Guess I belong here now...

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks shouldistillhope for checking in on me. I thought I was doing well with the contact but I think I need to back away some more.

I went over to xh's on Sat after work to see ss. I think it may have been two months since I've really seen him. He seemed happy to see me and gave me a big hug. He's always been a quiet, keep to himself kind of child, so I was so happy to get the attention.

Xh's best friend (and ss's godfather) is flying in next week and they've made plans for Halloween. As I was leaving I told ss to take lots of pics of himself in his costume if I didn't see him before.

Xh asked if I was going with them that night. I told him I didn't know that I was invited and said that I'd go if I was. He's getting ss early that week so they can go trick or treating. Since I won't have a weekend off til Jan, this is my best chance to spend some time with ss, so I'm going to take it.

Xh has asked me to come over to his apt and help him as he packs up. I challenge him on what he's keeping since he tends to be pretty sentimental about stuff. He says that he's more productive when I'm there. I can usually get my school work done there and occasionally help him out with stuff.

Sunday night xh asked to see if I could come over and I said it was too late. He wanted to know when I could come over and I asked what the hurry was. He reiterated that he gets more done when I'm over there.

I told him I'd get in touch after my lunch date on Mon (with a friend) and see what he was up to. As I was leaving the restaurant I see a missed call and a text from him asking to call him asap.

I was worried that something happened to his family, but know that he usually over reacts. Come to find out, he couldn't find the screws to one of the desks he's selling on Craig's list. Why on earth I'd have any idea where that is in his apt I have no clue.

I ended up going over, helped him sort some stuff, and then went to the mall to get masks for next week. At the shop I found out that he's going to a drinking party this weekend. It shouldn't bother me, but it does because I'm never invited to the "fun" stuff and one of the reasons he left was because I never wanted to do anything.

Anyway, I realized today that, although I do like spending time with xh, there will never be any possibility of getting back together as a couple if I don't more fully remove myself from his life. He needs to truly miss having me in his life before he'll realize what he's letting go. And if we're not meant to be, I need to be more open to finding someone else. And spending time with my xh isn't going to help.

I did tell xh today that although I did hope we could be friends, I'm not ready to see him happy with someone else right now and that I'd need to figure out what to do, but I'd do that after Halloween, because I want to spend time with ss.

It's weird because he acts flirty, showed me today that he still has his wedding ring, and doesn't want to hear about me dating or anything. And I think that gave me hope that maybe he did want to try. But just because I'm still standing for a reconciliation doesn't mean I need to stand right next to him.

And did I mention that I have a ton of school work due in the next few days and just don't feel like doing it? I'm so ready for spring again!