I'm not going to answer it, I'll let it be until she contacts me.
I'm not going to push the division of finances either, I wanted to give her money so she doesn't feel trapped. We used mint.com in the past to track everything and for what I thought was healthy accountability. But in this situation, I'm thinking it'll be better if she has the choice to manage her own half of it or leave things as is. But I'll wait to hear from her before deciding for us both.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Having a good morning so far. I missed AA yesterday because I went out for my meetup. I went to this mornings meeting and it's a Big Book study. The topic was ch.9 "The Family Afterwards." I'm really glad I went, it gave me a lot of insight into my current situation. It explained how once the alcoholic stops drinking the spouse/family wants things to return to normal very quickly. It's simply not that easy.
It appears the same thing happens with the LBS. Once they are left, and know everything they did wrong and admit their faults, they wants the WAS to immediately notice it and go back to normal. At least that's how I feel at this point. I know it took me about 7-8 months of sobriety before I even said the words- "I'm an alcoholic." So, I can see why it would take the WAS so long to look inward at what changes they need to make. I
I also felt trapped by my alcoholism, like I had no way out. The WAS feels this too, that they are disrespected and trapped. Divorce is the way out. I hope that through the process she will come to realize she is no longer trapped and I'm not holding her back. That she has autonomy and is control at this point.
This has made me realize just how controlling of a man I was. Not to the point of telling her who she could and couldn't see or anything. But definitely in terms of money, not going over things with her. And with her free time, she wanted to do a Bible study with her mother on our only day off together. Instead of encouraging her, I made it all about me and asked her what I was going to do while she was doing that. I was so self-centered. I had no life. GAL is so important for me at this point as I reflect back on things.
Anyway, I posted pictures from the meetup hike on FB and I'm trying to move on with my life. I know she's on her own journey and I pray with God's assistance our paths will cross once again.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I have also decided to stop wearing my wedding ring. It is killing my psycholigically to have it on. I need to start moving on with my life and let her go her own way as well. This was a tough decision.
Anyone think it's a bad idea? I have no idea if she's wearing her or not. I haven't seen her in over 5 weeks.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
One more question- I'm sending her mail tomorrow that's accumulated at the house along with an iphone charger (I sledgehammered my iphone.) I'd like to send her some cash and a thank you not for all of her hardwork since we've moved here. She has been working 6 days a week recently to save up before her seasonal position is cut.
Her love language is words of encouragement so I wonder if anyone thinks a "thank you" card or something would be appropriate to show her her hard work has not gone unnoticed. I was never good at verbalizing my appreciation in her last job either to her financial contributions to the household. I thought about including a couple hundred bucks cash inside as a token of good will and a thank you. This way she could use it on whatever she wants instead of it showing up on mint.com where I could see it.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I think wearing the ring is a personal choice. I am forgetful and was never consistent I wearing mine daily over the years.... So it was easy for me to pack it away and not wear it for the last 2 months. A few weeks ago I felt like I should get it out and start wearing it again...so I am wearing the band now.
As far as you writing her a note and giving her money. I would say no right now.
When my H camd to visit...(I knew we were in trouble...but I wasn't expecting BD) I picked him up from the airport...once we got back to the car I gave him a welcome home card that expressed my gratitude for all his hard work for our family etc.. (in attempt to speak his love language and validate things he's said in the past)...with-in an hour of his arrival he told me he was done... later that week he told me it was too late for things like the card and that I was only doing all these things b/c of him wanting to leave etc...
Hopefully someone else will chime in...but yeah my opinion is told hold off for now.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
I am also mailing her mail and the extra iphone cord in a bubble mailer with nothing else in it. I agree Mimi, I don't think the card helps me at this point, makes me look weak and clingy. It's more mysterious anyway to send the iphone charger with no explanation.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
My attorney is sending over my answer today, it's a general denial. Basically just puts the ball back in her court and makes her take the next steps. Let's hope she takes her time and doesn't push it through.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Her love language is words of encouragement so I wonder if anyone thinks a "thank you" card or something would be appropriate to show her her hard work has not gone unnoticed. I was never good at verbalizing my appreciation in her last job either to her financial contributions to the household. I thought about including a couple hundred bucks cash inside as a token of good will and a thank you.
Definitely DO NOT give her cash! First, that's not WoA, that's "Gifts". Second, cash is always a gift that says "I didn't want to spend the time getting you something special, so I'm throwing money at you instead". Works great on kids, not so well on adults! If her PLL is WoA, then go back and read that chapter for examples of WoA. It is NOT saying "thank you". Thank you's are nice, but they do not fill a person's love tank. WoA has to be a lot more directed and specific than "thank you".
