Struggling!

[Accuray]

This isn't ssmguy's thread and I don't necessarily think he solicits help, I think he's here for the discussion.

In the spirit of discussion, I think Ambivalent's post is a great list of things to think about so I'm going to jump in!

Take it for what it is, a gift of love. It seems as though no matter WHAT she does or doesn't do, you are not satisfied.

I will jump over the fence here and argue the other side. This does seem to be an SSM theme, that the LD partner believes the HD partner cannot be satisfied, so what's the point in trying? i.e. if I give a little, there will be another ask behind it, and then another ask behind that one, and I'll never see an end to it. Who wants to jump in that hamster wheel?

From my perspective, this is a trap that grabs and holds marriages and rarely releases them, where you have one dissatisfied partner, and one partner who feels inadequate.

That's a tinderbox waiting for a spark -- either the dissatisfied partner leaves to have their needs met, or the inadequate feeling partner leaves for validation from someone else.

I've spent quite a bit of time on this dilemma -- asking the dissatisfied partner to lower their expectations or give up their needs is hopeless. That might work for a little while, but generally they're just kidding themselves. Asking the inadequate partner to step up to what the dissatisfied partner wants also seems to be a non-starter because there is too much fear and frustration there.

The *only* way I've seen out of this is compromise, where the two people have to work together to figure out a way where the dissatisfied partner can have their needs met truly and completely in a way that does not feel like a hamster wheel or violate who the inadequate partner feels they are.

That may involve looking at *why* you want what you want, and seeing if there is an alternate way to have those needs met, and the inadequate feeling partner needs to be willing to step up and give compromise a try.

I feel this is where many marriages meet their doom is that the inadequate feeling partner simply will not step up at all and instead digs in and becomes recalcitrant.

The unmet needs therefore deepen the dissatisfied partner's "needs deficit" and raises the bar. If at one point they would have been satisfied with twice weekly sex, they now want to have a trapeze and a unicycle involved because they are so repressed, which makes the wall even higher for the reluctant partner to climb over.

Therefore, I don't see that returning to HJ's is going to solve anything, I don't think his wife is going to want to give them, and I don't think ssmguy will be satisfied by them in any kind of convincing way.

Because she knows you want this, need this, and she doesn't know what to do about it.

What have you done to make yourself more attractive to her? What have you done to make her feel safe? How long have you done these things? How long have you stuck with your changes?

None of this will do anything unless she gets over her current stance and is willing to engage. She's entrenched, and without a motivating event, he's just setting himself up for frustrated expectations. She won't feel safe until she's open to feeling safe, no matter what he does.