CC, When in MLC, if the lips are moving...well, there will be some lies spread about. If he doesn't want you to know what he's doing, he may very well lie. If he's done something wrong and doesn't want to hear any grief, he'll lie. Some of them become such "professional" liars during mlc.
You are going to find that there is going to be a lot of things that you won't get while he's in crisis. Why? Because he is acting out emotionally and they aren't always rational when they say or do stuff. You can't make rational deductions if they don't know why they are doing the stuff they are doing.
I think it would be wise to have your friends stop advising you of what he's doing. It's not healthy for you to hear all of this stuff. Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today's interaction......I know I shouldn't care but apcan someone shed a light?
So after years of my H's lack of memory, I've always advised him to write lists and cross them off as he does them (prior to DB). He never has an I spent my life organising him and reminding him....to no avail.
This morning I woke to a message from him saying that I may be shocked but he's started a to do list and that it only took him 10 years.
I responded I'm very proud but is be lying if I didn't say that this moment of clear thinking hasn't shocked me. Or should I be looking at it a different way?
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
I'd definitely encourage the behavior! Get ur done while you can!
He's trying to impress you and get back into your good graces for sure.
Maybe, not to overdo it too much, but something like, "I know you have been struggling with some things and I really appreciate you taking the time to help out around the house."
Wait for the more experienced LBS-ers before taking my advice.
Enjoy this sudden gift from your H.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
CC, He's doing something different, i.e., making lists. Recognize him for his efforts, which I think you did. Clarity comes in bits and pieces and maybe, just maybe this is something new for him, i.e., the opposite of what he would have done pre-crisis.
If he does some of the "honey do list" items, be sure to recognize him for doing them. They are like kids and soak up the affirmation and recognition.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok thank you. I will encourage (but not ott). I'm not sure anything on his list will be for me, the house or the kids but when/if they are I will ensure I thank him.
Would it be a good idea to ask him to do some stuff around the house? He's here tomorrow.
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
It's okay to ask him if he has time to assist you in some projects around the home...but I would wait until he's there and observe his body language. If he's not in a good mood, I would ask him if he could assist you some time to get some things done. That way, if he wishes to decline tomorrow, he won't feel pressured to do them even if he doesn't want to do them.
Does what I posted make sense? In other words, if you should ask him to do something or come to dinner or whatever, he needs to know that it's his decision as to whether it's a yes or a no and you want get angry or disappointed w/him. He needs to know that he has the control to make his own decision. If you do ask, keep your expectations at zero at all times.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"know that it's his decision as to whether it's a yes or a no and you "won't" get angry or disappointed w/him. He needs to know that he..."
Also, you can phrase your question about help in another way. You can say "h, I need to some assistance w/the lawn work, do you know anyone who can do it for a reasonable fee"? He may offer up to do it and come across as the one doing a good deed.
Again, it all depends upon his mood.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He just called to see if the kids had gone to bed ok as they were really emotional tonight. I took the opportunity to ask if he's help with something around the house tomorrow. He said he'd try to help. I thanked him graciously.
I'll give him the option tomorrow to see if he'd like to help, if not ill get a friend to help another day.
I'll try to get the opportunity to give him praise whenever it's warranted. I sometimes worry that he may 'cake eat' if I'm too nice to him.
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
CC, You'll know when and where to set your boundaries. If you need help around the home, ask him. If he says no, find someone else to do it.
Bottom line, you are in more control over your situation than you think.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
