Separated and confused

[Accuray]

lostinpgh,

Your posts will take a while to show up as long as you are on moderation, the more you post, the sooner moderation will be lifted, so journal away or post on other threads as well.

I was considering giving him a call and just telling him I have some mail for him and keep things light and not mention R talks at all. But, the fear of being rejected keeps scaring me back into staying dark.

Glad you got over that. If you don't expect anything you can't be rejected. Don't give him the power to reject you.

So I know this is mindreading, but I have a feeling that he is avoiding talking with me because he thinks the first thing I'll do is bring up talks about our relationship and he will feel pressured again.

You're probably right. Usually it takes a long time for the WAS to believe that the LBS isn't waiting to drop a relationship talk grenade on them. You'll typically see progress when they honestly believe that you have moved on emotionally and are no longer dependent upon them in the least for your happiness and well being. That makes you safe and approachable again and is necessary for starting a new relationship with him if you choose to. The remnants of the old one need to be flushed.

Its just hard to show someone that you've grown and changed if you don't speak to them at all. Neither of us ever post anything on facebook, in fact I've been avoiding it altogether.

Yes, the #1 fear of DB'ers everywhere -- how will my WAS see my changes if I'm giving them space? Two things here -- nostalgia is your friend and they are more likely to think fondly of you if they haven't seen you in a while, and the longer you have to make changes, the better your emotional state is going to be when you finally do reconnect. Small ongoing changes are much harder to see, although really you should be making changes for you and not for him, so it really shouldn't matter if he sees them or not.

I'm thinking he is trying to relieve himself of guilt if I'm not sitting on my couch in tears every night while he figures himself out. Mindreading again...

Yep, that's exactly what you want to do, don't saddle him with your emotional well being.

I've had a chance to work on my own self and I've been able to see things I was doing wrong in our relationship and to myself.

Whatever you do, don't point them out. An ounce of "look how much better I am" erases your progress because they think you're trying to fool them into coming back and you will then revert. Don't mention your changes at all, just act according to how you want to act and have faith that your changes will be noticed.

If you were able to go from early August until now with no contact, you've been doing awesome! Most people don't have that kind of discipline. If you can keep it up you're doing the best thing you can do. Avoid R talks at all costs. Don't let even a little bit of it slip in.