Me 1 year on

[TryingToDo180]

This is the first paragraph (the rest is just stuff about the items) any take on this, if it needs to be scrutinised. It just sounds weird. Maybe just my view.


"Hotwheels, This has taken a very long time I know and I apologise for the length of time in having my solicitor make you aware of what is going on. It has not been my wish for it to take so long and I have attempted to hasten this on many occasions. As soon as I am able to arrange it I expect you will shortly receive a letter from solicitor regarding the property settlement. "

IMO, it doesn't need to be scrutinised or reading anything into it. One thing though, it might have taken her so long to get round to doing it because she couldn't afford it or been too busy. Just stay cool until you get the letter from the solicitor.
Just wondering - Are you having your mail redirected? I wonder what will happen if the solicitor's letter gets occidentally sent to your old address Just my wicked streak coming out

[Fartiltre]

My only worry about not replying to the email, is that I will be doing what was pre BD, simply not talking/replying/ignoring. A 180 would be to simply reply.

You have been 180ing this for a year, you have been slightly pursuing every time your W initiated convo or replied to something you did. She has been not talking/replying/ignoring for a LONG time now!


Do clarify this for me:
Was both of the below in her mail??

"hotwheels, I apologise for taking so long, but I have accepted your offer of the splitting of assets. Papers will be sent from the solicitor"

"Hotwheels, This has taken a very long time I know and I apologise for the length of time in having my solicitor make you aware of what is going on. It has not been my wish for it to take so long and I have attempted to hasten this on many occasions. As soon as I am able to arrange it I expect you will shortly receive a letter from solicitor regarding the property settlement. "

And:
Who made the initial offer of splitting assets? As I recall she did.

[hotwheelsaust]

Reply time:
Ruby: thanks for your input. I don't want to come across as being rude either. I am taking the high road here (hope that's the right road) where I show people how much I have learnt this year and most importantly have changed for the better. I do agree with you, that the W simply wants nothing that reminds her of the old life.

2old: thanks also for your reply. It is so true that I need to focus more now on the two different journey's, mine and the W's.

TTD180: you are right, no need to scrutinize. I am sure she is on a different time frame to me anyway. What I perceive as being very slow, she might see as happening quickly. Mail isn't being directed at this stage. I am still in the house that I have been for nearly the 3 years. Mail will be redirected when I move out in two months time.

F: I get what you are saying. My 180 of replying has been done so many times with no real reaction from her at all over this year. So if I didn't reply to this email, then it won't make a difference to what she felt about me before BD.
With regards to the two quotes. The first one was me just quickly putting words together telling the forum what has happened. The second quote was the exact words in the first paragraph of the email. Both from the same email.
Yes, the W has initiated all the major things: initiated the BD, the moving out, the splitting of assets. I have not initiated anything apart from advising the work union back in the beginning to stop taking her payments out of my bank account.

As I said earlier: I need to change a lot of my focus and even goals now.
I will spend some time thinking more about it all. But for now I really need to focus on this is her journey, she has chosen to go down this path and I cannot do anything about it. All I can do is choose my path and travel down it. And while I am travelling down my own path, I need to be the best for my boys, improve my positive outlook in life and get out and do more things.

Thanks again to all those people who have taken some time from their lives to help me and my life. Appreciate it.

[2old]

HWA, you know what you "gotta" do...And you have already got a great start towards it...One thing I want to mention is how Wonka just commented on my thread about a huge wall the WAS has put up towards us. That has got to be the "fog" or "storm" however one wants to word it going on in their mind.

An issue arose today as I received mail my WAW should have and the only address she has given early on is her son's. At first I was thinking no dont send it since she doesn't have the descensy to give me her new address. But, you know what, it really doesn't matter, whatever is going on in her head is for her to deal with not me. And you have the same kind of sitch. MAtter of fact there are alot of sitchs' like ours I'm finding out.

I'm holding to n/c because I now feel better not having to deal with her being icy, foggy whatever....Time to move it or lose it....

