Releasing...

[Wonka]

Jon,

Wow. Tons of stuff happening in your sitch that has a zig zag pattern.

Based on the vets posts from Piecing, I would suggest that you ask your W to accompany you to a MC that is based on Gottman principles in your area. You can frame it to W in a way that it is a partnership/collaboration and that you want the new M to start in the right direction with a trained professional who can aid you two in navigating a new road map together based on solutions. A good investment that may, hopefully, produce the intended result.

[Pudmuddle]

Like everyone else, Jon...WOW.

Confusion reigns on the Jon/W seesaw! Holy tripcity! Good luck with whatever happens!!! I'll be anxiously watching.

[JayMan]

Let me add another WEIRDER piece that has happened in the last little bit!

W had a box delivered here the other day accidentally, and the piano movers didn't take the piano lamp. I was going to drop the box off last night, and forgot. W called me and said she was right by the house, and could she come pick up the box and lamp. I said it was fine, but I was going to leave the stuff outside, and go back to working because I have a document I have to send out in about an hour.

She said, "You should come up because I'm all dressed up for a work lunch, and I have a new dress!" I was still trying to kind of absorb what had just happened earlier, so I just said, "Well, I really need to get this done; not to be a punk but this is a huge project". She said, "I look really hot, you'll like me!"

One of the things we talked about was not having a physical relationship right now until we have a path figured out, so I tried to kind of lighten it by saying, "Well, since we're in 'look but don't touch' phase, maybe I shouldn't do any looking if you look hot! " She said, "Well, your loss - you can touch my boobs."

I went up and said hi, but said, "I'll just give you a hug." So left it at that.

...You are now entering the twilight zone...

[NTX_Dad]

What's even weirder is that just a few hours ago you were excited about dating someone else and that you were proud to proclaim you were "done".

Well good luck, just take it slow.

[hurtin'part]

A compliment on her looks and outfut might be in order?

[Fartiltre]

Jon,

First of all: WOW!

I am confused just reading this and I have had the hardest of times trying to follow you and your W. It must be something to actually live it!

AS and Wonka posted some good things – You need to figure out what you want so start there. NTX had some good points about this - its hard for us to follow you!

You just got the message we all would love to have and it makes me happy on your behalf to read about this. I know it also gives hope to a lot of other people - myself included!
Do good with this whatever you decide is best for you – and do keep that 48 hour rule in the back of your head

F

[woody112]

Good luck Jon. I hope this works out.

I'm certainly not a vet here, but I'd like to offer my perspective. If my W told me she wanted to work on our M, I'd probably fall to the ground and kiss her feet. However, in my heart I know I have much work to do on me. I would have to proceed with extreme caution, because I would die before I would ever put her through this again. Honestly, I would be afraid that I would get lazy in the R again. This is my time to work for a change. Jon, don't get lazy! You're a good guy, I can tell. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[JayMan]

What's even weirder is that just a few hours ago you were excited about dating someone else and that you were proud to proclaim you were "done".

For NTX and everyone - first off, thanks for the encouraging words. It is a positive move, although I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I think I threw some stuff out flippantly - as far as dating, I would ONLY date as a friend and something very minor like coffee. Period. I even hesitate at that because it's very easy to get close to someone and not realize your feelings have run off with you. If I sit back and think about it, I probably wouldn't even think about anything serious until after my kids were out of the house, and since S11 is his age, that's like 7-8 years off. I simply relayed a conversation point. I am not excited, have no one in mind, and am not interested in it - I'm flattered some women showed interest in me, but that's it: flattered.

Secondly, I'm still "done" - meaning I'm not willing to do any more of the exhausting on-and-on blame game that W has been playing the past 6-8 months. Maybe I've become a little cynical, but I fully expect W to change her mind some time over this next week. That's part of the reason I asked for a week, and backed way off of it. I offered my appreciation, and validated that it was a tough decision. She has tried to flirt with me even tonight, and I just said, "Hey, flirty! I know you're just having fun, but this is a tricky/sensitive time, and I don't want to get ahead of ourselves."

W has her aunt and grandma in to visit, so that's helping keep the communication from her end down, and I'm extremely busy with work. I also have my kids all week because our babysitter is out of town, so that adds to it as well. With all the busyness, I'm thinking about asking W to take ANOTHER week where she can really think about things when she has time and focus.

I'm still taking some time to digest actually, so I'm not ignoring people, just not sure where my head/feelings are totally.

[MrBond]

Tell her that if she wants to work on the M, then she needs to arrange the things like the C. She has to take some sort of initiative towards Piecing.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Well Jon, you and your w have been so back and forth that I am actually not all that surprised that you are at this point. Like you, I wouldn't be surprised if she changed her mind again.

Two conflicting thoughts.

1. There is a lot of push/pull going on in your situation that could be creating attraction. Since she is not totally done, pushing her away might actually be drawing her back in. Also there is the possible jealousy about the other women.

2. Your way of interacting with your w needs some serious help if you are going to have a healthy long term marriage. While it could create attraction, it will lead to an unhealthy volatile relationship.

It is clear that your w needs help (ugly babies comments, watching tv all day, etc.). All the back and forth, I believe is partially on you Jon; you are so frustrated with it, that the frustration actually perpetuates the back and forth issue. I hope you stick around here because I think others have had some great insights into you and I don't think you have totally heard them.

If you can make it happen, I believe the your relationship with you w would benefit greatly from counseling.

I am all about creating attraction, but I think you need to understand why it may be happening. Once you understand it, you may be able to come up with healthier ways to do the same thing.