Second MLC?? Is that possible?

[Pudmuddle]

I am doing okay. Although I would like to save the marriage, telling him to move on seems to have helped me get to a stage of being able to accept that he may just do that. I am also doing a better job of remaining calm and not jumping at any little sign that he may be taking peeks out of the fog. In some respects I am glad he is half a world away. Although I think about all this a lot, I am not in the eye of the storm and am grateful that there isn't daily drama here at home.

I admire you for being able to do this. I wonder if I will ever be able to trust my H again too. I've realized now that when someone you love is seriously messed up and you've offered your all to help them and they don't want it - there is nothing more you can do, but let them go. Show unconditional love by letting them go to help themselves. Thank you 2t2m for your guiding strength.

[2Times2Many]

Well, he found out I moved our funds to a different bank account and went ballistic. He sent a nasty email telling me he was coming home to close his bank accounts, move his personal belongings out of the house and that we are done. I can't even put quotes from his email here because it is full of so much profanity about me, our employees, "my fantasies," etc. I heard those threats many times the last time we went through this, but he never followed through. We'll see.

At the same time he was essentially screaming at me, he apologized for hurting me and said he would welcome the chance to talk if I am willing - as long as I don't get ugly!

I don't think I will be responding to him. How do you possible respond to an email like that?

He is angry with anyone and everyone who knows about his life over there, especially the employees who confirmed his affair to me. I guess he thought they would carry around his burden of guilt forever.

Anyway, I am very apprehensive about him coming back. I don't want him in the house without me here, but I am actually afraid of him. He would never hit me or anything like that, but he can be brutal when it comes to emotional abuse.

I thought about having someone here with me, but I fear that will just make things worse. And, if a civil conversation is possible, I want to listen - as long as HE doesn't get ugly.

It seems like things always come down to money. Nothing else would get him home, but that did!

Hopefully, I can find a way to be strong when he's here. I have to.

[2Times2Many]

I responded to him, after about 18 hours, and extended an olive branch to calm him down. I told him about the things our employees said about him and what they say he had said about me. I told him I didn't know who or what to believe. I told him I was willing to talk with him and also told him that I didn't want him to feel like he had no home to come back to and that he could stay here if he wanted, but if felt uncomfortable, that I would understand.

He has seemed to calm down a lot and sent an email thanking me and saying he wanted to talk and was looking forward to seeing me.

He comes in tomorrow and I have no idea what to expect. But, I'm not as apprehensive about seeing him. I talked with my therapist about all this and she gave me some good pointers about relaying my boundaries to him. So, I am in a good place right now.

I feel like some of our employees have fed me stuff that may or may not be true, but have essentially kept me in emotional turmoil because they don't like him - more specifically, think they can run the business better than him -- and have tried to play me to get what they want. That is, they would prefer he stay away.

I know he is certainly no angel, but he is a smart business man. So, I now have the issue of trying to figure out who is telling the truth.

My plan is to make it clear that I will not tolerate adultery and if he wants to continue to pursue the business overseas, I cannot sit here while he is gone wondering what he is doing and who he is doing it with -- my boundary. He had said about a week ago that he was trying to decide what to do with the business over there, but I don't feel like I can contribute to that decision. It has to be his ... he has to figure out his priorities. I do know that if our roles were reversed, he would never tolerate me spending half (or more) of my time away from home. He would give me an ultimatum ... Him or my business. I have no intention of giving him ultimatum, but he needs to realize that things cannot go on as they have.

We have been "email fighting" for weeks and I finally took the high road and tried to open the lines of communication. It seems to have worked.

He will see a lot of differences in me when he gets back - the biggest - I've been driving his high-tech sports car. That would be the one that I was afraid to drive because it is "high-tech" and I didn't want to be the fist one to get a scratch on it. But, I realized, no matter what I do to it, we are insured! Go me!

[AJM]

I feel like some of our employees have fed me stuff that may or may not be true, but have essentially kept me in emotional turmoil because they don't like him - more specifically, think they can run the business better than him -- and have tried to play me to get what they want. That is, they would prefer he stay away.

I know he is certainly no angel, but he is a smart business man. So, I now have the issue of trying to figure out who is telling the truth.

I think you owe it to yourself to do a few things, if it helps. You need to figure out the truth as much as possible. Take others out of the equation - this is between you and him. Be wary though, right? The other is to figure out that you need to face things and square them away one direction or the other. I'm not hearing that you want him gone. I'm hearing you won't tolerate affairs or games. I can't imagine how your conversation will go. Neither can you, so I would think you'll be best served if you take it as it comes. And verify things before making any moves. There's obviously a trust issue that needs to be dealt with one way or another. The conversation may be about that and how to either work through it or figure out a graceful exit.

My $0.04

Peace,
AJ

[2Times2Many]

H has been here for the past 3 days and just left to go back to our overseas facility. He stayed here at the house. We have spent hours talking and he has answered all of my questions. I believe that he has been honest. Some of his answers and some of the things he said stung a lot, so I think he's been truthful.