[TryingToDo180]

2old, I'm glad that you finally see that a lot of the sitches are similar, before you thought that yours was unique

Thanks again to all those people who have taken some time from their lives to help me and my life. Appreciate it.

HWA you know that you've no need to say that, though it's very much appreciated We're all here to help each other and for a lot of us commenting on each others threads is a good way to GAL

[Fartiltre]

HWA,

So if I didn't reply to this email, then it won't make a difference to what she felt about me before BD.

I would consider trying something different at this point! Remember the cheeseless tunnels.
Pull totally back and don’t answer since she stated no question. I get it all about the high road but IMHO you can do almost everything about this mail and still be on the highroad!

Yes, the W has initiated all the major things: initiated the BD, the moving out, the splitting of assets. I have not initiated anything apart from advising the work union back in the beginning to stop taking her payments out of my bank account.

Then dump the feeling of guilt totally!
You have absolutely NO reason at all to carry this around!

As I said earlier: I need to change a lot of my focus and even goals now.
I will spend some time thinking more about it all. But for now I really need to focus on this is her journey, she has chosen to go down this path and I cannot do anything about it. All I can do is choose my path and travel down it. And while I am travelling down my own path, I need to be the best for my boys, improve my positive outlook in life and get out and do more things.

I really like this, HWA! It simply states lovingly detachment. I also read that you are not giving in yet but that the means you will use to fight for your M is 100% you.
If I have read it right I am all with you!

All the best and happy thinking

F

[hotwheelsaust]

You are right F, I am not giving in, simply allowing her to travel her own journey. Even if she divorces me I won't give up on her.
Certainly down the track I may find someone else, who in turn allows me to become more detached from the W.
Can anyone suggest a book that could help with losing the guilt feeling. That is my biggest thing I need to improve, but is also the biggest thorn in my side at this time in life.

[Fartiltre]

HWA,

I would love to help you on this one but I can’t!

I hope a VET will come by!

IMHO the guilt arises from you not forgiving you and I truly know the feeling. It hurt’s! You need to let this go! You are but a man, you have made mistakes, you have realized them, made your apologizes and worked hard to change them for good.
A book properly won’t help you on this one. This forgiveness has to come from within you. Some people seek this from God, some from a parent or others but IMHO (still as a baptized catholic) true forgiveness must come from you!

If another person did to you what you did to your family or if you were simply a bystander advising HWA what would you say, how would you look at things, would you tell HWA to not forgive yet.
Would you tell him to keep on punishing himself or would you tell him to let go?

What do you truly believe W would like you to do? Keep on hurting? And what about your sons?
Would it even change anything if W wrote you that you are forgiven?

HWA, IMHO you are a forgiven man but you need to forgive yourself and only you – no book, no man or woman and no God – can do this! Just you – and it is about time!

This is about you!

F

[Fartiltre]

Just want to add:

You have a lot of thinking and digging to do the upcoming days!
Get to it, HWA

Push forward! You are getting closer and closer!

[hotwheelsaust]

F, very wise words that you have written. Yes I am certain I have been forgiven by a lot of people, including the W. Yes, there probably isn't any great book that is going to help.It is simply an idea or choice that I have to make on this journey. I see how my guilt has probably been the thing that has been letting me down for so long in this sitch. Not that is has caused more issues, but the guilt has stopped me moving forward so much more.
I have felt guilt over quite a lot of things: the boys feelings of losing parents being together, guilt of having to move to the country (rather than me having a better job that didn't require moving), guilt of all the actions/inactions pre BD, guilt over how the in-laws feel about me. Guilt of losing a long term marriage etc.
I do need to accept where I went wrong (and this has been done), but now I do need to also forgive myself for a lot of the above things. It isn't fair to blame the sons feelings on what I did, nor is it fair to feel guilt with the in-laws when it was their daughter that left.

Tomorrow is my BD anniversary, and I think I will be making a vow to myself to forgive myself. Otherwise I am never going to be the better person I want to be.

One of these days F, I really am going to try and make my way over your side of the world to simply shake your hand and thank you. And have a beer or three.