strong bond with your sons.
I don't think there was any harm in sending your W a brief response to her message, it was just you being cordial.
Quote:
Now when I get the reply from the W, agreeing to the splitting of assets, all I can feel is sadness because it looks like all I have done is thought about myself again. Even though, all I have really done is agreed to her terms.
Well your guilt and sadness is real, so those are feelings that you want to address. It's easy for us to look at your above statement and say "don't be silly HWA, your W set the terms and you just agreed to it." But you have some history of maybe being a little selfish when it came to that, so it's understandable to feel some guilt over it. I think your W just wants it over and done with and is probably trying to make it as palateable for you as possible so that you won't drag it out, so she probably has selfish reasons for accepting less than you think she should. I wouldn't offer her any more than she's asking for, just process your feelings and leave it as-is.
F, I will be contacting the youngest son tonight, he was working last night. I am glad you understand that I needed to send the reply email. I did simply send "W, I accept your offer, I am sorry it has come to this. hotwheels".
Thanks AnotherStander, I do feel a lot stronger now. Maybe it was simply the wall I had to break through, at my own pace and time. It was so much easier and guilt free talking to my son about coming home. And no I won't be offering her any more than what she wanted. It was the simple fact mostly that she didn't complain or fight the house valuation I got (from a third party company) compared to her original valuation from a real estate. There was quite a big difference. As you say, it was me accepting she does want this out of her face asap or as easy as possible. Her journey.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
One of these days F, I really am going to try and make my way over your side of the world to simply shake your hand and thank you. And have a beer or three.
HWA, that goes the other way around as well! You have been there all the way through for me and being able to look you in the eyes and thank you would be great. As with so much we don't know what the future might bring - I will hope for this to happen one day. Three beers might not cover it Know that there will always be a spare room ready here – just say the word. I have been thinking about this as well. I would love to go to Australia and have the full guided tour by a black cow Even looked up the pricing: Copenhagen-Melbourne is around 1500 USD – ouch!
It's anniversary today and since I don’t know how to word anything these days I will just say well done! I do hope the next year will bring you more happiness and a lot of joyful time with your sons and just for you.
Cows and sheep’s – beers and sunsets! (I need to get that painting done!!)
F
P.S. As many times before a few things.
Could you try to clarify the part about you being selfish in your M. I do not recall you using this term earlier on. I am aware that you have used the word a few times lately. Have I forgotten something or have you discovered new things about you?
Did you talk to your other son?
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Hopefully that was the first step in reestablishing a strong bond with your sons. 