PM, glad you found me over here, too!! I really appreciate your male insight!!!
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When things seem out of control and emotions are running high, go back to the basics.
Focus on being the best Angela R and the best mom you can be in every moment. Be honorable. Be true to YOURSELF first. Do not show him an emotional reaction to anything he says or does. You are cool as a cucumber.
Once you have control of the basics, you can start to concern yourself with the specifics. Basics first.
GREAT advice. I am still just spinning and spinning, today. Especially, after I was so naďve and thought that H would start being nicer...that he would feel bad for what he's done. Instead, he's being more hateful and mean. I know this is MLC stuff. Still svcks!!!
And, I know this is really stupid, since I just found out about his affair....but I already miss the physical stuff with him. If he accidentally touches me, he acts like it burned him. Ugh. I feel utter and total rejection.
He's angry because you ruined his perfect little story. The OW made the choice to not contact him, not you. When it's secretive it's much easier for them to think it's their perfect world. Yeah, maybe in fantasy life.
Now you know, so it has lost some of it's appeal to him. I would stay as distant as you can right now. Be sweet and cheerful (fake it!!!) at all times. This will make him realize, maybe eventually, that it is not you, it is him.
I know it's so difficult. I'm so sorry he is such an angry person towards. This part is not your fault, at all.
HUGS.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
My H is back to anger right now and it's hard. That's all I can say, "It's just plain HARD."
Take care of yourself as much as you can. Extra bubble baths, manicures, new clothes or haircuts if you can afford it. Just be very kind to your heart right now. It's bad enough to digest an affair, let alone having your spouse who just shattered your heart angry with YOU!!! It's truly bizarre.
As time wears on, you will, I promise, begin to see how she is nothing and means nothing--If choses to find someone else--same deal. She is a distraction to his pain. An OW will allow behavior that YOU won't. He doesn't feel like he has to be on his best behavior with her. She will accept a very troubled, damaged person.
Let him wallow.
Hey! A new bumper sticker for LBS-er's!!! "Wallow AWAY!!!! :-)
I'm so funny.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Anyway, how do I handle all this anger and hate directed at ME because he lost his precious OW???!!!
The same way you would treat the ridiculous and irrational temper tantrums of a toddler: ignore the behavior and it will stop. If absolutely necessary (for example, physical danger), firmly enforce your boundaries and expectations of behavior from the individual. In the case of dealing with an adult, simply removing yourself from the situation (physically leaving or turning off your phone, as examples) can suffice.
Treat people how they act. If they want to act like a child, treat them like a child. And one of the worst things a parent can do to a child is let the child think he or she can affect the parent's resolve.
So what he does and says? It doesn't affect you in any way. Got it?He no longer possesses the ability to control your emotions.
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Will he get over it and stop being such a jerk?
I don't know. He sounds like he has a few demons to conquer.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Anyway, how do I handle all this anger and hate directed at ME because he lost his precious OW???!!!
Been there quite a few times. W had several "significant" EA's, and I had nothing to do with the "break ups", lol, the PA and one last EA, she had gotten to the point where she knew I wasn't the one to take it out on (this is Feb this year, progress), ignore it best you can, otherwise just go dimmer, as PM suggested.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Anyway, how do I handle all this anger and hate directed at ME because he lost his precious OW???!!! Will he get over it and stop being such a jerk?
This probably isn't gonna tame down for a while, so you might as well strap in and start dealing with it differently than you are now.
The anger that he is exhibiting is just another piece of his puzzle that he has yet to figure out.
Once again...YOU have caused his unhappiness in life.
Once again, you are controlling his life, and he is frustrated by your involvement in his affair(s).
He is using this as just another reason to not want to be with you. It is another brick in his wall...
The only way around this, is to set boundaries for yourself on what you will or will not allow.
Validate his concerns, and then let him know, under no conditions, will you allow yourself to be treated the way he is treating you.
Read the post on boundaries in UR's thread ( they sound a little familiar) for ways to dictate how you want to be treated.
MLCers often use their anger as fuel to push away from something that hurts them greatly. The more they lash out, the more "right" they appear to people that may be watching. (Friends/Family). It's sort of like the "Squeaky wheel gets the grease" theory.
The "hurt" that you created for him, pales in comparison to the "hurt" that he caused you. His hurt takes precedence over anything else, and it is YOUR fault now.
It doesn't mean that he is correct, it is just what he feels today. and it is his truth regarding the situation.
You have your won version of the truth, and that is all that should mater to you.
From today forward, you really need to take a stand, and make this about yourself. What you want, what you need, how YOU handle this.
DO NOT allow his actions to take you down to his level of immaturity.
Do for you..
Do for your children..
Do what is right, regardless of how he reacts...
State your boundary, although you need to make it about you, not him.
Boundaries are not to punish him in anyway.
Something like....
H,
I realize that you are angry with me. I simply cannot be in charge of your own actions over this. And I will not allow myself to be treated in the manner in which you are treating me.
If you cannot treat me with respect and courtesy, then I think it best that you find another place to live....
State your boundary and walk away from the conversation.
Let him stew with that for a while. It will zap his energy, and allow you to gain your energy back.
Do not discuss the boundaries for yourself. They are not negotiable. They are about YOU.....
Don't allow him to drag you down into the quagmire any longer.
This is your life too...
And I'm pretty sure that enforcing the boundary is the most important part of it too. Be ready to hang up the phone if he starts. Be ready to ask him to leave if he starts. Be ready to walk away from him at any time...if he starts...
Tsquared2: How in the world have you hung in there all this time? I've already learned so much from your threads, but now that I'm living this horrible, post-affair junk....just, seriously, HOW? You are amazing! Your attitude is amazing.
Mach1: You are right. I know you are. And you've given me some very good, detailed things that I need to do. I am just terrified. I realize that, at this point, who he is, shouldn't really matter to me. He is not the man I married...and he is NOT the man, right now, that I want to stay with the rest of my life. BUT....I'm terrified of the unknown and terrified that it's already over. I feel like I'm hanging onto to nothing. The M that I had is gone. My H is mostly gone.
cat04: I "want" it to get better. I do. So, so much. Just not at all sure that I am strong enough to stand for him with all this hate. So, boundaries? Let me think on it.
Thank you to EVERYONE who has been sending good thoughts...and for sticking with me through this. Thank you for believing in me and for believing that I am stronger than I think I am.
I'm just still in a bit of a fog. This morning I woke up, and for a brief moment I forgot about it. Then, the pain hit me like a wall...and I just feel like I'm walking around in a dream....a really bad dream.
Looks like I still have lots and lots more work to do on me...FOR me...and FOR my kids.
