Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[melissag]

Hi all, I have been lurking for a bit, just now registered for an account.

Brief story: Married almost 11 years; together 13.5; friends 17. Two awesome, happy (for now) kids - boy 7 and girl 9.

Issues throughout our marriage turned into vicious circle - he said I was too critical and (once having kids) not enough intimacy. I felt insecure in the relationship and he would not give me reassurances since he was feeling badly about the way I treated him. I felt too vulnerable to give him what he wanted. You see how this goes. In retrospect, we just handled everything all wrong.

My history - parents married 47 years. HIs history - parents divorced at age 1 (Dad took off, rarely saw kids); Dad married a second time to a woman with a divorce under her belt. Started affair when wife #2 pregnant with kid #3; left wife and three kids, moved across the country when kid #3 was an infant. Third wife had already been divorced once as well. Divorce rampant in his family - he views it as a solution (part of the reason for my insecurity).

So, we struggled through these issues, but I think too wrapped up in our own problems to really hear and understand the other. Still have had a great time together, great kids, lots of family fun, our home is happy. A lot of complacency in the marriage - I tried to do small scale things to help but was not encouraged to do more because I felt they were unappreciated, and I felt too vulnerable to do more. He apparently thought he was doing things to help, though I am not sure what, which means that we were both way off base and just didn't get each other.

So long story short, on 9/27 H dropped the bomb, apparently having thought about it for some time, unbeknownst to me. Seemingly no emotion - no changing his mind. Spent 24 hours doing the exact wrong thing - begging, pleading, generally humiliating myself - only strengthened his resolve, and in fact he said some pretty mean things to me. ("It's time for me to be selfish." "I don't love you." "No, I will not give you another chance, you already got your last chance," etc. Ouch.)

Started doing 180s and he has softened quite a bit. We had have had two nights where we have been intimate. After first one, said he was freaking out - he loves me and cares about me and doesn't want to F things up further - I guess in reference to his desire to be best of friends so we can be great co-parents. Second time (just under a week ago), I told him not to freak out, I get it, I understand what he feels he needs to do, and I don't want him to be unhappy with me. Just before the second time we had a long talk (I did not ask him to work on the M, but we did talk about a few of the issues - basically he just feels that we are great friends but that when M we take each other for granted and just don't understand each other, and it will never work; and that he feels that he has lost himself somewhere and needs to stand on his own to work that out.)

He is still living at home. The kids have not been told. I keep trying to give him space but he chooses to spend most of his time outside of work with me and the kids. After the kids go to bed, he hangs out with me. Then, he goes and sleeps downstairs on the couch. (Sigh.) I have been dressing more nicely, he notices and compliments me. I make dinner (usually he does), he thanks me and compliments me. During our big talk, he told me he doesn't feel comfortable with touching b/c he feels he needs to stand on his own. (An hour later we were having sex.) I have been respecting that even though it kills me. It is almost comical the lengths he goes to to make sure that we don't touch each other. You'd think I have leprosy. Tonight he touched me voluntarily three times . . . so I guess that is a good sign? But, as with all other nights, after we have had a great time together, he makes sure to update me on his moving out plans. (RIght now, plans to move out in about 10 days - on our anniversary weekend. Ouch.)

Still doing 180s - haven't criticized him once in 3+ weeks - and honestly kicking myself because wow, it's so much easier not to be critical! Wish that I could have figured all this stuff out with time left to fix things.

Most of my friends/family and everyone else I talk to have good intentions but
tell me he's a jerk, move on, kick him out of the house, lawyer up, he's evil, etc. It hurts a lot and I really hate all the negativity. I find that when I try to just "accept it and get over it," that means i lie on the floor feeling depressed and hopeless. Doing the 180s and having a little hope makes me better able to handle getting through each day.

Talked to DB coach today, it was definitely helpful. Wish I could talk to her every day, as I have nobody for encouragement and I seriously need it all day long.

I don't think there is any stopping him moving out; I just pray that he comes around at some point . . . although once the kids are told, I may not be hoping anymore. I am really dreading that, and think I may be quite angry at that point.

I have seen therapists, lawyers, etc. Read up online and in books. And you know what I've decided? Divorce is just plain STUPID. It's so stupid that we are going to have to split up all the parenting stuff, and all of our things, and all of our finances, etc. It's stupid that we get along great, have a great time together and a happy little family, and he wants a D. It's obvious to me that our problems are totally solvable; but he doesn't see that at all. He feels they are completely unresolvable. He also somehow thinks that he has "done everything" to make this work . . . not sure how that can be true when he decided on his own to D and sticks to it even though I want to work on things. ???

Thanks for reading this far . . . I'm still trying to figure out how/where to post in the forums, but am looking forward to some DBing support and advice - it is tough stuff with little outside support.