Because I told W I was done before, but she kept coming back with more R talk, and I was thinking maybe there could be some resolution of hard feelings as we closed things up. But since she is just vested in bringing up the past, I decided to recap my decision, and leave it at that.
LOL, I think I've tried every way BUT moving on, so I honestly don't know. I guess I could've said nothing at all, and just handed her the signed dissolution next week. I could've left out the dating part, but I didn't want it to come back through the grapevine.
I dunno - at this point, I'm so confused by her, I don't even know what to do.
Why are you confused by her, this is about what you want to say to her.
Who you want to be.
You're right, you could have said nothing and then if she continued to contact you and you didn't want that, you could have created a boundary.
Be honest about the dating thing. Why did you put it in there, because you're hurting and you want her to hurt? One last knife twist to see if she's jealous and comes back with a reaction?
You also send her mixed messages and I think that's what all these posters above are trying to say, figure out why you do these things. Your convenient response is to blame it on her.
It's not her.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You should NOT date yet. You are not ready. You seem to still care about your W, and you haven't fixed yourself at all. You will carry the same bad relationship dynamics to the next one and you'll be back here in a few years for the third time.
To be honest, that last text sounded like a threat and controlling, and quite immature. You spent part of the evening talking about the past and want to fix things, then you suddenly stop and say "screw it, I'm done and going to start dating and you should too". Talk about a roller coaster, you both have your own roller coasters.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I have to be honest and a 2x4 isn't big enough. You are here for a second time for a reason.
Jon you seem to have control issues and expect a quick fix. You assume she has a problem and expect her to snap out of it. Do you really love her, or do you just want her back so that you win this battle and life goes back to the old, bad "normal"?
As far as I can see, the roller coaster is you. You have not DB'ed or GAL'ed at all. You are so back and forth, we are confused. I can only imagine the confusion your W feels. No wonder she's indecisive, she doesn't know what JonF she's going to see day to day.
One day you love her, the next you are ready to date. Wow, just wow. Then when you are called out on it, you dismiss it to frustration. There seems to be way too much drama and frankly it seems immature.
My executive summary: You both are confused, you both really do care about each other, you both don't trust each other, neither of you has fundamentally changed yet, you both need to go dark for a while and work on yourselves, no texting/coffee in underwear/dinners/party at mutual friends together/phone calls at all except if its logistics about the kids.
I don't want to sound negative, we are all rooting for you and your marriage.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
You are being hammered by the VETs and they have good reasons for doing this IMO.
To me it seems like you are all over the place! You live in the land of confusion and you change your opinions, your path and your goals every other day. I have been there! It’s not a nice place to be in! You need to get a grip on yourselves whether you want your W back or not doesn’t matter.
VETs have advised you and do read their post again. I just want to add this:
I have often told people in here to apply the 48 hour rule before initiating communication with the WAS and I certainly urge you to do the same thing. Different thing is that you need to do before deciding ANYTHING! You seem like a very emotional guy and you decide purely on the grounds of emotions and here the 48 hour rule could help you. IMO you need consistency in your life and acting on emotions in an emotional time gives you the exact opposite. The problem is very simple: Emotions change!! That’s why we all read you as being all over the place and properly you don’t see this the way we do.
Every time you feel like:
telling W something deciding something for yourselves taking a stand deciding an opinion
….apply this easy rule. You can also with benefit sometimes choose the big brother – the 96 hour rule!
If you still think the same after 48/96 hours the chance of not acting on emotions has increased tremendously.
You need to decide what you want and then stick to a path for long enough to decide if the chosen path does Jon any good.
I hope the above makes sense and please recall that this is well meant!
I wish you all the best!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
@ntx/labug/faltiltre/2nd - I'll respond specifically, but maybe should put this out here first:
So, now it gets even crazier. I honestly just sat here and laughed for a couple minutes because I thought this couldn't get any weirder, and then it did. Maybe you all think I'm just an idiot and floating in the wind, but other than completely avoiding W at all costs, I don't even know.
After the R talk and validating, W called me several times. I finally answered, and she asked me to come over. I was a bit taken aback, and asked her why, and she just said, "Please come over". I asked her if everything was all right, and I could hear some tears in her voice, and she said, "Please? I'm asking you to just come."
So, I was about to go to lunch anyway, and the food places are near her house, so I thought "what the heck, why not, what else could go wrong?" I got there, and S5 was running around, so she asked me to come into another room, and closed/locked the door. Then she stood there for a long time, kinda looking at the floor:
W: "I don't know what to say, but I wanted to talk to you in person."
Me: "Well, this is awkward!" *smile*
W: "I want to try to make our marriage work. I'm in. I think we should start very slow, maybe just date once a week to start. If I agree to try, can we still keep the divorce and just put the delay in? I only want to keep it in because I'm still very scared, and I'm afraid this is all not real, and I don't know if I could honestly try if it was dismissed - but you're right when you say that if I don't do SOMETHING, we'll just drift into divorce."
Me: blink. blink. "Are you sure? I'm glad you feel this way, but I know we've both been back and forth a lot, so I want to make sure we're not making emotional decisions."
W: "Even when I was furious at you and almost hated you a few weeks ago, I still loved you deep down, and that's really never changed. Even when we argued, no matter how much I tried to stop having feelings for you, I couldn't. So, I figure if we just back into divorce its just going to make me miserable because I'll still be loving you."
Me: "I really appreciate your honesty, and opening up. Again, we have been all over the board, flipping from divorce one day to saying "I love you" the next. Since your aunt is coming up for a week, why don't you spend a nice week with her, and if you still feel this way in a week, we can talk again?"
She agreed that would be a good idea, and I left.
^^^ THIS is why I have no idea what to do from day to day, or even hour to hour.
So all that happened with in one hour since your last post? Interesting development.... So what are you going to do for you, during this week she will take to make sure she feels the same?
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Wow! I really would have thought some of the things you said to her would have driven her farther away, but regardless, I just have one question for you- what do YOU want? You've been all over the map lately, so assuming your W is serious and committed, what do YOU want? Are you on board with a reconciliation attempt as well? If so, then spend the next few days researching piecing threads and come up with a game plan. I think you did the right thing telling your W to take a week to think about it. You should think about it too. Get prepared for that talk in a week. If she's "all-in", then lay out your boundaries and discuss the steps in reconciling. RetroV, MC, date nights, whatever they may be.
