2.25 Years, Moving Forward

[adinva]

Accuray, unfortunately, as my IC and I discussed my need to discover, accept, and ask for my needs to be met, it was noted that my H is not a "safe" person to ask. His responses in the past have been to belittle, ridicule, or punish me for what I asked for. IC has been nudging me to set boundaries with him (the side of being assertive that I'm generally more comfortable with) and even that I've been pretty resistant to practicing with H. I couldn't tell if it was cowardice masked by compelling reasons or if it was good judgment happening to line up with my cowardly inclination, but either way,

I still haven't had the conversation with H about how his text on my way home from the airport "you could have just answered the question," a little nose-thumb after I had not only answered the question but expressed gratitude for what H had done, made me feel. To let him know that he came across as rude and I didn't like it.

It just doesn't seem that important. It also seems futile. Also, if history teaches me anything, it is that his response will be some form of FINE followed by a punitive withholding of even necessary texts, about which I will be blamed for telling him not to ever text me. This just is how he is.

It is more important to me that he not have me as an excuse to distance himself any further from his kids. I don't need to assert myself with him, unless something is really important, and I don't need to make his interactions painful, shame inducing, or otherwise unpleasant. It just isn't worth it to me. He barely sees his kids as it is. Fussing at him about the tone of one text message will not achieve a goal that I really value.

So basically, Accuray, in my case your question has been considered and the verdict is that, in my specific situation, it's a lost cause. My H will not change because he doesn't want to change. To become different he would have to face some things about himself that he will probably never be willing to face.