You say you are looking for ways to ignite your wife. She is willing to do this...it IS a step.
It's a step where we were for many years, and nothing changed during that time. She didn't see the point in doing anything more. As she saw it, it fulfilled my biological need.
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Take it for what it is, a gift of love.
Was kind of hard to see it that way all those years, especially when it would only happen after a lot of reminding. And, seriously, if this is the only interaction you have, it leads to feeling unwanted. At some point, it's better not to do anything at all than to constantly reinforce and experience the limit. Unfortunately, it eventually left me with a feeling that women in general abhor sexual contact. Reading that it's otherwise on a website like this is only an intellectual recognition -- it doesn't undo the emotional learning that such a limited experience reinforces.
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It seems as though no matter WHAT she does or doesn't do, you are not satisfied.
Logically true, but absurd. The alternative is to be satisfied with virtually nothing.
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If that is the case what is the point for her to even try? You know she too can pick up on your attitude, and I'm feeling one here.
You state the obvious. If there was a logical solution, I'd have been all over it long ago!
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Do you ever think that your attitude IS a contribution to this whole situation?
Of course, my wanting sex is contributing to the problem. There is no way around that.
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It is very intimidating to have someone as needy in this department . And she may be perceiving you as needy here. Whether you have discussed this or not lately, there IS a huge amount of pressure on her. Because she knows you want this, need this, and she doesn't know what to do about it.
It's not a new problem by any means. It's been discussed to death in the past, which was part of the problem -- me always wanting to "discuss the problem". Now I don't bother her about it at all, and the relationship is otherwise much better for it, except for the complete lack of sex of course.
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What have you done to make yourself more attractive to her? What have you done to make her feel safe? How long have you done these things? How long have you stuck with your changes?
Been down that path with therapists and all. Our relationship improved a lot. I don't put any pressure on her at all -- don't even want to experience the rejection any more at this point. But we go on vacations together and do a lot of fun things together as if she were my sister. It's really quite a nice relationship that way. But I also very much want a playful, erotic, sexual partner, and it doesn't seem even remotely possible at this point that my wife wants to be in that role with me.
Just to make the point again, she calls me up for friendly chats all the time, invites me out to dinner at restaurants. And I do the same. All the stuff that the "experts" say should somehow automatically make a woman want sex. But that has not been the result. She's happy having no sex. It's just that simple. I don't know why people find that so hard to believe when it's well known that the most common problem for women in middle age is low or nonexistent libido.
That's a tinderbox waiting for a spark -- either the dissatisfied partner leaves to have their needs met, or the inadequate feeling partner leaves for validation from someone else.
Everything else you wrote fits my situation. Including the "tinderbox" situation. The only twist is we made it past the tinderbox stage with the help of therapy. We now get along very well, and we don't let our libido differences affect anything else. It just hasn't solved the sexual problem, that's all.
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That may involve looking at *why* you want what you want, and seeing if there is an alternate way to have those needs met, and the inadequate feeling partner needs to be willing to step up and give compromise a try.
In our case that may be just a case of each of us giving each other "privacy" to take care of our needs as we see fit. Kind of like a brother and sister might treat each other about sex.
You have vented you want all these things sexually , you can't have it with her, so now you want to go outside the marriage.
Well, doing so wouldn't be the end of the world. In fact, it's not even the end of a lot of marriages.
A sizable minority of people don't seek and don't need Dr. Phil's approval for how they meet their needs. One example would be swingers. Not exactly my cup of tea, but there's a group which sort of meets their need for more variety than they have in their marriage. You could say that some of them are in it for the wrong reasons. Then I would counter that since over half of marriages don't make it past year 12, does that mean most people are in marriages for the wrong reason?
As for endless talking to one's spouse and not going outside the marriage, I have a friend who tried that. His wife never took him seriously. He even threatened having an affair if she didn't want to work on their intimacy. She though he was joking. He even left divorce papers on the kitchen table for her to review. She didn't sign them. She though he was just being annoying and wanted him to get over his "obsession with sex", as if wanting any at all was an "obsession". Well, guess what? Eventually he went out and had an affair and lived with the other woman for a few weeks. His wife was shocked and went into a panic and pleaded for him to return.
As cruel as it may sound, it sometimes takes an actual affair to wake up a partner. Sometimes words alone just don't bring it home.
But that would not likely be my wife's reaction. She's more like, "whatever". Neither of us has ever been very jealous. We give each other a lot of freedom and appreciate each other as good friends.
You have vented you want all these things sexually , you can't have it with her, so now you want to go outside the marriage.
Well, doing so wouldn't be the end of the world. In fact, it's not even the end of a lot of marriages.
A sizable minority of people don't seek and don't need Dr. Phil's approval for how they meet their needs. One example would be swingers. Not exactly my cup of tea, but there's a group which sort of meets their need for more variety than they have in their marriage. You could say that some of them are in it for the wrong reasons. Then I would counter that since over half of marriages don't make it past year 12, does that mean most people are in marriages for the wrong reason?
