Living on a roller coaster

[LoisB]

Just had a thought CC,

I noticed in my situation that H got something from doing things around the house. I think he saw/sees it as our getting on with life when I take care of things myself.

For instance, I got a new aerator for the pond last year. This was something I would NEVER have done pre-BD. I also purchased a lawn mower myself, one I shopped for and researched.

Anyway, I notice that, now that I haven't relied on him or asked him for help much at all...When I DO ask for help now, he is almost relieved and flattered. He really makes a point to get it done. He is back to anger now, so right now isn't the best example...but, it has been true in the past 12 months or so.

It's a weird dance. It's like it may ease his guilt right now to help around the house, but, at the same time, he asked for space. We certainly don't want to ease his guilt too much.

Sooooooo, maybe give him what he wants, take care of stuff, and the old adage "beware of what you wish for" comes into play.

It is something of a 180 when they show up and say, "Gotta get this done or that," and you reply, "Oh, I took care of that last month." KaBAM! And, the look on their faces is like, "Wha? You can function without me???"

Just my thoughts. Take what you like and leave the rest,

Heather

[CallaghanClown]

Ooooo I may try to do it alone tomorrow before he gets here. If I don't get the chance, at least he may help when he gets here.

He may pop back to anger though, I've moved all of his stuff out of my room and redecorated it. He won't be expecting that. But it was time for me to move on. The bonus was that it didn't make me feel sad at all and I feel excited about doing lots of stuff ive been waiting for him to do. I did one job today, in 2 minutes, that I've been waiting for him to do for 2.5 years.

[LoisB]

CC,

Remember he doesn't live there anymore. If he gets snarky, time to ask him to leave. It's your pad now and no one is allowed to verbally abuse you in your home.

I felt the same way when my H moved out. Within three months, I took care of a laundry list of stuff he had been avoiding for years.

We had this old king size mattress that was uncomfortable as he!!. I couldn't sleep in the "marriage bed" anyway, so I dumped it. I slept on a couch bed I received from my Grandmother until I could afford a mattress.

I actually rented a dumpster and just pitched stuff from all over the house. It was full when it was picked up.

Re-painted my bedroom. Replaced the front door. Painted the front hallway, painted my classroom for tutoring, ripped out old carpet. Cut down dead trees, bought a chicken coop, got some chickens... It was awesome.

Enjoy it. It's one of the perks of this trip through He!!.

Much Love,

Heather

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks Heather

I'm working on my boundaries. Having lived with a depressive for 5 years I often struggle. I'll get there.

[CallaghanClown]

Baby steps baby steps but he's just come to see the kids and said that he is thinking of quitting his work for a simpler life. Inside I was panicking because he earns the money, but said "you need to do what is right for you". I asked if he'd like to talk about it and if he was ok. He said he needs to get away from the negative influences. I said "what do you mean, is everything ok". And he said that he's sick of his partners negative influence on him, trying to tell him what they think he wants to hear and that they aren't helping and are just out to look out for themselves.

This confused me a bit but I just nodded and carried on listening. He then went on to say that it's better for them that he's single, then he can work 24/7 and not have any limitations. BINGO I bloody knew it!!!!!

I just repeated that I trusted him to make the right decisions for him, which he seemed happy with.

He did briefly go on to talk about how he would look for work near to where I live (he moved 1.5 hours away to where he worked). He didn't say anything about getting back together but did say that IF we were together he'd be better off financially working down here rather than up there.

Again I just listened.

This was all in my newly decorated bedroom. He wasn't angry at all and said it looked and smelled beautiful (I'd just sprayed his favourite perfume). I didn't invite him in, but he did come in and chat for 30 mins. He's gone off with the kids to play now. I wonder if he'll have anything interesting to say when he gets back tonight???

I need to now get excited and remember that he's still in a MLC. He not coming back and if he was there would be a hell of a lot of work to do before we could wave any victory flag.

Baby steps.

[CallaghanClown]

Not get excited

[CallaghanClown]

No further developments this evening. I must work on 'no expectations'. I wanted so much to grab him and tell him I loved him this evening....

I must let him get on with his journey and get on with mine.

[Whiterose]

You're doing a great job being strong CC

Very interesting conversation you had with your H Baby steps indeed.

Take care
WR

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks Whiterose.

I can't help but but feel like he's coming back to me, but I think it's because it's the first real flicker of hope I've had. Fingers crossed hes moving towards me.

Baby steps.

[CallaghanClown]

Back on the roller coaster. I really thought I was detaching. I didn't feel sad packing his stuff, I didn't feel sad finding birthday and Christmas cards declaring his love for me. I didn't feel sad that he wasn't here anymore. I know he needs to go away to fix himself.

But today discovering I am right and he doesn't wear his wedding ring, when he's not here, has really upset me.

I thought I had no expectations about it. I guess I was wrong.

I'm trying to rush this process because I just don't want it. But there is no quick fix. He's been gone 1 month and this is how it's going to be forever, unless he has an awakening. I need to ask as if he's never going to have an awakening. If he suddenly wakes from the fog, hopefully he's not damaged me so much that ill never be able to accept him back into my life.

I need to remember this isn't personal. It's his journey and I need to let him travel it alone. But boy is it hard. I'm at home holding the baby, while he's off having a jolly.....time to GAL more and not worry about what he's doing.