I suppose that after all the email fighting, I sort of did a 180 and was calm and pleasant. I listened carefully, answered him when an answer seemed necessary and there was no arguing, no crying, none of that. He just came home to a strong woman who let him know she was interested in trying to find a solution to our problems if he wanted to go in the direction. He left saying he was confused ... that our time together had not been what he had expected. He said he thought we were finished.

He had made appointments with two attorneys for his second day here, but cancelled both on the second morning.

He answered every question I asked and even volunteered how he felt and what he was thinking (some of that was scary).

For those who doubt the advice to "push" them toward the OP, it seems to work. He told me a lot about their relationship. He said that when he thought we were finished, he made a decision to try to build a relationship with OW ... that he realized he had made his bed (he said that a lot) and the only thing he could do was resign himself to stay over there and make the best of it. He said he cares for her but does not love her, they fight a lot, there are too many cultural differences that cause problems, the relationship is too much work and it's not supposed to be work. And here with me, although the conversations were sometimes difficult, the entire atmosphere was one of peace, caring and consideration for his feelings and thoughts. I think I made a good contrast, based on what he said about her.

He said he has a lot to think about - for the future of the business, our relationship and what he needs to be happy. He said he isn't happy here in the US but he's not happy over there either. I simply told him to take his time and if he decided that his happiness didn't include our relationship, I could accept that. Then I added that I was do it as gracefully as I possibly could and he laughed.

For the first time in a long time the lines of communication were open. I feel hopeful, but am trying not to have any expectations ... very, very tough.

I'm not sure what to do from here. I know patience is the number one thing and no pressure is number 2. I guess I just keep letting him lead???

By the way, a kind of cool thing was that when we went out he opened the car door for me everywhere. It's been years since he did that.

[AJM]

Was wondering how that went. Figured it went differently than previously expected.

Life is funny sometimes. Sometimes people think they know something and act on it, only to find out later they were completely blind to what was really going on.

Sounds like he is confused, but I think you handled that very well. I think you already know what to do from here...exactly what you said you were going to do.

It also sounds like you two made a connection for the first time in a while. That can be very intoxicating...

Peace,
AJ

[2Times2Many]

"It also sounds like you two made a connection for the first time in a while. That can be very intoxicating..."

That was the word he used - connected.

Surprisingly, he didn't blame me for anything ... said I had done nothing wrong. He accepted all the blame.

I did ask him if our roles were reversed and I was the one gone all the time, how long we he put up with it? At first he said a year, then said, no, maybe 6 months, then said he wouldn't put up with it for very long. I hope he thinks about that one.

I think his biggest issue is that the operation over there is close to being what his vision for it was and he committed to his partner over there and his operations manager that he would be there to see that things kept moving forward. He said he couldn't just let it go - it would kill him. I told him I knew that and that I would never ask him to do something like that. But, if we are going to fix things here, we need to find some solutions that are acceptable to both of us - particularly when it comes to the trust issue.

[2Times2Many]

Just journaling ...

I have to find a way to tell 2 of our employees (#1 who has been the instigator in adding to our personal problems and the other who is good friends with #1 and just believes what she hears) that my and H's personal life is not a topic of discussion in the office. We've done a lot for them - helping with financial issues mostly - but H and I both feel like we've been stabbed in the back. I know that a person MLC can do a lot of crazy stuff, but the person they have made him out to be is just not possible. I know he may have made a lot of remarks about how "bad" our M was, but I also know he is not the type of person who beds down anything in a skirt. That is what #1 has tried to portray.

#1's days are definitely numbered (we have a project that she needs to complete) and #2 would probably be okay without #1 around, but can be easily replaced.

I'm not a confrontational type person and telling someone to just shut up, mind their own business and do their jobs is not an easy thing for me to do. I need to do it in a way that will not make employees do less than is necessary in their jobs, but will make it clear that their bosses' personal issues are none of their business, especially after they have considered us to be their friends as well as their bosses .

I know when I go in on Monday, I am going to get questions about how my and H's time together went ... unfortunately, they know too much about what has been going on ... they knew I had marital problems before I did.

One of H's issues about not being happy here is the opinion his employees have of him. He realizes that what they think is his own fault, but that's one of the reasons he wants to stay overseas. I want to make it feel "safe" for him to spend more time here. I need to eliminate that obstacle.

I would sure appreciate some thoughts....

[LoisB]

2T2M,

Some of things you mention sound like consequences for your H's actions. I hear you enabling him.

I understand how you want to make things more comfortable for him in the office but, at the same time, it sounds like you have been left to deal with a situation He created.

I'd pray and think carefully about what is truly your responsibility to handle and what's not. What do you NEED to handle to keep your side of the street clean and keep the business running smoothly. What are things your H needs to face up to?

Just my two cents.

[2Times2Many]

Actually, Lois B, you are correct. Those are consequences of his actions. He did let the employees know what was going on. He actually admitted that he thought he wanted to get caught. What does that mean? Did he want to irretrievably break things or was it a cry for help?

You've given me something to think about. I just don't want that issue to be an excuse for not coming home to try.