As for endless talking to one's spouse and not going outside the marriage, I have a friend who tried that. His wife never took him seriously. He even threatened having an affair if she didn't want to work on their intimacy. She though he was joking. He even left divorce papers on the kitchen table for her to review. She didn't sign them. She though he was just being annoying and wanted him to get over his "obsession with sex", as if wanting any at all was an "obsession". Well, guess what? Eventually he went out and had an affair and lived with the other woman for a few weeks. His wife was shocked and went into a panic and pleaded for him to return.
As cruel as it may sound, it sometimes takes an actual affair to wake up a partner. Sometimes words alone just don't bring it home.
Well if you study these cases like I have since 2007, you will realize you are exactly correct.
It's the only type of thing that will cause some harsh feelings if there are feelings still there, hell the withholder may not realize there are feelings there and it will ignite them.
Plus there was the concept of image. If you have been puppy dogging for years and being starved, she see's you as sexless. If you have sexlife, and especially if it's a affair partner who has alot going on for them, it will raise feelings of inferiority and competition ensues.
I believe it's a good "parting shot" for a situation which you have tried and tried and tried, and you decide you are going to have a sexlife and the spouse will not control this, you've been as reasonable as you can and they are no longer going to rob you.
You have vented you want all these things sexually , you can't have it with her, so now you want to go outside the marriage.
Well, doing so wouldn't be the end of the world. In fact, it's not even the end of a lot of marriages.
A sizable minority of people don't seek and don't need Dr. Phil's approval for how they meet their needs. One example would be swingers. Not exactly my cup of tea, but there's a group which sort of meets their need for more variety than they have in their marriage. You could say that some of them are in it for the wrong reasons. Then I would counter that since over half of marriages don't make it past year 12, does that mean most people are in marriages for the wrong reason?
As for endless talking to one's spouse and not going outside the marriage, I have a friend who tried that. His wife never took him seriously. He even threatened having an affair if she didn't want to work on their intimacy. She though he was joking. He even left divorce papers on the kitchen table for her to review. She didn't sign them. She though he was just being annoying and wanted him to get over his "obsession with sex", as if wanting any at all was an "obsession". Well, guess what? Eventually he went out and had an affair and lived with the other woman for a few weeks. His wife was shocked and went into a panic and pleaded for him to return.
As cruel as it may sound, it sometimes takes an actual affair to wake up a partner. Sometimes words alone just don't bring it home.
Talk is cheap! And by the way, they are laughing at you over time after they closed up shop on you and you've been doing all this puppy dogging and complaining. They even begin to delude themself you can't get it elsewhere.
Many of them are demand creatures. If they know something or someone is in demand they want some too.
Do you want this bad enough to stir the pot, leave for an undetermined period of time?
Perhaps long enough that she will seek help and accept help?
Meaning that she start looking within herself as to why she feels it is okay to not have sex at all?
Dr. Laura writes about this, and she is pretty frank. If this is a problem for you, it should be perceived as a problem for the marriage!
She took vows saying she AND you would keep only unto each other, she is forbidding you from herself, yet she still wants to be married. This is wrong.
I do not believe she is exhausting all avenues to make this part , a very BIG part, of marriage joyful. Human beings whether male or female need this. I am 53, and this is a topic among women all the time. ATTITUDE is 99 % of this.
I'm not saying to get angry and attack her, but I do believe that you are making excuses for her behavior and attitude.
Okay, so you want it every day and she doesn't want it at all?
There is SOOOOO much room for compromise here, and if she isn't willing to , it has NOTHING to do with libido. This is about meeting your partner . Brothers and sisters? Not even close, friends? Again, there has to be some give and take, and she is not coming close to giving. THIS is what needs to be addressed!
Why is it that she feels she is entitled to not putting any effort into intimacy? What makes her feel this is acceptable behavior? These are questions she must ask herself. For this is the epitome of selfish behavior and thought.
You expecting it everyday would be the same. Wanting it everyday is not. This is the difference between what she is doing and what you desire.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
She values friendship, shared responsibilities, vacations together, our kids and extended families, shared recreational activities, and sense of humor.
Why would I leave for an extended period of time? I have no desire to do that whatsoever. I enjoy the time I have with my wife. The only missing link is sex. Like I've said, I have no interest in causing an artificial crisis that affects every other part of our lives and others, just to solve the sex problem. And it wouldn't anyway. Already been there done that years ago. I'm not into a lot of drama just to get sex.
A friend with benefits is something that just adds to the whole mix. I have no intention of leaving my marriage just to have sex -- what a ridiculous concept. I mean, it doesn't take 100% of your time to have sex with another person. Just a few hours a week. Most people spend ten times that amount of time just watching TV!
Sure, I agree with everything you say about my wife. But I'm not her. I can only do what I can do. I like your attitude though! I wish my wife had your attitude about working on the sex problem.
What do you mean me expecting it every day would be the same, while wanting it every day is not?
Talk, tell jokes, travel, hugs... Stuff two good friends would do. Brother and sister. Pride in our kids. Bring things to the attention of the other that we know interests the other. Go to movies and restaurants we both enjoy.
